The Heterodyne Boys and the Atomic Clank!
June, 2013 Canaima National Park, Venezuela
Today sucked, actually.
It was just supposed to be a lighthearted cryptid-hunting expedition. Something to distract Robo from all the everything. He could only listen to the fearmongering talking heads calling him a secret terrorist with false personhood for so long. It was supposed to be a vacation.
Best-case scenario, they discover some kind of South American Bigfoot or whatever and distract the public from that thing with the nukes for a couple weeks. The worst case, he had assumed, would be a nature hike in the jungle.
But no, apparently the actual worst-case scenario was a secret underground civilization of rock-people from before the dawn of time being mind-controlled by Dr. freaking Dinosaur. And now the mountain had been destroyed by a giant, allegedly immortal lava worm while the reptilian idiot's stupid bomb was going off.
Maybe he should take a break from action science. Maybe he'd spend the next decade or two just doing... I dunno, math or something. Or maybe I should look into medicine, take the time to finally get that second doctorate--no, knowing my luck I'd stumble into a zombie virus plague. Ugh. "AHAHAHA! Look at all that inevitable twenty-three dimensional doom!" the idiot shouted, dragging Robo's focus back to the horrible, horrible present.
"Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I'm NOT dying on the back of a giant lava worm," he pledged to himself.
"Magma!" Bernard shouted from somewhere below, which wasn't helping.
"Robo!" the radio in Robo's head crackled. "This is Dr. Sandoval. Do you read?"
He looked over at the helicopter circling the giant worm. "Yes. Doctor, I need you to get closer. I have a terrible idea."
Dr. Dinosaur continued rambling to himself above. Robo tuned him out as he did some quick math in his head. The bomb was continuing to gather energy, and was slowly approaching his position.
"We can't hold this position for long," Sandoval reported, the helicopter struggling to get close to the thrashing worm.
"Won't have to. I'm taking the shot." First things first, though. Robo slid down the lava worm's side toward his employees, grabbing them in his arms.
"What about the bombs?!" Vik yelled from his position over Robo's back.
"First, I need you guys to go limp."
Lang's eyes widened. "Wait, when you say that, you--"
No time to let them realize or they'd struggle. Robo heaved, throwing all three of his team at the helicopter. Vik made it to the side door, while Lang and Bernard managed to grab the copter's landing gear.
"Now get as far from this thing as you can!" he ordered.
The stupid bomb was falling in earnest, now, the worm's undulations sending it falling down its... back? Side? Whatever, doesn't matter. Dr. Dinosaur was nowhere to be seen, which was just typical. The machine was sparking something fierce, and Robo latched on as it fell directly into him. "I got the nukes!"
Now he needed to hurry and disarm this thing somehow before it went off, and who knows how long that would ta--
Everything went blue.
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Winter, 1867 Somewhere North of Belgrade, Serbia
Miron stuck his tongue out as he worked something out from under his fingernails with a knife. Whatever it was, it was in there deep.
Opposite him across the campfire, Grishnarf turned the spit holding the boar over the flame. The shaggy Jäger leaned closer, drinking in the scent of cooking meat.
Miron glanced up. "Hy vouldn't get so close if Hy vere hyu."
Grishnarf looked up in time to miss his long beard falling into the fire. "Eh?"
Miron waved him away; he'd figure it out soon enough. "So, do ve know vat de Masters iz doink in Belgrade?"
One of the twins looked up from sharpening his sword. "Savink de day, vat else?"
"Hy was hoping for sometink more specific."
The other twin looked up from sharpening his axe. "Hyu vould know better den uz, Hy tink. Hyu got closest before dey entered de city."
Miron sniffed. "Dot vasn't dot close en hyu know et. Der Masters vouldn't be heppy to see uz."
The other grumbled at the reminder. It never got nicer to hear no matter how many times it was said.
"Prob'ly zum big clenk vat's makink a mess, Hy bet," the twin with the axe offered.
"Hoho, hyu tink somevun turned on old Master Nimrod's hunting clenk? Hy tink he left it somevere around here."
Grishnarf frowned in thought. "...Vas dat de vun vat hunted, or de vun dat got hunted?"
There was a distant explosion, and all of them paused to let the sound of far-away screaming wash over them.
"...De vun vat hunted, methinks."
"Aye."
Grishnarf suddenly howled as he finally noticed his fur was on fire, abandoning the spit to run around the clearing in a frenzy. The sword twin took over cooking while the axe twin shouted 'encouragement.'
"Careful, Grishnarf! It's almost at hyu hat!"
The furry Jäger yelped and dropped into a roll in the dirt.
Miron ignored all that, having finally found whatever was in his fingernail. "Dere hyu are, hyu liddle..." Setting the knife aside, he reached in with the claws on his other hand and gingerly gripped whatever it was. Wincing, he pulled out a splinter nearly the same size as the finger it was embedded in.
The sword twin hissed through his teeth. "Ooh, dat looks like it smarts, brother."
"Hy thought mine finger vas feelink stiff lately." Miron flexed his finger, working the kinks out, and studied the splinter intently. Then he picked his teeth with it for a second before tossing it away. "So, vat are ve tinking vit de pig? Hyu want to do it fancy-like vit de spices, make some stew? Or do hyu just vant to tear into it?"
