❝ A heart’s a heavy burden. ❞ ( cis to marls )
howl's moving castle meme ( accepting ) + @nrcssablack // narcissa
Nobody talks about the the downsides of being a ‘hero’, do they? The nightmares that follow you round, how nighttime always feels like a threat - that any moment could be your last, and there’s no poetry, no glory in that, knowing that you could be taking a piss in some forgotten dive bar one moment, and in the next, how that fear can eat your alive, until there’s no true sense of PEACE left in you. They all have their ways of coping, and none of it, really, is telling themselves that they’re doing this for the right reasons, that they’ve got purpose, history, goodness, at their backs. The truth is that they’ve all done things by now that wouldn’t make their former selves proud, it’s funny, how easy it is to negotiate with yourself into doing terrible things in the name of a good cause, it’s terrifying how easy it starts to become.
Marlene has her own vices that help her SOOTHE her own part in this, another drink, another night, she loves the bar and loves the familiarity that it fosters, how a new person, at any moment, is a red flag and a sign that she needs to get out, even if every step’s a fumbling mess, her work clothes always restricting her steps, her wand work a little more sloppy. But who’s to blame her, when she’s got a different hold than most? Marlene’s in the business of secrets, buying and trading, selling when she must - the Order needs information to survive, and she’s got a job that gives her all the worst kinds of access, does she not? And unlike her best schoolfriend Lily, she hasn’t that glow of marital bliss to ward off what she does, not when she knows sometimes it’d be just so easy to escape into the comfort home could provide her.
All she’d need to do was close her eyes and pretend that the world wasn’t burning around her. That’s not too bad an idea some nights, when her morals feel looser then she’d care to admit, smoking cigarettes out the back with one foot wedged into the gap to keep it open. Watching for SHADOWS in the night. An unfamiliar face makes its appearance, at least in the context of here, she blows out, tries to swallow a smart remark that feels mean in her mouth, mealy, head tilting upwards to catch none other than Narcissa Black’s eye; time to put on the charm and the veneer, Marlene McKinnon, after all, has taken on the new shine of the newly returned; new job, new friends, the debutante and pureblooded princess draped in blue, with mercurial wit and care. “Narcissa.” a warmth like honey within her voice, where has she been, smoothing over the nervous energy that radiates from her, pregnant and solid. “Did you want to take a seat? Have something to eat? It’s not the best of fare but... they do have a good glass of wine if you know what to ask for.”
They sit, they talk, just like the OLD TIMES - school made things easier in some ways, and harder in others. Surrounded by people who wanted something to talk about, you always had to be a little bit careful and, despite it all, she couldn’t help the way that it felt almost impossible to look away from the icy blonde heiress. She was never as terribly cold as people thought her to be... maybe it was loneliness that kept her protected in some way. But at the least, they had treasured memories to share, didn’t they? Perhaps her so-called ‘return to the fold’ disappointed Narcissa, but even now, as they cradle glasses of wine, the other woman seems to cut to the heart of her. “A heavy burden?” keep it like, McKinnon. Even if it is Narcissa... “Who, me? Well, darling, you’d have to assume I even had one in the first place.” a wink, a smile - a disappointed look.
She hates herself in that moment.
Being a hero is not nearly as fun as they made it all seem, was it?
