I've been feeling very like self conscious these past few days about my online presence, or rather just what I've been creating and digesting these past I think two or three years as a pro/darkshipper or whatever the fuck
Which is a bit crazy to think about for me since its been so long, and I have had these thoughts before, but Ive never sat and thought about them wholly. I think it's just a guilty conscious I have since I was once an anti before who saw only wrong, fictionally and irl, in the things I enjoy and indulge in now, despite being a hypersexual minor who was always fighting with impulsive thoughts at the time. I am still always paranoid when it comes to posting and sometimes drawing even when I'm by myself, and I feel I haven't fully embraced my interest in liking these things I romanticize with fiction, like rape and abuse and pedophilia and such. I've been painting myself as a good person and innocent sister for lowk all of my life, but even then I thought that with those two-three years I've been consuming the same content I make, I'd grow a lot more comfortable with separating those two sides of myself 🤔 But I have not.
I sometimes think it's due to my mental health or like something that happened to me when I was much younger since I have previously said I was hypersexual, mentally, i wasn't raised around the most appropriate adults. If that is not the case, then I must've feel down a rabbit hole and just gotten desensitized to these themes in a way or found the taboo a bit too interesting. I've heard that some people who were proshippers and such have "healed" or some shit and changed but I don't think I can change since I somehow don't see full wrong in how I'm engaging in it. I don't like rape or abuse and other stuff like that when it's done outside of a fictional bubble, and I don't condone it either and I never will i hope. Yet somehow, I think maybe from the purity culture and how badly it's preached from antis and in general due to its contents, I still like it and don't think it's all that bad, kinda.... even writing this I'm telling myself "I sound fucking crazy", so ig it's just the anti angel on my shoulder cussing me tf out 😭
I'm able to separate fiction from real world, and I am very educated on what is wrong and right and how to feed into both, but ig I'm still having problems with how I see myself as this proshipper persona, if that makes sense. I feel like a bad guy sometimes, a real nasty person that probably needs help, and that could be true, but I just wanna stop thinking about that more than I do is all. I want to turn my brain off and just like and draw these things without having the whiny pussy part of me telling me it's wrong....
It's a struggle being a very woke and self-aware person who happens to like and enjoy drawing my favs involved in very disgusting themes wehhh
i dont even know if this went anywhere im very bad at writing down my emotions. sorry for vent post I just have nowhere else and nobody to talk about it to it's been eating at me :/