Insomnia Cookies: Three Words
Summary: Y/N tries to visit Bucky after one of his really bad nightmares. The visit doesn’t go exactly as planned.
Characters: Bucky Barnes, teenage reader, Steve Rogers
Warnings: Major angst, mentions of abuse, panic attack (sorry!!)
Word count: 2462
Read previous parts here
As spring transformed into summer, Bucky and Y/N fell into a familiar routine. He looked forward to seeing her texts every day, and he enjoyed their ice cream encounters even more.
He learned Y/N loved to read, and her favorite books were science fiction. She talked about opening a bookstore after she graduated college, and she wanted to double major in English and Business Management. She hated scary movies, but really wanted to ride roller coasters. She was deathly afraid of thunderstorms and spiders. She had a soft spot for cheesy Christmas movies from the Hallmark Channel, and she loved long car rides because she could listen to more music. After learning she wanted to play the guitar, Poe and Finn bought her an acoustic and signed her up for lessons. Slowly but surely, she was beginning to thrive.
Bucky made good on his promise and took Y/N out for some form of ice cream every week. Sometimes they would go out to the different local ice cream shops, and sometimes she would come to the Tower. Tony made sure the kitchen was stocked with the best ice cream and toppings, and they would eat themselves into a sugar coma. Y/N got more comfortable around everyone, and even challenged Tony to a rematch on the Wii a few times. Steve had a soft spot for Y/N, and he would often join their ice cream outings. Everything was going really well for her.
Bucky still had some setbacks.
Bucky had one of his worst nightmares in a long time. He had thrashed around so loudly, Steve had overridden FRIDAY’s controls to break into his room. Bucky had nearly taken his head off before finally waking up to a destroyed bed. He had torn his sheet and blanket to shreds, and stuffing from his pillows littered the floor. Steve had managed to calm Bucky down and set him up on the couch in his room. But Bucky hadn’t been able to get back to sleep, and he may has well have been a walking zombie.
A sense of defeat weighed on his shoulders. He had been doing so well, and to fall this far behind was devastating. As his world slowly suffocated him, he wondered if he would ever truly get better.
Unfortunately, today was supposed to be an ice cream day. Steve had gently suggested that Bucky reschedule, and as much as Bucky hated to admit it, Steve was right. She didn’t need to see him like this. Not when she had her own problems to worry about. He pulled out his phone and texted Y/N.
Bucky: Hey kid, today’s not going to work.
Y/N: Everything okay?
Y/N: Bucky?
Bucky ignored her texts and dragged himself back into his room. Steve had replaced the destroyed sheets, blankets, and pillows, so it was almost as if the nightmare had never happened. If only it were actually that easy. Bucky got in bed, pulled the covers up to his chin, and slowly drifted off in a restless sleep.
Y/N smiled and waved at the security guard as she walked through the gate. Everyone knew her by now since she had been coming over more frequently over the past few months. She made her way up the parking garage elevator into the common area.
“Hello?” she called to the empty space. “Bucky? Steve? Tony?”
Silence surrounded her. She cleared her throat and tried something different. “FRIDAY?”
“Good afternoon, Ms. Y/N,” the AI responded. “How can I help you?”
“Is Bucky here?”
“Yes, he is in his room sleeping.”
“Oh,” Y/N said, a hint of disappointment in her voice. She had something really important to tell him today. “Did he have another nightmare?”
“Mr. Rogers asked me not to discuss Mr. Barnes’ condition with anyone.”
Even though the AI didn’t answer her question directly, Y/N could read between the code. She felt her heart sink. It must have been a really bad one for him to cancel on her.
“It’s okay. Thanks FRIDAY,” she replied, remembering her manners.
“You’re welcome.”
The room was silent again, and Y/N considered what to do. She looked down at the bag she was carrying. She had stopped at the ice cream shop they were supposed to go to today and brought Bucky back a small container.
“Y/N?”
Y/N shrieked and almost dropped her bag. “Steve! You scared me!”
The super soldier looked slightly guilty as he walked over from the elevator. “What are you doing here?” he asked. “Didn’t Bucky text you?”
