It was awkward of course. After attempting to contact her for several months via e-mail and one phone call of her yelling at me, and her continuously avoiding my e-mails, I no doubt stopped attempting any sort of contact with her. At first it was painful. It was enough to be abandoned by her, now she goes and ignores me when she knows full well of my existence is still around. It's funny how I saw her, she was literally about 4 people behind me and I was looking around just to take in the scenery of so many people in all these glowing and flashing bright lights. I turned to my friend Kendyl and was like "That's funny, my mom is here like right behind us right now". She goes, "Really? Are you gonna say hi to her?" and my first instinct was hell no.
From then, the whole time I sorta thought about it. I could have said hi to her really quick but why ruin her day? She doesn't wanna talk to her big mistake in her life right? Aha. Anyway, I'm glad that with my own legal documentation from Kansas in my hands now, I don't need her help whatsoever. I wanted to love you like other children did. I really did. I waited my whole life for you to come back, sit me down and say I'm sorry.. Now, when I'm almost 19, I'm tired of waiting. I wanted to know how she felt about leaving her first child behind with no fucking talk or explanation of ANYTHING. To grow up without the motherly love that a lot of kids yearn for. To grow up without that hug and comfort of a mother when I fell off my bike, my first heartbreak, and other stupid shit like that. Anny Souvannarath, how fucking funny would it be to have you see this. As a young adult I wish you the best for the rest of your life, your husband and your son or better yet my half brother. Don't you dare fuck his life up like you did mine.. You should be glad you left though. Could you have imagined having to deal with a teenager who enjoyed drinking, smoking, and cutting? You would have gone insane and drank more than you did when you were still around in my adolescent years. I wanna say I love you, but I have learned not to lie to myself anymore. I realize now you were just as useless to me as I was to you. Most people I know wouldn't dare say such things like I am, much less even have such hideous thoughts about someone who carried them around for 9 months and brought them into this world. How disgusting of an adult I must be, if I can even call myself an adult yet. You leaving has taught me a valuable lesson in my life though.You taught me so early that life isn't all dandy and rainbows. It's dark, cold, and fucked up. Thank you for that. I don't know what else to say about you. Maybe if you stayed I would have avoided a lot of things but it's too late for that. I wish you would find this though so you know exactly how I fucking feel about everything. I remember back when I used to cry my heart out to the thought of you. I'd wake up in cold sweats hoping that you'd be by my side to comfort me. I'd cry at school when mothers day came along because I saw the happiness in other kids. I saw their mothers pick them up from school on those days only to have those kids joyfully hand those cards to them. I would walk back to a home where there was no mother waiting for me. Nobody for me to scream "happy mother's day! I love you!" to. Regardless, this is how I turned out thanks to you. You leaving has hardened me as an adult to a point where talking about you doesn't hurt anymore. I would have loved to have kept in contact with grandpa, grandma, Aunt Lucy and Uncle Lucky. It would have been good for them to keep in contact with you but just like me, you abandoned them to leave a dark past behind.
