#nutraloaf

[inmate-24601-911]

Looks nicely browned.

[rickmctumbleface]

Fortunately for Trump's prison guards, nutraloaf doesn't make a mess when it's thrown against a wall.

[seat-safety-switch]

Private prisons are not really a good thing. Sure, there’s the whole “lack of oversight” deal, and the fact that most of them have committed heinous abuses against the prisoners in their care. Their worst crime, though, may be “Nutraloaf,” a compressed-sawdust lump of shit that is supposed to pass for food but actually looks like someone else has digested and rejected it a few times already before it hit your plate.

It’s not appetizing in the least. So what, I hear you say, I drink all my calories in the form of a white milky beverage that Silicon Valley sells to me, and I am operating at peak nutritional performance except for the occasional finger vibrations and four-alarm hallucinogenic freakouts, and those might be due to stress anyway. Food isn’t that important, right? Wrong - studies that I can’t cite right now because they don’t exist have conclusively proven a link between shitty food and criminal recidivism. Nutraloaf is breeding future cybercriminals and supervillains, which is why all the existing private prisons have to be shut down and changed into Uncle Switch’s Fun-Time Jails, a new chain of private prisons that I run.

Sure, we’ve got all the inmate torture, terrible conditions, and constant surveillance that you’d find in any one of our competitors’ jails, but there’s a big difference: our food is pretty good. It turns out there are a lot of professional chefs who go to prison for insurance fraud all the time, and they’d willingly work for free if it meant they got to pursue their culinary passions while still in the big pen. Peking duck, duck confit, Thai orange duck: so many good options, and damn cheap because we get a really good deal on ducks that fall into the industrial tailing ponds on our property.

So write your legislator right now. After all, with the way things are going, it’s in their best interest to make sure their future prison meal is pretty tasty.

[inmate-24601-911]

Chained to the wall, looking at his "food".

[inmate-24601-911]

Your meal is ready.

[pawgliacci]

[talesofdrunkennessandcruelty]

Forget Nutraloaf — prisoners are growing their own food

[jenn2d2]

It goes by various names — Nutraloaf and Disciplinary Loaf, among them — and the ingredients can vary. Pennsylvania prison chefs invented a chickpea version, while Illinois included ground beef and applesauce in its court-contested recipe, as well as other ingredients that do not usually go together. The version in New York State prisons used a motley assortment of baking staples and hard-to-overcook vegetables, including shredded carrots and unskinned potatoes. It was served with little more than water, to choke it down, and cabbage as a side. But under an agreement announced on Wednesday, the loaf’s long reign as the worst food in the worst corners of New York prisons came to an end, a symbolic victory for inmate advocates and state officials seeking more humane, and more appetizing, treatment for prisoners. “We will eliminate the loaf,” said Alphonso B. David, the chief counsel to Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo. The menu modification is just one of a raft of changes to solitary confinement policy announced by the Cuomo administration and applauded by supporters of prisoners’ legal and human rights, including improved living conditions and restrictions on the length of stays in small, isolated cells. “I view it as a tremendous step forward,” Karen Murtagh, director of Prisoners’ Legal Services of New York, said of Wednesday’s announcement. But experts say no change may have a more immediate impact on prisoners’ moods, and on those of the officers assigned to keep them behind bars, than the end of the so-called disciplinary-sanctioned restricted diet.

New York Prisons Take an Unsavory Punishment Off the Table - The New York Times