Y/N held up the bag. “Yeah, but I wanted to bring him a treat. I felt bad he couldn’t go.”
Steve’s expression softened and took the bag from her hands. “Let’s put this in the freezer so it doesn’t melt then.” He tried to keep a cheerful expression, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
“Is Bucky okay?” she asked quietly as he put the ice cream away.
Steve sighed. “It wasn’t a good night,” he replied honestly.
“Can I see him?”
“It’s not a good idea, kiddo,” he replied.
“Please, Steve?” she asked persistently. “I want to help.”
He smiled sadly. “Sorry.”
Y/N huffed and crossed her arms against her chest. “Not fair,” she mumbled under her breath.
Steve couldn’t help but laugh. Some of Bucky’s stubbornness was starting to rub off on her. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
Y/N sighed, then her expression brightened as she got an idea. “May I please use the bathroom first?” she asked innocently.
Steve nodded. “You remember where it is?”
“Yup!”
She bounded down the hall out of his sight. Instead of going to the bathroom, she continued until she reached the stairwell. She pressed her thumb to the keypad, and the lock opened with a small click. Tony had given her access to different parts of the Tower a few weeks ago. She quickly ran up to Bucky’s floor and crept up to his door. She took a deep breath and knocked gently.
“Bucky?” she called softly. No response. She tried again. “Buck?” She put her ear up to the door but still couldn’t hear anything. She cleared her throat.
“I’m sorry you’re not feeling well. I brought you some ice cream!” she said brightly. “It’s in the freezer whenever you feel up to it.” She paused, trying to think about what to say next.
“This isn’t going to beat you, Bucky. It was one bad night, you hear me? You’re so much more than your nightmares. You’re so much more to me.” She sighed. “I was going to tell you my next fact in person, but I’ll wait until next time. You’d be proud of me. I already told Finn and Poe.”
Y/N stepped away from the door. “Bye, Bucky.” She made her way back to the stairwell. When she opened the door, she found Steve standing on the other side. And boy, did he look mad.
“Uh oh.” Y/N’s face fell, and she swallowed thickly.
“Downstairs. Now.” Steve glared at her and stepped aside so she could walk in front of him. He waited until they were back down in the common area before exploding.
“I specifically said you couldn’t see him! And then you snuck around behind my back anyway! Are you kidding me?” Steve was really yelling now, and his face began to turn red. “I should remove your clearance for that stunt you just pulled! He didn’t want to see you today, and you need to respect that.” He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath. “Maybe this whole deal was a mistake.”
Tears trickled down Y/N’s cheeks and stained her shirt. She flinched with every sentence Steve spewed, but the last one really cut her to the core. Like a trigger, her mind instantly flashed back to her last foster home. She could still hear her foster mom’s voice in her head.
“This was a mistake.”
“I’ll be good!” Y/N had pleaded. “I’ll change! Please don’t send me away.”
“Someone’s coming to pick you up tomorrow. I’m sorry.” But she hadn’t been sorry. None of her old foster families had been sorry.
Y/N’s breathing became frantic, and Steve could almost feel the fear coming off of her. Her eyes glazed over as if she were in a trance, and her hands shook at her sides. He recognized that expression almost immediately. It was the exact same expression in Bucky’s eyes last night after the nightmare.
“I’ll be good. I’m sorry, I’ll be good. Please don’t send me away.”
She whispered these three sentences over and over again.
Steve could instantly tell his words had been too harsh. He knew she meant well, and she was just a kid, but he was so protective of Bucky. He didn’t need to yell like he did. He rushed over to try and comfort her, but she flinched away from his touch.
“No, please!” She stumbled backwards, and he knew. At that moment, Steve knew someone had hit her before.
He slowly put his arms down at his sides and backed away. “Y/N,” he said in a calm, soothing tone, “it’s okay. You’re safe. No one is going to hurt you.”
His words fell on deaf ears as she continued to fall apart in front of him.
“I just wanted to help. I’m sorry. Steve, I’m so sorry.”
Steve tried walking back over, and this time, she didn’t move away.
