Dear Nunnally Ambly des Ayvelles,
I want to first start by once again apologizing. I know you would have liked to come with me, but I was only coming as a replacement for my father. I sincerely hope you don't hold this decision against me. Thankfully, the caution was warranted. The displeasure on their faces when I arrived instead was evident to say the least, and equally as stressful for a few days. I'm sure bringing a guest along wouldn't have aided in their frustration with my father's absence. It was tense at first, but they've thankfully accepted the reality of the situation, so progress is now being made.
How have you been? I hope keeping busy, having more fun than I am right now. I realize I never asked if you've grown comfortable yet, with a new home, people, culture? I suppose I never heard you complain or ask for help, so it hadn't crossed my mind. I also understand the reality of not yet viewing me as a confidant, so if there is anything that can be done to aid you in finding that person, please feel free to do so.
It's admittedly odd to not have your company here after growing so used to it. A couple of mornings I wanted to ask if you were awake yet since you weren't with us for breakfast. The hope is to be leaving in a couple of days. I look forward to hearing what you've been up to. Would you like me to bring something specific back for you? I've also been taking notes of everything discussed for you and my father. Once I'm home and if you would like to, we can go over the trip together.
Thank you and please stay safe,
Hibiya Subarashi
(… ) “Dear Hibiya Subarashi,
Your letter did find me in good health, although much later than I would have liked. I would wish I could say I was not distracted by your sudden and unexpected departure, but I, indeed, was. So, Her Majesty kindly suggested that I took a trip to the countryside. And so I did. But – as I want to believe by a simple mistake – my letters had not been forwarded to me so I am only able to reply now.
If you are wondering if I was enjoying the trip, the honest reply is: yes I was. The landscapes were beautiful, and I especially liked the mountains, which tops were still covered with snow. Snow is not something you often see in my lands, at least not anywhere close to the capital city. I was welcomed warmly, and it would have been a perfect stay, if it were not for your absence.” (…)
Nunnally stopped writing; she was looking at the words and the sentences her slim hand (with a help of a pen) put on the elegant blueish paper. They looked so stiff and unnatural for her; the truth was she wanted to write something else. Something warmer, something more personal, but if she did, would it ever be hold against her? Did the last sentence looked as if she was complaining about his official duties…? Though if she didn’t write it, wouldn’t it mean she was not missing him? And enjoying herself too much while he was away? Shouldn’t a fiancée miss her husband-to-be? But she was truly missing Hibiya. Why was he doubting he was close to her? She enjoyed his company, perhaps they were becoming friends... Although that probably wasn't the relation she was hoping to have with him… Did he want anything more than friendship?
Nunnally looked through the window; she could see the garden and the ladies of the court having a picnic there. It made her think that Hibiya was right: she was still a stranger here. She still didn’t feel accepted, feeling the pressure that Hibiya should be marrying someone coming from their culture? Repeating the choice his father had made? She had recently heard the remark (not meant for her ears) that she was nothing like Kana. And she was not. She didn’t want to be! Nunnally briefly remembered Hibiya’s first fiancée. They had met during some social event. Was he still missing her? Regretting the past?
The princess really tried. To fit. But it was not an easy task given how different their cultures were. Were Hibiya’s letter a gentle reminder that she was not doing good? Was a light scolding hidden under the polite words and kind concerns? Nunnally made a mental remark to try harder. Feeling the slight anger now filling her veins. She was doing really good; that was her honest assessment of her own efforts. How much more could be demanded from her now?
She started to write again.
(…) “ Seeing something beautiful, experiencing something new, I wanted to share it with you. Please forgive me my selfishness, I understand why you had to go and why my presence by your side would only be an additional burden. I was explained why your mission is important, and I am relieved that you assess it so far as a success. I will be happy to assist you with anything you find useful upon your coming back, which – as I was told – will unfortunately not happen as soon as I would wish for.” (…)
She stopped again. Nunnally had again that feeling that her letter seemed to be an accusation that he had left. She was doing such a bad job now, and she was painfully aware of that. She stood up and started to walk around her chambers in a slightly irritated manner before she sat down again and continued her writing.
(…) “I have filled my schedule with meetings and lessons so I am keeping myself busy. I am sure you’d be happy to know that the preparations for our wedding ceremony are progressing as planned. There will be some decisions to be taken upon your arrival, but I was not feeling confident to take them alone. The wedding planner you had suggested is, indeed, helpful, but some of their suggestions go against the things we had discussed and agreed upon. I do not find them of exceptional importance for the ceremony, but I might be missing some important elements that would be obvious for you. That is why I have decided to wait, but I truly hope this information will not cloud your thoughts.” (…)
Perhaps she shouldn’t mention their wedding at all? But then she would not be able to write about the wedding preparations because that was exactly what was happening. Should she tear the letter and start all over again? But there were already three drafts waiting to be burnt in the fire-place. And then if she omitted the subject, wouldn’t it look as if she didn’t want to discuss it. Why couldn’t she simply be honest and write what she really wanted and tell how she really felt?
Because you are a princess Nunnally. And your letters will always be the matter of state affairs; she replied herself and came back to writing.
(…) “You were asking me if there is anything you should bring me back from the trip. There is something I’d want. I would like you to come back and gift me some time together. I am well aware that the time after your coming back will be busy, but if you find it achievable, I would have a request for a joint breakfast or lunch. But of course duties come first, and I’ll understand if this meeting would have to wait. Otherwise, I’ll happily accept whatever gift you might have for me. Although I feel I am spoiled with gifts nowadays.” (…)
Yes, she was getting plenty of gifts now. As if everyone expected she should be showered with presents to make up for the crown prince leaving without her. She didn’t need being pitied in such a way, so the gifts truly annoyed Nunnally. Though they also kept her busy writing all these ‘thank you’ notes, and when required sending the small appreciation gifts back. She sighed. She would have greatly preferred to be there with him. Although the princess understood why she had to stay. Yes, keeping her away from the country’s affairs had annoyed her and was often the reason she felt unwanted and useless. But this time she knew she could not go. Would Hibiya know she knew? That she started to understand the country, its politics (and him?) better.
(…) “Tomorrow I am leaving for another two days to attend the local festival in the shrine in the nearby town, so as you can see I am well taken care of. I am not sure if my visit can be or will be considered as an official appearance, but I will do my best to make the right impression.
Please stay safe and I do hope I will be able to enjoy your company soon.
It’s where she wanted to stop. To add a personal touch into the letter. To let Hibiya know that she was growing close to him this way or another. They might never become lovers. They might never feel lust for each other, but it didn’t mean they couldn’t become friends. And then being friends was equally important for royals as sexual desire. Though Nunnally couldn’t deny she wanted to find out how it feels to be truly desired. And to desire. But perhaps it was not her destiny.
Her thoughts drifted to her naïve maiden dreams and wishes that seemed to be overridden by the reality of the real life. She used to think she would despise her current life more. But she did not. How odd that was…! The princess was sitting there deep in her thoughts until the ticking of the clock brought her back to "now". And she simply finished undersigning her letter.
(…) Mathilde Ambly des Ayvelles”
A single tear rolled down her cheek as she folded the letter and put in inside the envelop to have it delivered to Hibiya. She didn’t know why she was crying. A princess should not cry.
A princess should not cry.
