sweet summer days. lazing in a beam of sunlight that streamed in from his bedroom window, sleeping past 6am now that school was out. woken up by a brother eight years his junior bouncing onto the mattress with chants of
play with me, play with me!
alfie was all wide eyes and curlicues. kaz grabbed his excitable hands, leading him downstairs where he could make breakfast for them both. eggs, scrambled and a little burnt, with extra cheese for alfie, because
“that’s the caldwell secret. it’s why all the chicks dig this handsome smile, ‘cause...”
alfie finished the sentence for him, already well aware of his brother’s ancient wisdoms.
an afternoon spent carting his younger brother around on his back. so many afternoons like that. kaz was the fast one, so his shoulders were well worn by the small limbs that rested on them. piggyback rides were his speciality. alfie’s preferred way of moving about town.
the caldwell boys, a familiar sight around normal. kaz and his brother-shaped backpack. alfie with too large eyes who shared stories of the corpses that had recently shipped in to their family funeral home. kaz’s smile was a beam that shot through the discomfort of others who weren’t quite sure how to talk to the awkward younger one.
alfie and his hyperfixation. his desire to make friends but his inability to understand how. the only time he braved the horrors of social interaction were the ones with his hand firmly held by kaz’s warm, calloused palm.
the world was harder for people like his brother. that was what his parents had told kaz. sometimes he needed extra help. that was okay. kaz would always be there.
he made varsity the spring of sophomore year. something he had worked so hard for. kobbs’ voice echoing in his head, words like captain and scholarships and future. a future away from normal, away from the graveyard, away from the south side. pride and glory and a sense of belonging in the world.
practices started to take up more time and that was when the babysitter came into the story. alfie had cried the first time they left him with her.
she grew on him, but she never quite filled the shoes of his big brother. every day, the hope that his afternoon would be spent with kaz. every day, the disappointment as he was shuttled off to the babysitter’s house.
kaz, 16, a boy with a life. with a team, with a best friend, with a girlfriend. games, parties, midnight fortnite sessions. the time he made for his brother grew shorter and shorter as he grew more distracted by the particulars of teenage life.
a cold november day. fall break from school. a text from sara, his on again off again that was currently off (again). come over. let’s talk.
alfie in the kitchen downstairs, feet dangling from a chair. his eyes lit up at the sight of kaz, at the prospect of what days off together would bring.
can you take me to the park?
“i can’t, buddy. but i can call abby and she’ll take you.”
why? why not you? you never hang out with me anymore. you like everyone else better than me.
“that’s not true. it’s not. i’m busy, but you’re still my favorite dude. we’ll hang out tomorrow, alright? just you and me.”
“cross my heart and hope to die. tomorrow will be the most epic brother day we’ve ever had.”
epic. alfie had tried the word like he’d never said it before. mimicking the way kaz spoke, testing it out for himself. later, when kaz dropped alfie off at abby’s, he echoed it again.
tomorrow a town-wide manhunt. tomorrow their mother’s frantic sobbing. tomorrow a thousand missing posters printed. tomorrow an empty bedroom. tomorrow an empty promise.
tomorrow the worst thing he’d ever done. tomorrow the thing he’d always regret.