#nurturing myself

[kitkatktpi]

I just assumed I was a “tom boy”. Oh when I was a kid I always had people ask if I was a boy or girl. Lol

I remember in grade school feeling different each day and that chose what I wore. I quickly got rid of the frilly shit from my mom. She let me get whatever clothing I wanted so I never had to deal with the “that’s boy clothes”. 

I had both guy friends and girl friends I would play with and it would change on the days I felt like either m/f. I’ve always wondered how I connected with guys so easily. Some times I feel like I behave like a dude in some cases. And I can identify with women as well. 

I’m 27 and I have always just assumed that other people feel super masc one day and super fem other days. And some days I just felt like “eh who cares” and didn’t worry about it. 

I also figured that I was just playing up the “butch” label. I am either bi/pan so I had just assumed they were correct. 

Genderqueer also explains my different actions in sex as well. Some days when I’m feeling masculine I take charge and all that. Other days I don’t. And other days I feel gross about sex. I’ve used sex as a form of abuse for myself so I’m trying to work on it. I used to make my life revolve around sex and I can’t do that to myself anymore. It hurts me and makes me lose myself.

I’ve lost myself for the last 10 years and I can’t let it happen again. I know who I am inside and I keep covering it up to please people. I am looking forward to embracing more sides of who I am and letting them show because guess what, I’m a fucking awesome genderqueer bi/pansexual person and my life is gonna be fucking great!

[flamingokitty22]

When you finally get to tell the 2 people you hate and who hurt you the most to go fuck themselves????

[kitkatktpi]

Y'all smoking pot and being out in public is crazy!

So I started it off with putting in my headphones and dancing in the grocery store aisles.

I get up to the cash register and I zone in on this lady bc she is a customer and rearranged the carts to they were the same length, taking the carts from the cashiers when they were done with them. Ok cool, it's also helpful. She could have worked at a store like this before and knows it helps and she may just have a need to even them. Totally get it. She finished and then breathed a big deep breath and walked off fast into the aisles. I hope she feels better and her anxiety rests.

I accidentally focused on a woman's butt who was wear nice pants, I'm sorry. When she gave me my receipt I made eye contact while smiling said thank you, I hope you have a good day! She sounded surprised when she thanked me and wished me one as well.

And then, I started conversation with the attendant helping me out to my car. I commented on the weather as Midwesterners do. Then he said he gets off at 10 so he is going to enjoy the day. I wished him a really great day as well holding eye contact and he looked happy and said the same.

I'm usually so anxious I have no eye contact, I don't talk and if I do it's forced. And I hope the employees have a good day because of it. I know at my job one customer can make the biggest difference.

So yeah, I feel comfortable with myself, I feel comfortable with other people, and I feel like it's gonna be a really good day. Earlier before I went in to the store I was already so tired and worn out after struggling with royce this morning.

[flamingokitty22]

Good things from today:

I relaxed alllllll fucking day.

I spent a lot of time with royce.

I talked to nice people again and it made my day/night.

My landlords may be a pain in the ass when it comes to mowing the lawn but they really are wonderful people that care about Royce and me.

[flamingokitty22]

Good things from today:

I cleaned my house for 4 hours. That's the most productive I've been in weeks.

I got my new vehicle registered and got groceries.

I ate Chinese food.

I took a nap.

I bought sixlets.

[flamingokitty22]

Good things from today:

I felt like work went a little better today.

Royce surprised me on his way to school. He walked thru the door at work and I honestly think my face light up so huge. I gave him the biggest hug ever and it honestly made my day so much better. Even if i was trying to have a moment while he was making food requests.

I took a nap.

Royce and I danced while we picked up the house, it was wonderful.

I'm gonna make my boss a surprise because I love my boss and he is great.

[flamingokitty22]

Good things from today:

My friend brought me lunch and spent some time with me.

I made a doctor appointment for my knee. I could barely walk today at work it was so bad.

I cleaned the kitty litter up which was long over due. And I picked up the kitchen. So I feel accomplished.

Royce sniffed his pencil eraser and then licked it.

[flamingokitty22]

Good things from today:

I did A LOT of stuff at work today so I feel accomplished.

I had therapy today.

My therapist's dog with his silky soft nose and jowels (he's a mastiff) buried his face in my arm to smell me and it was beautiful.

Royce told me today "I need my mom not a dad. And actually you're right, I don't need a dad right now. I just need you, mom."

A kitten is asleep next to me.

I had been really wanting a hug from Royce before my mom took him to school and she texted me out of the blue saying she was going to stop by bc he wanted to give me a hug.