Revelation that I'm trying so hard to hold on to.
I need to stop being so negative. I didn't used to be like this- and it's only recently (in the last year or two) that everyone has come to accept me as a negative person. Instead of dealing with things, I'd just shut down and hate it and everything. I don't cope with well with people and with certain situations, and although I've known this for a while I just chose to hate everything for fair stretch there. "I hate people." is like my slogan, and while that's true... I also like people a lot. GEEZ THIS IS DIFFICULT. I'm not saying I'm never going to be sarcastic and insult people and all that- not at all, actually. I'm just going to try harder to not have that apathetic attitude toward everything. I'm in such a terrible state of cognitive dissonance right now. I have so many 'negative' aspects of my personality, and so many 'positive' aspects as well. I'm not sure how to appropriately balance them out. I'm gonna try though. I really am. I'm tired of having this shitty attitude. It makes me less... me-ish I guess. I need to get my vigor for life back. And if anyone knows me at all they'll know that honestly I'm a super exitable, super friendly, happy person. Asjddkaljdajkshajsgfdjsaaakslkdla. I expect any of my friends reading this to hold me to this, as well. Like when I walk by them muttering "I hate this, I hate them, I hate blahh blahh" I hope they'll stop me and tell me a joke or something to remind me. I hope this came out correctly. Fuck.
I kind of just realized that I've just been spiraling downward for however long... Sleeping all day and being on the internet all night and hating life and hating college, etc. etc. I'm glad I get the chance to go live up at Shady Creek. It'll bring me back, I think.
I'd like opinions on this, as well, if anyone cares to share them? Text me about it. Or message me. Or whatever.
Also- I hope upon hope that this just isn't some weird night mood thing like I have. I want and need this. Really. I'll still be the same ol' me... just the improved version.
Also V.2- I'm actually sort of terrified by how easily my mood is influenced by things. And how quickly it changes through those weird night time phases.
Also V.3- I also feel like this posi mood just passed and I'm actually not going to do it. It doesn't seem as urgent anymore. Fuck. I still gonna try and will myself into it.
We'll see how this works out.
