[barefootedwandering]

New years eve

Last day of 2017 Reminded that the cross is for me. For me. Because I need it. My sin. My brokenness. My life. And the victory on the other side is for me too. How amazing!

[barefootedwandering]

“I give it all to you God 

Trusting that you’ll make 

Something beautiful out of me” 

[barefootedwandering]

In quietness and trust

“This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: ‘In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.’”  

Already in the past several months since the start of 2017 there’s been such turnover with the season God was taking me through and the state of my heart. Despite all the changes the overarching theme has been the same -- wait. 

The question the Lord had been pressing on my heart was not simply will you wait, but “how will you wait?”  In February when things felt dark and uncertain, with no idea whether things would change for the better, discouragement felt like the banner over my life. Most days I looked to him with a heavy heart and wondered, will things be different? Is this time an exercise of learning to accept my circumstances? 

In the midst of this a new challenge rose within me -- will you wait in hope? Will you be patient in the waiting? Will you believe that God is good and has good in store for you? I could wait in despair and frustration, or I could wait in joy and trust-filled hope. Same action of waiting. Perhaps same amount of time waiting, and same outcome after the wait, but the difference of the heart in the wait makes all the difference. The challenge highlighted for me again how my life journey is so much more about the heart and what’s going on “on the other side of your face” (as Misty would say). The real gold was not in the outcome after the wait but in the gaining patience and hope in the Lord through the process. I’m sure the future will be filled with more challenges to wait in hope, but certainly thankful for the lesson this time around. 

Next up and a continued struggle is to wait on the Lord in quietness and trust. This morning “Still” by Hillsong came to mind: 

“Find rest my soul

In Christ alone 

Know His power

In quietness and trust” 

Finding stillness. It’s like getting away upstate NY after being in the city and being awed by the vastness of silence, space and stars. I love it. 

It’s literally the most incredible thing to simply be still in the presence of God and need so much more of it in my life. It’s a journey of discipline of removing every obstacles and distractions and doing whatever it takes to get into that place... to be still and simply know He is God. 

[barefootedwandering]

27

A little belated on my turning 27 post, but better late than never. 

Where to begin with my 26th year of life. The best I could describe it is in these flashes. Flash, flash, flash, done. Up, work, gone on a trip, up, see some friends, back to work again. Having scheduled my life in chunks of a month at a time, it’s almost a little scary how fast I feel like I’m being pulled forward. Or like stops between the subway. You’re riding, launched forward unable to stop, and when you next look up to catch your breath you’re twenty streets down from where you started. 

26 was both markedly ordinary with bursts of wonderfully extraordinary. Slowly, through the grind of learning, bending, trudging and sometimes painfully growing through being a nurse it’s been a process of making little etches into who I am and my character with each day. Each fleeting moment of how to respond to frustration, wounds, disappointment, defeat, annoyance, hope, love, longing, and dreams forming has shaped me into someone a little different than 26 year old me. A little more solidified, a little more able to stand my ground, a few more skills and tools for the toolbox, perhaps a little more tough and jaded. The last part is something I certainly wanted for survival sake, but still I look fondly back at more tender, sensitive me, glad that that was there. Who am I kidding though, I’m still a sensitive soul, but that ‘s okay. It’s a process of learning to accept myself fully for who I am, and I know it’s ongoing. It was so hard not to despise my weaknesses and determinedly rid myself of them (not successfully of course, but I did really try). So many times after a bad shift I was gripped with the condemning demand on myself that I need to be different. I need to change who I am because clearly this is not working out. The Lord is bringing me through a gradual healing journey of knowing his voice and believing who he made to be is truly good, even in the contexts of where I feel like I’m failing. 

-- edit 5/10 

Thankful to have a transition and new start with becoming 27 -- new relationship, new job, and with the start of clinicals a new focus on school and women’s health. It’s still surreal to tell people I’m 27 or to hear other people say I’m 27 (but that’s old!) but whether or not I feel like it’s right, here I am. 

[barefootedwandering]

When we share it with a burning heart

Brother Yun after reciting the entire book of matthew to a group who had been praying for him to come, because he didn't know how to preach-- "When I opened my eyes I saw how God's Word had captivated everybody. The Holy Spirit was convicting them of their sins. They all knelt down and repented with tears flowing down their cheeks. That night, even though I was just 16 years old, I learned that God is powerful. When we share it with a burning heart, many people are touched."

[barefootedwandering]

You are precious, you are wonderful

Sometimes, exactly what we need to hear. 

Sitting with M sharing about her struggles with never being satisfied. “You have a goal. you achieve it. and then you move on to the next goal. at what point are you satisfied?” 

That’s the burden we put on ourselves. I put on myself. That performance mindset that says “you’re not enough. try harder. do more. be more.” But God looks at us and says, “you are precious. you are wonderful, just the way you are” how powerful. I told may those words and she stared down silently. She was quiet and didn’t quite know what to say as she sniffled slightly. Then changed the subject and talked about korean dramas. 

