hi there! as you all know that i am on semi-hiatus (kind of not because i'm still spending like 30 minutes equivalent here-), there are chances that i will be on hiatus starting first week of december. my very important exams are approaching and will be held in a matter of months and i honestly feel very underprepared. i'll be back, i will occasionally post/write (i promise). but all in all, i'll not be as much active as i've been over here, at least for a few months at that. (i might shit/rant post but my queued srbs might be the only posts here for a while ))): ) and my total hiatus will start from 2nd week of jan probably? i love you all and i sincerely WANT you all to take care of yourselves. thank you so much for all the 350 followers, for all the notes, for all the silly comments and amazing reblogs, they have repeatedly made my day in these past few months i've been active here (may 2023?); its amazing honestly.
(to my moots; i will miss you all sm, even if we haven't interacted in a while or if our interactions have been limited to tag games, please still know that i adore you and would love LOVE to talk to you again after i return.)
tw: talks about weight increase, low self-esteem, moderate anxiety, procrastinating tendencies. this is also extremely long.
i just really need to talk/vent about it.
the worst part about being a "casual" gamer is, you never know when you might get addicted with it. i play genshin and CoD, while cod doesn't interest me as much anymore and i only ever played genshin for like twice a month but recently- genshin has been taking over lol, i played 3 hours of genshin alone yesterday and mind you- i've already finished all the archon (main) quests and i'm still playing it!!! (this is called procrastination)
and this is not just limited to computer games no, i once was obsessed with aerobics gymnastics and was practising it all around my house (before corona struck and i physically became unable to do many tricks cue *decreasing flexibility/strength/stamina and everything after i got sick. after aerobics, my hyper-fixation was basketball and i would play it for around 2-3 hours everyday, my body slowly started getting better and my love for sports and gym was ignited again but then i entered into the senior year of my school and i had to inevitably focus more on my studies because i still can't see myself being an athlete/sportsperson even though i really love sports.
now, i was a science major in my high-school (my core were - phy, chem and bio) and i had always been a hardworker but i started getting burnt out, the more i strayed away from staying active and being fit, the more of couch potato i became. i somehow started studying nicely again, but got corona in sept.2022 and was on bedrest for two weeks, my schedule was a mess again. during that time, it were only my high-school extracurriculars (anchoring, debating, basketball, student council) which were keeping me happy along with a few friends (who in future became insecure of everything i was doing and shut me off by calling me "fake", that shit hurt.) and because i had missed 2 weeks of school and was already behind the syllabus by myself because of improper time management, so i developed anxiety- i only realised this after i had a mental breakdown in school for 2 minutes which i wasn't able to control instantly. (my anxiety is moderate and i don't need any medicines for it- i just need to keep my schedule productive and avoid procrastination.) i realised that i was quite behind and that i needed to do something so i did, i shut myself off and studied for 3 months without any outside exposure or anything- but that made me gain weight, from a 54kg 5'7 girl, i went on to a 68kg and because i got sick just immediately after, my weight increased to 70kgs. now, don't get me wrong- i love my body, i still like the way i look but, i don't feel healthy and i don't think you can understand how nerve-wrecking it is for a person who could run 5km without a worry pant after 500m. it was really... and i mean really heart-braking, more than my weight gain, it was my inability to do anything which made me more and more insecure about myself.
my anxiety, my newly acquired low self-esteem were adding fuel to my already procrastinating tendencies.
now. that is the main issues- i am a procrastinator, and for some reason i'm unable to fully get out of it and i get even more anxious when my days are going unproductive which they are!
i didn't score bad in my high-school finals, my scores of normal college entrance exams were good enough to fetch me into a top 3 college of our nation for b.sc but- i didn't want that. even though all my other exams went well, i seriously fucked up my medical entrance examination. i thought to take a drop year but im seriosuly scared because i don't think i did anything fruitful this year and i just feel like i wasted an year of my life and my main exams are in 4 months and im really really getting stressed out because the selection rate is only the top 1-2% among 2 million applicants, talk about competition lmao.
see, i am aware that i can do it, i don't know if it is arrogance or optimism but i know that if i really do give it all- my blood, sweat and tears and everything- i know that i'll do better, i will be able to score enough to get a medical college- but the thing is, i feel like i am scared to start and i don't want to be.
i want to- i need to work hard to better than my present-self, i need to work out to get my stamina, strength and flexibility back. and even if i fail- i atleast worked hard, i just don't want to regret anything which i am doing, i need to get out of this slump and i need to convince myself to get up and atleast try everyday. because i seriously seriously think that regret is probably the worst emotion you could feel and i don't want to spend my life regretting my decisions.
i just- had to get it off my chest lol. thankyou for reading this all.
i promise you, i'll be a great doctor one day and will clear this exam with every courage i am able to muster.
i guess... that is all? have a nice day and take care of yourself!
I really don't have any clue how people in Twitter connect up so easily and be like oh my moot where I'm like how do these people converse so easily *silent cries of anger* while I'm here like a sack of potatoes with a boring blog. Am I the only person who feels so left out or something?
