#nezzi

[nezzi]

We left this world a cold and bitter stone when all we wanted was a ray of light.

[nezzi]

Why do we let things in the past bother us? It doesn't make any sense. It’s already done and over with so why can’t we just let things go? It let’s us know it mattered right, but certain things its just like okay, there are YEARS between now and then, why is it so important that it mattered. I don’t want it to matter anymore. Now is important, now matters. Now is better<3 Sometimes I wish I could forget then.

[nezzi]

sometimes

Sometimes I sit in silence, just to listen to you breathe. Somehow the sound of your breath makes me feel the impossible; that one day everything will be okay.

Sometimes I lay my head on your chest just to listen to your heart beat. And I remember the future when we finally get to escape this town and these people holding us (me) back.

If I could just take it all back, if I could start this over...

I know I'm not good enough, but you're good enough for me, more than so. You make me think, and rethink things. You make me forget certain things and remember others. You make me better and I want to be better. And you make me feel better, which is so very hard to do.

Sometimes I'll stand somewhere for a while, wondering if I would be standing there without you. I think about it a lot, you not being there. I wonder how things would be different.

But I don't ever want to find out.

Sometimes I feel like you have no idea how I feel about you.

And sometimes with all you keep bottled up, I feel like I don't completely know how you feel about me.

But I love you like my world depends on it.

I suppose we both have some walls to put down. And we might not be ready for that yet. But I'm willing to wait as long as it takes.

Sometimes I watch the sun set and think of you. And sometimes I see the sun rise and I think of you. Sometimes I'm having soup and am thinking of you. I'm always thinking of you. But I can't help it. I can't help that I love you. I love you.

I love you. 

[nezzi]

Chapter 32: It doesn't hurt anymore, I just want answers.

It's one of those questions that is just looming like some oddly persistent cloud that never rains. When someone doesn't know their biological parent cause they were never around, they may not call them by mom or dad, so I start to wonder if I can even call you my sister anymore.

[nezzi]

Waiting on a call.

I think I finally realize that I was looking at this all wrong. I was so scared when it happened out of nowhere. I always imagined that eventually it would but maybe not so soon. But when it did, I was so taken back that I felt this was another thing I had to deal with, another thing on my list to worry about and stress over and overthink in my daily freak out routine... Now I see it was a blessing. It's not something more for me to carry, it's something for me to finally put down and let go. In the back of my mind I've always wondered if you ever cared at all, and now, I'll finally know. If you call, maybe things will change. And if you don't, maybe I'll finally be able to let you go. It's honestly a lot harder than I imagined. I suppose I'll see you again some day, and we'll converse and make chatter about the weather and how our lives have gone about on their way. And maybe I'll wait for your call again. This world has a way of it's own, and this time I won't be angry with it if it so takes you away from me again. Then again, if it does, I suppose you were never really mine to begin with.

[nezzi]

It's hard when you look out and the world doesn't trust you. But it's the hardest thing in the world to look in the mirror and see that she doesn't trust you either.

[nezzi]

One thing I always learn about bad experiences is that they pass. There's always hard times and its always tough going through them, especially when the people around who love you and want to help can't. My motto is Life Goes On because when it feels like the world is collapsing around you, there's something else on the horizon waiting for you. And it doesn't matter that you don't know what it is, it matters that you don't beat yourself up too bad and stay true to who you are because not long from now you'll look back and it will just be a memory. The good, along with the bad. So enjoy your time whether this worry is great or small. It's really difficult, believe me I know, but there's a heart inside of that body of yours that beats just for you and keeping you alive, so repay it by living. Love you all, thanks so much for all your support, stay amazing!<3

[nezzi]

Horizontal.

It is strange to know that we are greater than we believe. We are souls. We do not know time, or physical pain. These are worldly attributes. But to think, we are something beyond what we are... It makes this fleeting world so beautiful. As my mother explained to me there is a place of peace without pain and suffering, simply pure and full of happiness and infinite rest, my mirrors fell upon the waves of land outside my window. And she came to an end as I found my way back to her, she chuckled, "and to think, you would rather stay here." I wondered for a while after if that was such a terrible thing.