Sometimes I think that’s exactly what we need to hear and know. Not critiques of how we can improve, ways to set the next goal and achieve more. But that simply you are enough just the way you are. You are precious. You are of such worth in God’s eyes you could not even imagine. And you didn’t do a thing to earn that, nor could you ever do anything to make him love you more. It’s simply grace poured out for us because that’s who He is. 

[barefootedwandering]

Strength in weakness

The last couple weeks of tears on tears after each shift had me D'd. Down. Demoralized. Defeated. Done. I felt so bruised and battered by a job where I can be up to my ears and over my head in everything going on, harassed and harried, giving beyond anything I feel the capacity for and then condemned for everything I didn't do. Wrung out like a rag, then tossed aside. But God. In His goodness and gentleness he lifts my head. Holy spirit comes beside me and says don't give up. To keep going no matter what and to press in for worship. He makes me aware of the enemy's schemes-- the enemy wants me to stay down where I am to suck my joy and rob God of worship. Mingled in the highs and lows of the past few weeks has been a stream of lies telling me who I am not. I see it's not just to come against me, but in opposition to the work God is doing in Philadelphia. So now comes the choice: to listen to and agree with the lies or remember and put on the truths God has already spoken over me. To get down on myself for my shortcomings, insecurities, mistakes, and weaknesses or rejoice because in these things I get to lean into God and trust His power is made perfect in weakness. In the brokenness, there is something so sweet and satisfying to be humbled before God and know that He is enough and that the most precious thing of my life, to be in relationship with him, can never be taken away even in spite of me.

[barefootedwandering]

Happy 26

Today I turn 26 years old. 

There’s something different about the feeling of turning 26 today than turning a year older in years past. The overwhelming sentiment I feel now is gratefulness. Gratefulness to God for the days He has given me, and for the days I have passing through this lifetime. The emotion I feel is happiness. I am happy because I’ve had the gift of 26 years. Certainly not everyone can claim that. 

I think what is different now is an awakened awareness. I wouldn’t quite call it a quarter life crisis, but the awareness that my days are numbered and whatever is to come is not guaranteed. So for what I have, I am happy and I am grateful. 

Usually at this time of year I take inventory of the past year and how I want to walk forward into the next. Even being able to sit and write this on 3/20/16 at 1am is a gift, because I should have been at work right now but got called off at 11pm. Thank you Jesus! 

25: Year 1 of adulting 

25 was a year of transitions and new beginnings, along with plenty of uncertainty and tumult! No doubt its share of fun and ridiculousness and blessings. I started out 25 with having no idea what I was going to do for work, just the sense that I should be in Philadelphia. By God’s grace I started my first nursing job and survived through my first year of nursing dealing with a lot of insecurities I thought I was over and done with. I lived my first year being financially independent from my parents, or as independent as I ever have been. I fumbled through developing healthy boundaries for some relationships in my life, as well as sowing into and holding close others. I got to live with eunjoo which has been one of the very best parts of life these days. i learned a lot and was stretched a lot through the many phases of my friendship with L. 

Highs: 

- living with eunjoo and JELS

- being able to give to others and provide for myself (yay paychecks)

- new friendships (citylife launch team, perspectives crew) 

-little trips here and there maintaining old friendships 

Lows: 

- feeling of failure after a bad shift 

- relational stresses with A and L 

- lack of consistency, not being able to be present to build community in philly 

- Feeling a block in being myself at work 

26: Building momentum 

For this year I want to be intentional and proactive in the way I live. Do things purposefully. Don’t be tossed about by what is popular or by my circumstances. Don’t be carried along the current, but choose my direction, hold my head up and carry my own weight. 

Be proactive to love and bless people. Be proactive in choosing joy and choosing to care. Be proactive in making amends, forgiving, and overlooking offenses. Be proactive in choosing humility. Be proactive to speak up and be heard. Be proactive to defend and protect others. 

I look at my life and my friends’ lives and marvel at the quickness with which everything can change. I look forward to this year with curiosity and an open hand.

[barefootedwandering]

my soul sings to you 

you are my reward

-- 

at the end of the day, no matter what happened or how I feel, so long as I can worship I know I am completely fulfilled in my eternal purpose 

loving Him. it is everything 

[barefootedwandering]

Twenty Sixteen Love Letter

To my love: 

The One who looked upon me with eyes of mercy and compassion. Came upon me and tenderly lifted my gaze. Who took my hand and showed me the way life can be. 

To the One who never gave up on me, but no matter what believed in me. The One who saw into the depths of my being and smiled. 

To the One who delivered me from the fear and darkness that crushed me from within--the day I looked in your eyes was the day I was freed. 

The gaze of your eyes said “You are beautiful.” And for the first time in my life, I knew I was beautiful. 

It’s you. It was always you. 

