Behind the Tweet: @AmberTozer
I played basketball in college and it was the worst experience I’ve ever experienced. Worse than that one time I hit rock bottom with alcoholism, and worse than that one time when I was watering skiing and got tangled in the rope, sucked underwater, and pulled around a lake until I almost died. The tricky thing was, I was playing for money (athletic scholarship), so I had to play. I felt like a basketball whore with no other option in life, just like that prostitute in Les Miserables - except I had way better hair.
If I could go back in time, I’d be a silly basketball player with no chance of playing in college. I’d put the ball under my shirt and scream, “I’m a pregnant teen athlete!” and pretend to give birth on the court. College recruiters would've said, “Um, no thanks. We don't want you to play for our school.” And, I would've said, “Sounds good." Why did I hate it so much? Well, we had to lift weights and run 5,000 miles everyday, and girls on other teams were 10 feet tall. Oh, and we had to blow the refs. Haha, oh man - I’m just kidding about that. The thing that bothered me the most were the coaches. They were sporty, evil demons and they were scary to look at. When they screamed their eyeballs looked like they were gonna jump out of their faces and splat on the ground - like an eyeball suicide. I always wanted to say “Hey, Coach from hell! Go back to hell!” But, instead, I gained 15 pounds of muscle and questioned humanity. And, of course, I was very stupid and took everything they said very seriously. So now, when I tweet about b-ball coaches yelling at me, I like to respond with something silly and big picture-y because I think it’s fun to bring some perspective into a situation that used to make me so upset. And, most humans are fucked up (with potential to change) and plants seem wonderful (until they die, and they all die, just like humans). Here’s a @nitTWITStv sketch inspired by my b-ball tweet - WRECK LEAGUE. Check it out!