The twin--his name was either Rem or Rom, Miron could never figure out who was who--gave the question due consideration. Another explosion echoed from the direction of the city. "...Hy tink ve gots time to cook it proper."
Miron nodded, standing to get the supplies. Grishnarf finally put his beard out, breathing heavily.
"Tank hyu so much helpink me, hyu guys," he grumbled, checking his hat for damage.
"Hyu looked like hyu vas having so much fun, Hy couldn't bear to stop hyu," Miron said, grinning. He tossed Grishnarf his knife, and the furry Jäger set about cutting away the burnt parts.
Miron was in the middle of trying to figure out where the herb jars ended and the poison vials ended when suddenly, every hair on his body stood on end. He blinked. "Dot's inneresting. Hyu guys--" he began, turning to face the others and finding them in similar states. Grishnarf's face completely vanished under his fur, and electricity arced between his hairs. "--Hy guess hyu feel dat too, yez?"
"De Masters must have got dat lightning gun vorking after all," the sword twin guessed.
"No, dat feels different, and hyu can taste it in the air ven it goes off. This is different," Grishnarf said.
Miron held out his hand, and the shaggy Jäger tossed his knife back. With that in one hand, Miron drew his sidearm and sniffed. Something on the edge of his senses drew him... north-by-northwest. Without a word, he leapt into the treeline, climbing into the hgih branches. His brother followed behind him.
Static jumped from his fur to his weapons, and Miron vaguely wondered if that would be enough to set off the gunpowder in his bullets. That would be a neat trick. As they went, the charge grew, and one of the twins sneezed; there was something in the air.
On some signal none of them could directly perceive, they stopped over a patch of bare forest ground.
Grishnarf looked troubled. "For zum reason, Hy find myself tinking of old Robur," was all he had time to say before the world lit up blue.
Miron pulled the brim of his hat down to shield his eyes as, down below, an sphere of blue light ten feet across appeared with a crack of thunder.
"What--"
Then just as suddenly as it started, it was over. They blinked the spots out of their eyes and looked down, not knowing what to expect. They weren't too surprised to see a bulky silver clank lying on the ground. More interesting was the way that all the matter the sphere had encompassed simply wasn't there anymore, perfectly smooth trunks of earth and tree deleted from reality.
Most surpising of all was that the clank was wearing tattered green pants. That was unusual.
"Did de Masters do that?" the sword twin asked. When they looked at him, he clarified. "Hyu said it might be a clenk dey vas fightink. Is dat it? Did dey send it here?"
Grishnarf shook his head. "Not Nimrod's. Dat vun was big, gold, und looked like a gorilla. Tho Hy guess ve don't know dot's vat they vere fightink..."
"Hy didn't tink zo," the twin said. "Too small."
The other twin smacked him. "Then vy did hyu say it, eediot?!"
"Hy thought it vas vorth asking!"
The two of them bickered while Grishnarf noted that the charge in the air was gone, patting his fur back down. Miron's eyes were locked on the clank. Aside from the clothing damage and some minor scratches, it was entirely intact. He'd fought a lot of clanks in his time, and he'd never seen one quite like this. It was incredibly humanoid, but also very... plain. No insignias, no obvious signature, no paint ... could be a new Spark, he supposed, but it would have to be an unusual one to create a clank so devoid of decoration. Most Sparks had a developed sense of aesthetic.
The clank's eyes flashed.
"Shuddup, it's waking!"
The twins froze as the clank's eyes lit up, glowing a sky blue. Then, bizarrely, it groaned, which was a very weird thing for a clank to do.
"Ughhh..." The clank sat up, rubbing its head in a veyr human way. Maybe it was a man in armor instead? Its legs looks too skinny for that... It looked up, and the four of them back up into the shade of the branches. They needn't have bothered, since it was looking away from them. "Daylight? How long was I out?" it said in clear English.
It stood, dusting itself off. It looked around, scanning the environment. "Wow. Must've flung me for miles..." It squinted. "Or more. This is a temperate forest, not a jungle."
Miron looked over at Grishnarf. What do? he mimed. Grishnarf shrugged. Then he grinned hopefully and punched his hand. Miron considered it, then relunctantly held up a hand to wait.
The clank put a hand to the side of its head and started talking to itself. "Hello, Tesladyne. This is your robot-in-chief checking in. I appear to be alive." It waited. "Okay. Civilian bands then..." it muttered.
The twins shifted, readying their weapons. They clearly weren't content to wait. They weren't looking at Miron either, so he couldn't tell them otherwise. He tried anyway, taking a step towards them.
Something cracked under his foot. All four of them looked down. The branches they were standing on all looked fine. Miron looked further down. The tree that that ball of light cut into was this tree.
It started falling. Miron and Grishnarf had time to exchange a wide-eyed look before they went down.
The twins got in each others way and became tangled up in the tree branches. Grishnarf jumped for the trunk and held on for dear life. Miron instead elected to jump clear and away, flipping twice in the air before landing feet first one the ground.
Directly behind the clank.
It whirled around, arms spread in a ready stance.
Miron blinked at it.
It blinked at Miron.
Then it heaved a sigh. "Oh, the crazy isn't done yet. How disappointing."
Miron grinned. He opened his mouth to make some sort of clever comeback; something along the lines of the clank not having seen crazy yet, or perhaps getting offended that he was considered a disappointment.
Unfortunately, before he could get a word out, the clank punched him in the mouth, and the fight was on.
