#nonsensebees

[sixthousandbees]

I tidied up and lost me tits!!

I took them out of the bra to shape a dress, and now I have a fancy shirt I wanted to fill out, and me tits are missing!! hashtag trans girl problems.

I haven’t not woken up tired in months, so with todays blessing of motivation I tidied up the desk and the floor, and I *still* haven’t found me tits! :{

the shirt has billowy sleeves I love it. kinda goth pirate? I was going to take a selfie with some tits IF I HAD SOME

[sixthousandbees]

I have just managed to tidy my room for the first time in months! certainly hoover for the first time in months.

I did it by addiction baiting myself

I’ve been doing the four times runescape, but (understandably) its a bit overwhelming and tiring, and I (or part of me at least) got burnt out quickly. last time the runescape addiction took ten months to fizzle out. this time it was a week!

good news? bad news? I still really wanted to play it, but because playing it times four is a big ask I would start to open the instances and go NOPE and close them again. and I’ve been so tired I haven’t been able to do much anyway.

I’ve also been avoiding the energy drink, because I’m genuinely trying to fix my sleep schedule, but I dont think thats going to work.last night I slept for 5 hours, and the day before I slept for 14, and the day before that 12, and I have been exhausted for WEEKS. I am tired of being tired.

as today was 5 hours I woke up at 7am, and after a couple hours being groggy and failing to get myself moving I had some caffeine for the first time in a week. it is like .. 16 hours later and I am AWAKE I can FOCUS I AM ALIVE. I mentioned possibly staying up all night off handedly to mother&sister and they were absolutely not, at least try to sleep. BUT. I dont want to. its going to be another week or two of being dead and dead tired, and if I can squeeze another 4 hours of alertness out of this then fuck the broken sleep schedule.

ANYWAY. addiction baiting. sorry. so part of me wants to play runescape and part of me does NOT. the part of me that does not seems to be the one of us that does the thinking. the “thoughts” I hear in my head, the monologuing. the body seems to be the one that wants to play runescape. its also the one typing at the moment. a lot of things we do is high teamwork. teamwork so flawless we rarely notice it. but. we also fight a lot.

The room has been a mess for forever. The body doesn’t really care about the mess. it gets around it, nbd. the brain does not appreciate the mess, but fighting the body to tidy up the mess is exhausting as well. SO the brain made the promise that it will stop fighting the body in playing the runescape IF we can get clear floor (and clean bed. dumping everything on the bed doesn’t count)

and NOW. I am SITTING ON MY CHAIR. first time this year. I’ve had everything at 200% magnification whilst lying in bed. not sure I’m a fan of sitting. The floor is clear. the floor is hoovered. the bed is clear. the sheets have not been changed, but the runecape promise is for like a week, so maybe next week I’ll get clean sheets

[sixthousandbees]

okay so I definitely played too much 4-times runescape and tetris effect myself.

but in the most incredible way possible

it was semi-lucid dreaming and part real world awakeness. my feet were out from under the blanket and were cold, so I shuffled my feet to get them back under the blanket.

TIMES FOUR

there were four instances all at once, four physical experiences of trying to move the feet slightly differently under slightly different blanket coverages.

the bad part was I woke up and experienced this rather than lose it to dreamland, because I needed to pee. so as I was waking I was like “aww this is going to be a haaaaassle”. moving 4 things is fun when there isn’t a deadline and you can take your time, and peeing is a biological deadline I dont want to fuck up.

So I got the body that felt like it needed to pee most desperately up to the loo, and then was getting the second most desperate body up and ready when my consciousness sloppily coalesced. which was a relief at first because that meant I didn’t have to willpower four bodies into getting up to go to the loo.

but as I was awake I missed it. I really appreciated the experience. I feel like being able to have multiple bodies and partially-mulitple thought patterns like I had in the dream would fix me.

[sixthousandbees]

SO I was playing runescape a whole bunch last year, and in the last two months of the year I managed to kick the addiction and stop playing.

a couple weeks ago a friend shares a livestream of their friend playing runescape, and asks me to explain whats going on, because he knew I played it a bunch and would be able to explain. unfortunately it reminded the addiction center of my brain about it. I got cravings.

I did a bit of research and it seems runescape is fine with multilogging so long as you dont do it to mess with minigames (not... entirely sure how thats possible. maybe bloating the opposing side with low level alts that are basically afk?)

so NOW. I have 4 low level alts running around on my computer, with my main on my phone smithing equipment for them.

