#not tw

[isthatbloodonhisshirt]

Dear work,

Please stop fucking me in the ass. I didn't consent to anal, and you don't know my safeword.

Sincerely,

An exhausted bitch who just wants to write about two boys kissing.

[chasing-chimeras]

my bf watches two seasons of teen wolf and now he’s suggesting me songs for my theo playlist 😭

[when-he-writes-stuff]

so i started watching The Gay Pirate Show™ because it’s everywhere on my dash but oh my god guys, it’s literally a gay pirate show

[thesewordsareallihavetogive]

just finished Warrior Nun and i am not okay. BUT NONETHELESS,, i highly recommend it!!!

[beacon-hills]

my perception from a young age was that love was contingent on meeting expectations. it was not unconditional from my family, as i saw it, but i had interwoven the definitions of “happy” and “love” together so tightly i couldn’t tell them apart. so, my perception was actually from a young age that happiness dictated the presence of love, and that happiness was contingent on meeting expectations. expectations for manners, cleanliness, good grades, and all the other things a child learns quickly makes their parents happy, and thus earns love, not knowing if those things make the child itself happy or not.

this was compounded when in my teens i had my first romantic relationship. firstly compounded not by him, but the friends who were unhappy with me for liking him, because they liked him too, though i could not decide for him who he returned feelings for. i learned their love for me was tied to the expected happiness i brought them and robbed them of.

secondly, that same boy taught me love’s expectations in all the wrong ways: “if you love me, you’ll try this” and “if you love me you want to make me happy”. it took me months to end that relationship, and at the time it wasn’t because i didn’t want to love him, but because i couldn’t make him happy. i didn’t discuss this with him, as i had already failed to meet his expectations and thus failed at my ability to love him. it was the first time i considered i didn’t know what love meant.

again in my late teens i fell in love. though now the overbearing weight of my guilt, my inadequacy, my shame for not meeting expectations to earn love had solidified and pressed into me, leaving impressions that i was correct all my life: love is contingent on meeting expectations and this time… this time i won’t fail at love again. his love was kind, patient, and overflowing - a true opposite of what i previously knew. rather than months, it endured years, including me starting college.

but soon the expectations came back like whispers of ghosts. i believed he needed me to be his everything. girlfriend, lover, best friend, mother, sister… the biggest expectation of all is to be everything to someone. i could never be that. i could never give him that. i could not talk with him about this because i had already failed to love him by not meeting my own preconceived expectations. so i ended it and he agreed if it was what i wanted to be happy. because in truth, where i thought he held expectations, he only held unconditional love that i could not recognize. years later, with reflection, that was his final gift to me: i did not know what love meant.

speaking to my therapist, i once compared this to taking all the missing, broken pieces of myself and filling them with gold so that i could reflect others’ expectations back to them rather than let them see the void inside of me. to make myself seem okay, to make them happy, to receive love. though now i realize a wound gilded in gold cannot heal. i still struggle to this day that if i make someone unhappy they will no longer love me, but i know that means it wasn’t really love. today, i know what love means to me. all i can hope is to learn to live by that.

[forfakingfairness]

Thomas + blue mood board 💙

[taliavoider]

Demi Lovato Brought Back “Karen”

She is making herself look like a complete nutcase by oversharing and exploiting a personal situation that doesn’t warrant any valid or credible attention. I understand bringing awareness to triggering eating disorders, but she detailed the name of the store and went live just to complain about them not having the “yogurt” she wanted. Her fanbase attempted to trash the reputation of the froyo shop on google reviews to which costumers overrode the fans with a ton of positive reviews, referring to them as “Karen Lovato’s.” I hate that Karen is being brought back up because of Demi’s bratty tantrum. Somebody on TikTok commented, “Demi Lovato and Gabbie Hanna give off the same energy” and I agree. It’s always hit or miss when Demi Lovato is trending, so I never go out of my way to look into it too deeply since I know it’ll just annoy me. (The only reason I know about this topic is because it was brought up on the Frenemie’s podcast and then it popped up again on my fyp.) I really do wish Demi well. She seemed very disassociative to have posted such a petty situation in the middle of a culture crisis. We are having issues with gun violence as well as reports of blood clotting from a rare allergic reaction to the covid-19 vaccine. It’s just an odd time to be upset about frozen yogurt, let alone soliciting it to all of us. —My input