I’m kind of nervous about writing this. It’s lengthy, and different than what I usually write but I’m a very honest person. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s always been that way. I can’t help but think this will be another drop in an endless ocean of emotion, but maybe that’s okay.
Where have I been these past few months? Both physically and emotionally. Physically is easy. I’m still on the same boat and we just traversed the Bering Sea to return to Nome. This was our third stint in the Arctic and we have a couple of days in port before we go way, way, way, north to where the ice is.
So, Nome. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I was a wee youngin’ my absolute favorite movie was Balto. Seriously. Balto! I loved that movie. I’m sure the old VHS is at my house and I remember watching it for the first time on my fifth birthday. I cried whenever I saw the children-sized coffins. I felt so happy when he brought the medicine back to town. I thought Jenna was a boss (not just because our names are similar). I adored that movie.
With that in mind, Nome is...not quite what I had expected. Some of the houses are literal plywood shacks with tin roofs. There’s not much to do (outside of dredging for gold) other than drink. So people drink, a lot. I think of them as tumbleweeds as they leave the bar and kind of...roll back home. At the same time, there are some really neat oases in Nome. Great little cafes, a freakin’ music store (first place I found guitar strings in Alaska), a used bookstore, awesome pizza, public art pieces, a tea house and a public garden. They had a huge Solstice celebration complete with a 5k, a polar plunge, a fake bank robbery (no, really), a bonfire and music! So a lot of culture is present amongst the seemingly depressing town. I’ve met some cool people here.
And I gotta say, there are some damn fast Alaskans. We showed up to the 5k with over 15 people from the boat thinking we’d win those gold nuggets easily. Most people onboard are pretty fit. Twenty minutes before the race started, no shit, almost a dozen cars showed up with these super skinny, tall, fit and hella speedy Alaskans. They whooped most of us. I was both impressed...and second to last. The polar plunge was cold (duh, right?), but actually...not that unpleasant. I think the 70-degree day had warmed the water quite a bit. I was expecting a cold that would literally take my breath away and was kind of disappointed. But there was a huge turnout for that whole event too. And we all got certificates!
So we’ve done cool things. And seen cool things. I’ve tried several times to post pictures but with the wifi onboard that just isn’t happening.
I will say, I have seen Russia. I could literally see Russia from my house.
We all belong to the Order of the Blue-Nose because we crossed the Arctic Circle. But since we had crossed into Arctic waters “without Neptune’s permission,” we had to face charges and be punished. Now, it sounds absurd, but sailors have been doing this for centuries. Line Crossing Ceremonies, I mean.
Of course, our actual ordeal was a lot mellower than in “the old days.” A fact the old-timers repeatedly mentioned to us, but still, they lasted a week and were at times fairly challenging. I actually don’t want to talk too much more about it because Crossing Ceremonies are supposed to be secretive. I’m glad I knew nothing about it before I went in. But I can say it took several days for the blue sharpie to be completely removed from my face and the smell of rotting food still makes me a little queasy.
So that’s where I’ve been physically. Emotionally has been different and sorry, I might get a little serious here, but there’s been a lot going on. In a way, it’s difficult to explain. I ran this over and over in my head and still can’t really think of how to write it.
This entire experience has been a lot more challenging than I had anticipated. I’ve never been homesick before, ever. I’m very comfortable moving around, being away, being out of touch, but none of that seems to apply to me me here. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw stars. I’ve been out of reliable cell service for months now. The ship Internet is dial up speed. It has to be turned off all days anyways so the ship can do what it came up here to do and everyone on the wifi slows that all down. I get why it’s turned off, that’s fine. Phone calls are limited, because there’s 40-odd people all trying to call home not knowing when they’ll go home again.
Combining that with a constant constant CONSTANT rolling of the ship (just back and forth, forth and back. I feel like one of those noisemakers that you tilt to make the thing slide along the inside WHHHHHrp), a lack of resources in ports, and some pretty serious issues at home, for a good while I felt...smothered. Like there was one of those gym mats lying on top of me. Just being smothered by the weight and bulk of it.
I was pretty low for a long time. There would be good and bad days, like everything else, but overall I was in this slump that I didn’t think I’d ever come out of. My rallying cry became “why bother?” Why bother going to the gym? Why bother participating in evening events? Why bother going out in port? Why bother blogging? Why bother at all? These are things I like doing, but again, why bother?
That just gets tiring. It’s an exhausting state of mind and you just can’t stay like that. You get fed up. You get tired of being tired. I know personally, that whole mentality feels like quitting. I don’t like quitting. I work very hard, in all I do, so that whole attitude to me just seems...wrong. Weak. Like I’m giving up.
So a month and a half ago, I started working out again. I mean, I’d been going on and off for a couple of months but this time I came in with a program, and a plan. There’s a calendar on my door that requires a freakin’ legend because of all the things I’m keeping track of and logging.
I’ve done something every day for six weeks. I think what this does is give me a sense of purpose. I’m now to the point where I don’t “have to go to the gym” I just go. I do yoga and cardio on days I’m not doing my workout and I log every single thing that I eat. I honestly don’t know why I’m telling you this, except that I’m proud of it. I’m proud I found something to keep me busy, stimulated, and healthy. Mentally AND physically.
I’m going to be honest again when I say I now totally check myself out whenever I walk past a mirror. I’m a hot dog, it’s true.
So that’s me, that’s where I’m at, that’s why I haven’t been blogging, but...that’s also where I’m going. We did an abandon ship drill where I was told to go hide in the gym. The people from my life raft knew where I was because, since I wasn’t in my stateroom, I had to be in the gym. I have a reputation onboard of being a gym rat, and y’know what? I’m completely okay with that. I’ve earned it.
Sorry again it was so long, but thanks for reading. Hopefully talk to you all soon.