No sense of belonging
I don’t know if this is a common trait among INTJs specifically or introverts in general but I have no sense of belonging to any group. Not a religion, not a country, not a family, not any group whatsoever. I don’t fit in anywhere. My parents and my siblings are all gone now but even when they were alive it was difficult to share with them. My parents loved me, did not abuse me but they didn’t understand what to do with me either.
Even as a child in rural East Texas I didn’t feel any connection to God or religion. Every other kid went to church and accepted God. I was a voracious reader and read the Bible. It didn’t make sense to me and worship still doesn’t. I get no comfort from groups praying.
I feel no allegiance to this country or any other for that matter. Why should I give undying devotion to a place because of an accident of birth? I hear all the freedom rhetoric and think about what a lie it all is. Freedom built on the backs of slaves and genocide of indigenous peoples seems like no freedom to me.
What is at the heart of my inability to be a part of groups is the groups’ false claim to moral authority. Religion says follow me, I will lead you to God and salvation but how can that be given any religion’s crimes against humanity. The same goes for a nation. It demands obedience but offers nothing in return.
I spent many years looking for someone that would help me be a part of a family. To guide me, love me, show me that I am a part of this world. I’m not sure that person exists.
Instead of longing for acceptance I now long for solitude. I miss the child with the stack of books, the quiet of my bedroom.
