not ... enough but strong enough
I feel like my life is dominated by “not ... enough but strong enough” situations.
I am so tired.
and I am also tired that when i say this, some jump in with an example of a person who is in a worse situation than me.
Yes, i know. There are people in war zones. There are people lying sick waiting to die.
But i also know how i feel and i feel extremely tired.
This constant flow of negative events leaving me breathless, speechless, heartbeatless (is it even a word?), hopeless, joyless, apetiteless, motionless, sleepless, and all positive feeling-less.
And each time fighting so hard so that i am also not left dreamless and powerless.
Hi, my name is Seda, and i am not good enough for many things; not tall enough, not thin enough, not beautiful enough, not attractive enough, in Turkey not Muslim enough, in Europe not European enough, in Denmark not Danish enough, not fun enough, not drunk enough, not spontaneous enough, not courageous enough, not athletic enough, not fresh enough, not rich enough, not positive enough, not lucky enough, not friendly enough, not extroverted enough, not dominant enough, not considerate enough, not comprehensive enough, not not-stupid enough, not normal enough, and according to the immigration office not significant enough, but have been very very very strong enough to find ways to handle being constantly evaluated as “not ... enough”.
Yet, about to also be not strong enough.
Often, I just wanna disappear knowing that i can’t.Often, I don’t wanna wake up knowing that i have to.So I just wanna scream “WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUCK?”