Nursing month 6
So I've been an RN for 6 months + now.
It still feels like I'm introducing someone else when I introduce myself as a nurse. And there are still moments it feels surreal as I sign my name, RN.
There's a sense of relief of being over the "hump" of this year. I've heard warnings from other nurses that 6 months is the worst. If things continued to get worse since orientation I might have started planning my one way trip out to the city of anywhere else but here. There was a time when maybe once a week I'd go home feeling completely demoralized and thinking about my exit plan. By God's grace, things are steadily coming together. Thank you Lord, that's all I can say. Nurses and doctors are becoming more people to me than another cog in the hospital machine. I have more patients who trust me and find comfort in my nursing ability (getting IV's in on the first try score you major points). And getting to know people over a series of days has been something I can actually enjoy more now that I don't feel like I'm going to have an ulcer, angina, diarrhea and implode all at the same time. For hours at a time.
It's very different dealing with the stress of consequences that only affect yourself (i.e. I didn't study for a test --> I get bad grade) versus the stress of making a mistake that might harm someone (i.e. accidentally making a med error, introducing infection to someone, forgetting to carry out an order). It's a gut-wrenching, heart stopping kind of terror. The kind that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and wonder why I ever left the safety of my mother's womb.
But as I continue on this nursing pathway the terror moments are fewer and farther in between. Franticness is being replaced with routine and confidence. With the growing familiarity of faces, systems and daily tasks, I'm feeling a little more settled into my scrubs.
STILL a long road ahead, of course. But all in all, I'm thankful I am here. I'm thankful for where I've been placed. I'm thankful I have the freedom to leave. I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful that poop comes out of my butt and not into a bag. I'm thankful I can stop to smell flowers. I'm thankful for God's grace towards me in every area of lack. For the overabundant expressions of God's goodness in spite of darkness, I am thankful.