I have to say, this is fantastic for my poor little ADHD brain. I have to pay attention to FOUR things at once, by CHOICE, and there is no penalty for dropping the ball on any of them. its also scratching the “PLAY GAMES” itch so hard. I’m getting to the “I’m done with this, lets do something else” point in a 5th of the time.

admittedly there is some overstimulation, paying attention to 4 half-screens of game. but thats just like, the scratchy part of the itch.

[sixthousandbees]

so something woke me up at 2am, no idea what, but when I open my eyes I see the silhouette of about 5 frogs, each over a foot long, stuck in an action pose between me and the window.

I reflexively say “What the fuck”. not shouted or panicked. I then do nothing, staring at these monster frogs for like 5 minutes trying to figure out: what the fuck.

sleep delirium had turned the shadow of stuff on my desk into frogs in that specific angle.

NOW the important question. does this make me more or less likely to survive in a horror movie? my gut feeling is if the horror can be befriended at all then I’m more likely to survive, otherwise I’m basically a free lunch

[sixthousandbees]

I’m on new medication so that means I can finally drink alcohol without the threat of instant death! there was a point at the start where I was willing to play russian roullette, and then I realised that was against the idea of the pills.

it was hell though

I have been sober for like, 4 months now, and I have not hated every moment of it, but theres been large swaths of time where it was very horrible.

I admitetd to my sister last night that I was showing alcoholsm traits, and she was surprised that I was still craving alcohol after 4 months. my addiction is mental. it gives me temporary relief.

I am somewhat self aware. I have known for a long time that I have been toeing the line to alcohol addiction, so I’ve been blackout drunk once, and very rarely have more than one drink. where was i going with this

oh right!

I’ve been suicidal (and how nice it is! to frame that in past tense), where I’ve had desperate urges to do permanent damage, and I am still here in one piece. The alcoholism is just another desperate urge, and so on the first night free of the shackles of sobriety I am still sober. :)

[sixthousandbees]

I’m fucking crying, I have a name for the shit I experience. asthenia 

from my own experiences and troubleshooting, I believe I may experience neuromuscular asthenia specifically.

I’ve had blood tests done and anemia would’ve come up with that, so the “iron deficiency” cause/solution is moot. I’ll endeavour to drink a lot more water, see if that changes anything.

it came up because the anxiety/depression medication has this as a side effect, and it made the existing infrequent bouts more frequent and worse, and the doc pinned it down as that.

I also didn’t know to describe it as weakness, because its percieved weakness not actual weakness. so like the main searchword for it was invisible to my eyes.

[sixthousandbees]

I was doing some world building for a fantasy story I daydreamed and wanted more of. I *need* to have some internal logic when I’m making things, and the focus of this world building session was magic.

I liked the idea of mana crystals, specifically as an organ one uses to manipulate magic that hardens when one dies - some of the mana one has literally crystallizes as its no longer used, like blood coagulating. Fantasy media I’ve seen tends to just have demonic/magic monsters having magic crystals, and thats one way to differentiate between monster and beast, but I wanted every living thing to have one! I wanted humans to have them, as the core of spells and skills. Plus if everything had one it would make it easier to code later down the line if I was to adapt this into a game.

But... where is the line drawn? I liked the idea of trees and mushrooms having them too, as magic trees give rise to ents and dryads, and magic mushrooms are drugs but also glowy underground, and thats a staple. but... how far back does one have to go in the evolution to have trees AND mushrooms AND animals having the same thing? are we saying BACTERIA gets magic crystals?? what kinda spells are germs gonna cast?

...What about viruses? If I say “all living things have magic”, and I give viruses magic, I’m making a statement I’m uncomfortable making.

I talked with a friend, and he said viruses steal mana from other things in order to duplicate. I loved that. “procreate” is a spell everything knows, even if they’re not conscious of it.

OH DANG! This also is the answer for “surely everyone would get stronger and stronger magic as time goes by?”. The more magic one has, the more susecptible one would be to disease. The viruses and bacteria would duplicate more rapidly in a magic rich environment.

I was also linking magic to consciousness, with hints of who a person/thing was stored in the mana crystal. (oh! I may put resurrection in the setting, with one needing only the mana crystal. in emergencies, adventurers cutting out the magic core of their friends in order to revive them later. easier to take a friends rock than the whole friend)

With the link to consciousness, and the link to procreation, this is an explanation for exhaustion during pregnancy, as “create babe” is a continuous spell and the parent gets dry on magic. Having it as a separate spell rather than an act of biology allows for same gender and mixed species parents, AND removes unwanted/unexpected pregnancies, mostly.

ANYWAY. having “procreation needs mana” as an idea brought the thought that, in this setting, “wizards are the most sexual motherfuckers out there”. And I STILL find that amusing. Enjoy.