As someone who attends a good deal of large meetings and workshops at work, I have come to a keen understanding of the many personalities that appear when a group is gathered together to listen to one another. Some of them are endearing. Almost all of them are awful.
The Nodder - Endless, seemingly indiscriminate nodding defines this person. In an effort to make it clear that he is not only listening, but agreeing, supporting, and encouraging whatever you are saying, even if you have stopped saying it, The Nodder lives his life in a constant state of mostly gentle, sometimes vigorous, nodding.
The “Mmm”er - The cousin of The Nodder, and in fact often one in the same person, The “Mmm”er is actually far more disruptive, as she audibly nods over and over again with an almost sensual “mmm” that often extends to 7 or 8 M’s when a particularly salient point has been made. Questionable points sometimes receive an “mmm?” but are usually followed with a triple dip “mmm mmm mmm” to confirm that things have been cleared up. This person can be increasingly upsetting if you are sitting in front of one and caught off guard.
The Chimer - No statement goes unchimed in for this person. The Chimer would just like to add that they also met with Ken, and he seemed really distracted, Terri is totally right. Oh, and she ordered from Palermo’s and thought the chicken was just okay, so that’s just another voice to add to the discontent about Palermo’s. And she liked the old copy machine too.
The Piggybacker - Similar to The Chimer, but for The Piggybacker every comment is prefaced with a “I just want to piggyback on Lydia’s statement” but in essence is a virtual repetition of exactly what Lydia said, only now with this new asshole’s name attached to it. In actuality it’s much more of a dry hump than a piggyback.
The Constant Commenter - A steady stream of commentary about everyone and everything comes from this person, and there is almost no way to avoid listening to it. The most difficult position in the meeting is to be sitting directly next to The Constant Commenter, as you are immediately drawn into their conspiratorial whispers, labelled a partner in crime just for your proximity. Stop confiding in me! Please, God, just let me listen to this announcement about the canned food drive without being a party to your snarky rejoinder!
The Knee Clapper - This is the person that is just too damn busy writing, texting, drinking, or stroking their lone obstinate chin hair to put their hands together in a respectful fucking clap, so they must beat maniacally at their leg in a stiff, dramatic open-handed slap, making the weakest of sounds and looking like an enormous fucking idiot.
The Immediate Clapper - This over-enthusiastic person just wants you to know he’s with you. Every statement that seems like a remotely positive thing receives immediate applause, often with appealing looks around at people to encourage their applause as well. If it was up to The Immediate Clapper, each sentence uttered would be met with a minute-long standing ovation. You see a lot of these people at political conventions, but they are particularly infuriating at a work meeting.
The “Woo!”er - A hyped-up, often younger, version of The Immediate Clapper, The “Woo!”er greets every statement of affinity with a boisterous “Woo!”, almost seeming to shout, “WE SHARE THIS TRAIT!” in sweaty desperation. EX. “I’d like to introduce someone you might know by now.” - Woo! - “Trent Oglesby was raised in Honolulu” - Woo! - “where his parents were teachers” - Woo! - “later attending the University of Montana” - Woooo! Go Grizz! - “where he met his wife, Sharon” - Woo! - “and co-founded the Portugese Union.” - Wooooo! Yes! This person is also often a liar.
The Laptop/Smart Phone Immerser - This person has things to do, people! Files to edit! Reports to write! Emails to answer! Does it matter that they are in front of a computer eight hours of the day outside of this half-hour fucking meeting?? No! THIS IS VALUABLE COMPUTER TIME RIGHT HERE. HAVE YOU SEEN THESE AMAZING THINGS THEY CALL COMPUTERS??? MY PHONE IS ONE TOO!!!
The Hypothetical Answerer - Whether knowingly or not, this person revels in answering any hypothetical question that is thrown his way. In fact there is no such thing as a hypothetical question, so don’t even step to him. How about this one? Are we going to let this one go? No? I’m sorry you are alive.
The Coffee Slurper - Please just don’t suckle along the rim of the lid. No, please, no, not that, you will never get into that crevice so don’t make us listen to you try.
The Doodler - A mostly harmless participant until you notice that those charming little ovals and squiggles are actually fanged boners gushing blood.
The Aisle Sitter/Clock Eyer - This person would rather be dead than be at this meeting, and he would like you to know it. Nope, I’m not scooting down this row, thanks, I’ll stay here as close to the door as possible. And I will remain completely silent this entire meeting, as there is no way I am extending it beyond what it absolutely needs to be by adding my thoughtful opinions even if what we’re talking about directly affects me more than anyone else. Also? My bag will stay in my lap and my coat will remain on, and I don’t give a shit if this meeting is scheduled to last the full hour. Okay, it’s 6:02. Is anyone else seeing this? How many times do I have to look from the clock back to you and then to the clock again? I thought we were on a good faith deal here! That’s it, forget it, am I going to the bathroom or leaving? You won’t know until I’m already on the FUCKING DAN RYAN. SEE YOU TOMORROW, ASSHOLES. It’s hard not to respect this person.
The Nitpicker - “Do you mean 12:00 PM, because it says AM, and I don’t plan on being here at midnight, I’m sorry.” “Not a big deal, but I don’t know if you saw the typo on page 3? Yeah, there seems to be no page number, but there are page numbers on the other pages. Obviously, it’s not a big deal.” “You didn’t mention whether or not we would have to bring our own drinks, but Tony said earlier that we would have to.” “Can we all just get on the same page about what font we're using before we go?”
The Dick - Negative for no reason whatsoever, the goal of The Dick seems to be sheer obstruction of any forward progress. If that necessitates defying and belittling anyone who is speaking at the current time, so be it, we can’t all agree on this totally harmless, great idea. No one else is going to be it? No? Fine. I AM THE DICK IN THIS GROUP, EVERYBODY! “Didn’t you wear that sweater at our last meeting, Cheryl?” “Is there anyway you could have emailed this information out before the meeting so we had some time to think about it?” “I’m sorry, can someone tell us again what the point of this meeting is?” “Don’t you think we should have taken a vote on which charity we were donating to?” “Personally, I think it’s a waste of company money having snacks at these meetings.”
The Hero - Seeing herself as the meeting savior, The Hero always takes minutes, volunteers to turn the lights out for the projector, happily runs the slideshow presentation, and pleadingly calls out “They can’t hear you in the back!” if support looks dicey. The Hero wants nothing more than substantive discussion of every issue, even to the point of calling out Mark to see if he has an opinion because this seems like something right up his alley and wasn’t he saying something about this at lunch the other day? Also, if anyone wants to walk to the train together, she’s going that way, so let’s stay safe, just give me a minute to carry this stuff up for the guys in I.T.!