The One who I was made for

The One who I will live for

The One I will love into eternity. 

It’s you, Jesus, I will love twenty sixteen into forever. 

[barefootedwandering]

looking back and moving forward

I listened to misty edwards speak yesterday and again I feel the conviction. I remember listening to her at the end of 2011 and dedicated 2012 as a year of consecration to the Lord. It didn’t hold intentionally all the way through, but I remember the fire I felt as she spoke. She sings and speaks straight to God. She lives her life before the eyes of God. 

This is my spiritual resolution for 2014. To live my life before the eyes of God, and God alone. Every day I will take a step closer to my Lord. 

Little goals for 2014 

1. Take care of myself – drink water, eat and cook healthily, keep the apt. clean, make time to pause 

2. Read the bible chronologically 

3. Have technical photography basics down 

4. Love someone really well 

5. Be set up to be independent for when I have a job 

6. Enjoy philly life 

7. Cook a new recipe 

8. Start a savings account  

9. Read the chronicles of narnia 

Things that will happen by the end of 2014 

1. I will have a BSN in nursing 

2. I will be studying for the NCLEX 

3. I will be applying and searching for jobs 

4. I will be deciding what city to be in next 

5. It will have been 1.5 years since leaving China 

6. I will be 24 years old (almost 25) 

[barefootedwandering]

Happily I can say I actually followed through on most of these! 

[barefootedwandering]

Nursing month 6

So I've been an RN for 6 months + now.

It still feels like I'm introducing someone else when I introduce myself as a nurse. And there are still moments it feels surreal as I sign my name, RN.

There's a sense of relief of being over the "hump" of this year. I've heard warnings from other nurses that 6 months is the worst. If things continued to get worse since orientation I might have started planning my one way trip out to the city of anywhere else but here. There was a time when maybe once a week I'd go home feeling completely demoralized and thinking about my exit plan. By God's grace, things are steadily coming together. Thank you Lord, that's all I can say. Nurses and doctors are becoming more people to me than another cog in the hospital machine. I have more patients who trust me and find comfort in my nursing ability (getting IV's in on the first try score you major points). And getting to know people over a series of days has been something I can actually enjoy more now that I don't feel like I'm going to have an ulcer, angina, diarrhea and implode all at the same time. For hours at a time.

It's very different dealing with the stress of consequences that only affect yourself (i.e. I didn't study for a test --> I get bad grade) versus the stress of making a mistake that might harm someone (i.e. accidentally making a med error, introducing infection to someone, forgetting to carry out an order). It's a gut-wrenching, heart stopping kind of terror. The kind that makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and wonder why I ever left the safety of my mother's womb.

But as I continue on this nursing pathway the terror moments are fewer and farther in between. Franticness is being replaced with routine and confidence. With the growing familiarity of faces, systems and daily tasks, I'm feeling a little more settled into my scrubs.

STILL a long road ahead, of course. But all in all, I'm thankful I am here. I'm thankful for where I've been placed. I'm thankful I have the freedom to leave. I'm thankful for life. I'm thankful that poop comes out of my butt and not into a bag. I'm thankful I can stop to smell flowers. I'm thankful for God's grace towards me in every area of lack. For the overabundant expressions of God's goodness in spite of darkness, I am thankful.

[barefootedwandering]

“How marvelous 

How wonderful

Is your love 

Is your love “

- 

new song love 

[barefootedwandering]

Month 4

I dig my heels deeper in this intentional detour of serving at a hospital. The longer I’m in it the more I find I must clutch onto things that are beautiful. In the world of sterility, beeping monitors, hierarchies, and protocols, I need there to be things that exist with no other purpose than to be lovely. Give me anything creative and unique. Give me some grass to run my fingers through and earth for my feet. Give me some nonsense to laugh about and heartaches to know that yes, I am indeed human and not hospital-bot.

And please my patients, don’t sit there as words on a page. I don’t know why I’m here if you are just a diagnoses, lab values, and vital signs. I don’t know how to love numbers and words. I need to know you are Harry who can’t wait to get out because you miss your kids at home. And that you hate the Giants and like to cook beef stew on Tuesday night

Then I can get out and fill my oxygen tank. Take in all the beauty and love and life-giving presence of God you have been missing in your hospital bed and shower you with what I have. 

My month 4 prayer is for compassion. That I can have the heart of the One who loves and knows each person in front of me. 

[uneventfulness]

my blog will make you smile ♥

[photojojo]

By stacking multiple time lapse photos on top of each other, Canadian photographer Matt Molloy has taken the technique to a whole new level.

Btw, we’ve got an automated Time Lapse Camera that does all of the work for you!

This is What Happens When You Stack Time Lapse Photos

via Booooooom

[barefootedwandering]

Love love monet-an water lilies, had to give them a try. at midnight. definitely the most appropriate time #watercolor #impressionism #midnightartthrrapy