#nthn

[gazeofgrief]

Is it just me being weird or both ao3 and Twitter are down at the same time?

[mayathesc1ent1st]

I sound like such a clueless child when I say this but I really struggle to recognize my mother as abusive when she's not directly abusing me, she's been chill with me for literally a couple years straight aside from invalidating my emotions and suddenly I was like yeah I have normal parents I mean they're terrible to nika because she's more disabled which matters ofc they aren't Good people but I'm rly lucky and privileged they treat me well. and then I actually fuck up and get verbally abused so badly I don't want to be alive anymore and put in conditions that might just physically break me. and I'm still like "well she's very upset like anyone would be in this situation and if she was a classic capital a Abuser she would have treated me like this since I was a child, but no she was lenient with not letting me do chores when I was a kid and never insulted me which means that now it's probably justified". her patience has worn thin with me. I really Really REALLY fucked up. she could have encouraged me to get a job asap without degrading all of my worth as a human being but tbh. if I felt like I can relax at all then I wouldn't have done anything for at least another couple months still leeching off her and dad's money. and if I feel like I'm gonna die in this house I'll be actually incentivized to escape it as soon as possible. so it's not abuse it's motivation.

idk if it's gonna work I already feel just, paralyzed with fear instead of motivated, but it's showing in practice how much I'm worth as a person and how much I'm capable of. if I overcome that state and actually make it I can be proud of myself. hope I can, I'll at least try

[artroan]

as embarrassing as it is to post these old designs its also very important to share how far they’ve come (and how far i’ve come) 

love these kids

[mayathesc1ent1st]

I need to become stronger for trans women. I always talk about how I'm too depressed to actively be there for my transfem friends and have trouble reaching out but I need to remember they're just as if not more depressed and they have just as much if not more trouble reaching out so I either keep centering myself or I actively try to be a good friend. shounen training montage but it's just me overpowering myself to be there for girls

[mayathesc1ent1st]

my entire body hurts and I only cleaned the floors in like 40-50% of the house yesterday, ok then some more cleaning in dad's apartment but it wasn't hard at all, maybe it's from the bags I was carrying. I hope my body can adjust to heavy labor instead of flaring up like this after doing a ton at once while completely unprepared. I should have been prepared I should have been doing more before. scrubbing floors is the only way I'll ever make a living now so I should get used to this. if I'm not disabled yet (sitting down every 5 minutes while sweeping or scrubbing the floor is probably normal it's just like regular rest?) I probably will be in a couple months.. but we'll see...... I hope I can adjust ahaha

[mayathesc1ent1st]

had a nervous breakdown so bad I fell to snow screaming and crying, I'm only bragging about it because it's gonna make me seem like I'm Actually mentally ill and I can't miss this opportunity, but actually considering the circumstances I'm more of a big piss baby and any other mentally ill person I know would have shown self restraint so don't feel bad 4 me

[mayathesc1ent1st]

kinda sucks that I'm losing touch with everything I used to be able to identify with, I'm not a smart and analytical art lover at least compared to other people I know, I'm not a suffering abuse victim (yeah I didn't have that much to identify with) because what I've been through is much more tame than literally everybody else I know, I'm not a cool rebellious teenager with alternative fashion that I used to at least Want to become. all I am is an approximation of how kind I am to other people and how much I do for them, and the answer is not enough but also as much as I can. sounds whiny probably. anyone who sees this post it's not me whining that you ask too much of me because you don't, you often don't ask anything at all and could do with asking more I promise. it's just abt my identity and what I can currently identify as being and I'm sort of in a crisis because I lost everything but kindness and my kindness isn't even that outstanding.

I'm also like, an artist but I also literally can't share most of my work unless it's going to be highly praised and unfortunately it's not a joke and I can manage it outwardly in my interactions but internally - barely and it's like A Problem. I should either produce a key to this room that I locked myself in or break down the fucking door. another problem even if I do decide to share my art is that it can't be All that I talk about with someone but that's like for next time

tldr all of my current identifiers are either not good enough identifiers for me bc I don't actually perform that identity enough or are actively harmful and toxic

[mayathesc1ent1st]

блять помогите пожалуйста я так умру мне кажется