#nothlit problems

[notananimorph]

Them: Are you a man or a woman?

Me: I’m a hawk

Them: No, I mean, what’s between your legs

Me: A cloaca

[notananimorph]

The “Andalite bandits” have splintered.  It was largely inevitable.  Unlike the Animorphs series, the war hasn’t ended, and it’s cost us a lot of soldiers, human, Andalite, whatever.  I was actually part of the original group that happened upon the dying Andalite prince who gave us his Escafil device.  I’m the only one of them still alive.  We’ve kept recruiting since then, and, well, you get enough people under pressure, and they’ll fracture.

I’ll give you a rundown, and I’m obviously going to be biased towards my own faction.  I know these people and there’s a lot of animosity there.  So be warned as I discuss these douchebags.

My own group is called the “Protean Collective”, and we’ve got the most people.  Problem is, most of them aren’t useful for combat.  We’re most closely allied with the free Hork-Bajir colony, and we’ve been freeing human hosts as well.  We’ve also got a lot of nothlits, largely humans who got stuck on missions.  We do have some intentional nothlits, though, some people who had genetic illnesses that threatened their lives, and, (and I know @selfdeterminedsymbionts won’t believe me) a few Yeerks and Taxxons who chose to trap themselves in another body.  Basically, we realize we’re in the middle of an invasion, and we have to try and stop them, but there’s lines we won’t cross, and if anything good is going to happen after the war, well, we’re going to need to work with other species.

The first group that split are the people I hate the most.  They’ve cycled through a few names, but they’ve settled on “The Vanarx”, after the Yeerk’s natural predator.  These are the genocidal fuckheads who at some point decided that any despicable action was fine as long as it killed Yeerks.  And they aren’t too worried about collateral damage they cause along the way.  I won’t lie and say my hands (or talons rather) are clean, but the majority of the worst shit done by morphers in this conflict comes from them.  Luckily, they have a high rate of attrition, but they manage to recover their losses quicker than I’d like.

The next big splinter are the “Fleet Vanguards”, or as I like to call them, the Heaven’s Gaters.  These are the people that still have faith that the Andalite fleet is going to come and save us all.  Everyone else, however, has cottoned onto the fact that the Andalites don’t have any plans for Earth that don’t involve a planet-shattering boom.  These folks are in total denial.  Now, you might imagine that all the Andalites on Earth were a part of this group, and that only Andalites would be a part of this group, but you’re wrong on both counts.  There’s more Andalites here than in any other group, sure, but it’s only a plurality of the Andalites on Earth (Like, 30-40% of the Andalites still here), the oldest ones, the ones who were middle-aged when they landed here after their failed space battle.  And within the group, they’re outnumbered by the humans.  These people… well, they’re to Andalites what those hardcore anime fans are to Japan.  It’s kind of creepy.  Oddly enough, for their part, the Andalites in the Vanguard actually value their human members.  Sure, it’s paternalistic and awful, but they do legitimately care about their little cultists.

Then there’s the “Saviors of Humanity”.  They’re basically the opposite of the Vanguards.  They may not be completely genocidal, but they are very much of a mindset that Aliens Are Bad.  This group is the only one that’s 100% human and they will keep it that way.  And, while they tolerate groups like the free Hork-Bajir for now, they’ve made it abundantly clear that when this war is over, they want them off our planet.  Aside from that, they’ve got sticks up their asses and are very much authoritarian and militaristic.  Our first leader, who died in combat, is treated by them as some kind of hybrid of Washington, Patton, and Jesus, and our second leader, also deceased, is treated like a lesser version of that.  Basically, they’re fascist pricks.  

The “Defenders of Gaia” are closest to us ideologically.  They’re also in favor of working together with alien races and a big multicultural freak fest.  Problem is, these guys aren’t only after Yeerk operations.  They’ll happily go after whichever human group happens to piss them off.  Corporations, militias, hate groups… hell, I’m pretty sure they’re gunning for the US government these days.  I mean, the Yeerk Empire often is involved with their targets at some level, and they do go after them as well.  Still, they’re wasting time and energy, and increasing the chance of getting caught.  

The last group call themselves the “Shadows on the Web”.  They’re our stealth and tech-specialists who hack into Yeerk systems, spy on Controllers, and do all sorts of useful things.  However, as we started to split, they basically decided they were going to sit out the war.  They fight back against the Empire, but their methods are little more than leaving a flaming bag of dog feces on their porch, ringing the doorbell, and running away.  They’ve got useful skills, but we’re in the middle of being invaded.  Rickrolling the Pool ship isn’t going to make it stop.  Still, they can be useful.  Hell, they got me this secure setup out in the woods.  But everything comes with a hefty price tag.  They also have a few organizations that are subtly working to undermine The Sharing which is always a good thing in my book.

But yeah, those are humanity’s last hope: My band of misfits, a group of underhanded monsters, an Andalite cargo cult, a xenophobic militia group, the ELF on steroids, and Anonymous.

Fuck it, I’m going to see if a red-tailed hawk can drink whisky without dying.

[notananimorph]

hypothetically, how would a red-tailed hawk be able to type on a computer?

I don’t know, I am not a red-tailed hawk, nor do I know anyone stuck in the body of one.  I guess maybe they can morph to their human form to type, if they got their morphing power back from an Ellimist.  Or, if they’re unwilling to go through that trouble, they may be able to use a stick in their beak to tap on a keyboard…

Heh, “hunt and peck”

Or maybe if they had a friend who was an Andalite, that Andalite could build them some kind of thought-speak-to-text devise.  You know, if they could make one without it CATCHING ON FIRE AND NEARLY ENGULFING THE WOODS IN AN INFERNO.  

I swear, that kid is a waste of Cinnabons sometimes

[notananimorph]

What tastes better, possum or rat?

If I was a hawk nothlit, which I am not, and neither is anyone else, I would say that both taste about the same, but possums put up too much of a fight to be worth it