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Should anyone come looking, I am dealing with a crisis. It’s a rather mundane crisis in the scheme of possibilities, and I’m not in physical danger or injured.

I am however completely overwhelmed and unable to socialise.

I’ll be dealing with this crisis for, rough estimate, 6 weeks. Then recovery for an unknown amount of time, depending.

This is not to worry anyone, it’s to assure you that my distance is not a lack of care or want to interact.

See you on the other side, take care of yourselves until then.

#personal #not ILD #going on hiatus right before now was either amazing timing or fuckin cursed me #last year was also like one crisis after another #at least no one’s dead this time (knock on wood)#anyway I just wanted to fucking write for fucks sake and now hiatus might just be dealing with fucking bullshit while autistic and disabled #my sister was like ‘well when I’m going through it I think at least I’m not bored’#(can you tell we all have ADHD?)#and like I wasn’t fucking bored I was greatly engaged I was having a lovely time just writing and talking to people and seeing my friends #and now everything is… I mean it’s my cat and three of my friends and my housing and their housing and I ONLY SIGNED UP FOR SURGERY AIDE #and like explaining it would take more spoons than I have bc it’s complicated-ish #i am still writing a little bc if I don’t write I’ll die like a shark that needs to keep moving to breathe #just you know… on my phone which is not great or as fast but it’s something #… it’s slightly awkward to complain online now when I first started no one knew me esp no one irl #ah well #I’m pretty adamant I’m not gonna let myself fucking die until I finish this fucking fic #so don’t worry too much

Hangin out, waiting for them to come wheel Lie into the knife room

#not ILD #personal #it’s surgery they’re having surgery #chair is uncomfortable but do I complain? yes. by vagueposting on tumblr #nurses are nice tho #nurse: bold of you to eat in front of someone who can’t bc surgery in like three hours #me: I’m hypoglycaemic leave me alone with my lil hash brown fries #nurse: I mean usually you go eat in the hall. in shame.#Lie: I know she has… no manners smh #ganging up on me with the medical staff *scoff*#(all teasing in good fun :3)#(hashbrown fries are delicious actually)#(I AM SO TIRED)

Never in my life have I understood the depth of any relationship that I couldn’t do a media study of

people just Say Things to each other with no baseline for any of it

‘I love you so much’ for this specific thing? For being the kind of person to do it? Does this emotion have a second of resonance or ten years? Are we friends? What kind?? What does that mean?????

#not ILD #personal #ignore me #but you can’t ask for clarification or you’re ‘weird’ and ‘ruining it’ and ‘reading into things’ and ‘need to just chill out’#at this point I default to the lowest possible reading so I stop embarrassing myself #listen I can psychoanalyse this shit myself I get why I’m like this #I just have no idea how to adapt it to anything functional #nothing means anything idk #I’m putting this on this blog bc this is a ‘shouting into the ether’ post #my main has Followers and Mutuals that might see it #this one has that one person and they might not see it anyway and I’m gonna just assume it’s chill #hi cool you can ignore this I’m just frustrated with myself and I didn’t sleep enough #I should probably talk to my therapist again soon but he’s not autistic idk if he’ll understand this at all or just ‘don’t worry so much🙂’

The next person who tells me killing Connor is fine actually he gets a new body it’s fine gets a link to a Jacob Gellar video about no actually it’s not fine

that will Absolutely Ruin Your Life.

#not ILD #every single video on that channel has given me an existential crisis #I block out a half hour at least over the run time so I can dissociate about it after #you fuckers watch yourselves #also that video comes with a bunch of trigger warnings also so if you look him up take care of yourselves ok?#… but also watch yourselves you little shits 😤

When my fic gets one (1) comment that’s maaaybe critical:

*walking in a circle banging pots and pans together*: two cakes two cakes two cakes

My internal dialogue: no! You’re bad at writing and you should feel bad!

*banging louder* TWO CAKES TWO CAKES TWO CAKES

#not ILD #writer things #this is a difficult journey to ‘not hate myself for arbitrary reasons’#but I’m working on it

Do you ever write something where the characters remember something you didn’t so they’re acting weird but you let it go bc first draft and let ‘em do what they’re doing… and then five chapters later it hits the boiling point and you realise ‘oh right that thing happened that’s what they’re reacting to! Oh damn I forgot I’d written that’ and then you question how much you’re writing and how much you’re channelling some force beyond your ken that sometimes inhabits your mind with you and maybe writers block is when they’re out of town…

Or is that just me?

#not ILD #i mean not really #but kinda #writing #the weird thing is it’s Hank and I have a lot of trouble writing him to begin with #he is keeping secretssssss

There are absolutely upsides to the fact none of my family have ever cared to engage with my creative endeavours

I can just be like ‘sorry Auntie Ethel it’s not that I don’t care about [thing I do not remotely care about] But I have a deadline on Sunday I really need to get in’

And she’ll be impressed and let me leave, not knowing

- my deadline is unpaid and self imposed

- I’m writing about how gay the blorbos are regardless of canon

- if she knew anything about it she would talk to my mother again as if she could do anything about it

#not ILD #listen she makes cabbage rolls from scratch I need to still be invited to stuff #I could probably actually Suppliment my income but I’m deathly afraid of audits or losing benefits #disability legislation and enforcement is a goddamn nightmare #I did once make the mistake of showing one of my aunts are based on a manga and she was curious about the source material #uhhhhhhhhhh sure I’ll tell you the name of the series #as long as we agree nothing about the contents can be blamed on me #she never brought it up again I maybe dodged that bullet

#not ild

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