“Honey, I know. You made a mistake. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
“I don’t want to get sent away again.” She was really sobbing now, and Steve’s heart absolutely shattered.
“Steve,” a voice said quietly from behind.
Steve whirled around to see Bucky standing behind him. His face had returned to its normal color, and the bags under his eyes were much lighter than when Steve last saw him.
“Buck, I swear-” Steve started.
Bucky shook his head gently and walked over to Y/N. He carefully picked her up and her arms and legs wrapped around him, clinging to his form like a child clinging to a security blanket. He carried her back to the elevator and pushed the button for his floor.
“Come up in a little bit,” he said to Steve as the door closed.
Once they got to his room, he put her on the edge of the bed and untied her sneakers. He took them off and placed them on the floor. Y/N stared straight ahead, barely acknowledging his actions. Bucky saw so much of himself in her that it scared him. She was too young to have this kind of fear inside of her.
He tucked her hair gently behind her ears. “I heard everything you said, you know. We’re gonna to beat this, kid. Both of us. I promise.” He kissed her forehead, and she let out a shaky breath.
He stacked some pillows and sat against the headboard. He pulled Y/N back and she situated herself between his legs. She curled up against him and her head fell back against his chest. She could feel his steady heartbeat, and Bucky’s chest rose up and down slowly, until soon, her own breathing evened out.
“Where did you go back there, kid?” Bucky eventually asked.
Y/N took a deep breath and decided to tell him everything. “My last foster home. They sent me away because I got in trouble at school. I always get sent away.” Bucky rubbed her arm soothingly, silently encouraging her to continue. “My mom’s in jail for drugs, and my dad never wanted me. Mom was so angry or high all the time, and she hit me. A lot.”
She curled up tighter and Bucky wrapped his arms around her protectively. “It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he said.
Y/N continued talking. “So she went away. And I went into foster care. It never worked. I tried to be good, but it never worked. No one wanted to keep me. I never felt safe until the Damerons.” She paused. “I’m sorry I bothered you. I should have listened to Steve.”
“I forgive you, kid. I know you just wanted to help.” Bucky kissed the top of her head and sighed.
“What are your nightmares about?” she asked.
Bucky scoffed. “It’s always the same. People I love get taken away, or I’m back in Siberia getting wiped.” He stopped, not wanting to scare her with the details. “Point is, I’ve still got a lot of fear.” They both sat in silence for a few moments.
“Is it okay to be scared, you know,” she said, looking up at him. “But you can’t let it control your life.”
Bucky smiled, recognizing the words he had said to her just a few months before.
“You’re right, kid. You’re absolutely right. That applies to you too, you know.”
“Yeah, I know,” she nodded.
A light knock at the door caused both of them to look up. Steve came inside slowly, trying not to make any sudden movements that might scare Y/N.
“Hey,” Steve said cautiously. “How are we doing?”
“We’re getting there,” Bucky replied. He tapped Y/N’s shoulder, signalling her to get up. She reluctantly moved towards the edge of the bed and looked up at Steve.
“I’m sorry, Steve,” she said softly.
“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have yelled like that.” He knelt down in front of her. “No one is going to keep you from coming here, okay?” Y/N nodded shyly, and Bucky smiled behind her.
“You know, Buck,” Steve said, looking up at his friend, “a really cool kid brought some ice cream over today. It’s waiting in the freezer for you.”
“What are we waiting for, then?” Bucky asked. He climbed off the bed and slung Y/N over his shoulder. She giggled and shrieked as he carried her out the door.
“Meet you guys down there,” Steve said, walking ahead.
Bucky put Y/N down and pulled her into a hug.
“Oh! What was your next fact?” he asked as he pulled away. “I’m so proud of you for telling Finn and Poe first, by the way! It must be really good.”
Y/N’s face turned red and she looked down shyly. Gaining some confidence, she realized it was time to stop letting her fear control her. Poe, Finn and Bucky weren’t her mom or her other foster parents. They were better, so much better. She took a deep breath and looked him squarely in the eyes. The next three words that she spoke meant more to Bucky than she would ever realize.
“I love you.”
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