self para for an old muse.
He had collided onto his bed, the curse words that he tried to say to himself being muffled by the pillow his face was pressed against. He deserved to get that from someone else but he knew that she would never allow herself to say any of those words to him. God there was so much that he knew that girl was capable of but wouldn't do out of her own fear that her efforts would be for nothing or because they'd just go unnoticed. Nothing she ever did went unnoticed though; he had noticed them all. Everything she did was special, her movements and her smile were breathtaking. For someone that was in med school he wouldn't have been able to do a single thing if his chest began to hurt and his breath got caught in his throat from just looking at that girl smile and hearing her laughter. It was truly the sweetest sound he had ever heard and the thought of that only made him mentally beat himself up even more.
"You're so fucking stupid," he said to no one as he pushed himself up from his bed. "You don't even deserve a second of her time." With that he let himself fall again, this time rolling over to stare up at the ceiling. He let out a heavy breath and closed his eyes to think back to the events that had occurred just a little over an hour ago. If his life would have ended at any second during that time, he would've accepted it without a care in the world because for the first time in a long time he was genuinely happy. It wasn't even because of something good that had happened to him, it was all because he saw that girl smile like he'd never seen before. She was starting new things in what he was sure would be an amazing life. She deserved it, the girl deserved so fucking much that he wouldn't have been able to handle it if another day went by where he didn't catch as much as a glimpse of a smile on her perfect lips.
Those lips. He had thought about them over and over, countless times. He had always wondered what it would be like to kiss her and even tonight after having had a few chances of finding out, he was still stuck wondering. Out of his own shyness and being too much of a coward. There was nothing to hold him back from just closing that distance between them. It was all he wanted and it wasn't much to many, but to him it was everything. It was crazy how he had fallen for this girl after only about eight months of knowing her. He knew from the second he met her that she was going to be someone important to him.
"I should've kissed her," he said to himself with a stupid smile even though he found no humor in the thought. He hadn't been able to do it and he would have to continue waiting until he just did it or she got tired and kissed him herself. He didn't know if she even felt the same way about him that he did for her, but something told him that she did. She had to feel the same way, he felt the electricity between them when they touched and he was sure she felt it too. It was almost undeniable. It was even more evident when they danced earlier. When they danced he was convinced that it had been the most silent yet most amazing three minutes and forty-three seconds of his life. Even after the song ended though and even the music player contributed to the silence, they stayed in place. Her arms were wrapped tightly against his neck and his hands loosely placed on her waist as if he were afraid that she would break.
He closed his eyes and began to drift off, still thinking about the girl he wished he would have finally kissed. He woke up a few hours later, feeling different and without a care in regards to the time he put on his shoes and headed downstairs, out of the apartment building. It was two in the morning and he was sure that she would think he's out of his mind to be going to see her at that time. He was going there with a single purpose and was prepared to prove her otherwise in regards to the word 'love'. She believed in it but she had been let down before and she was still healing from that heartbreak. He wouldn't let her down like the other guy did. It was a mission and it was almost a bit too dramatic when the raindrops began to fall as he made his way through the dark streets of Atlanta.
When he arrived at her building he was denied entrance by the overnight doorman. "Look kid, I can't let you in. Come back in the morning," the man said to him before closing the glass door. Of course, the new amazing place she had gotten for her birthday from one of her crazy rich friends would have a doorman. "Damn rich people," he said looking up the side of the building to what he was sure was one of her windows. "What would Spider-Man do?" he asked himself knowing that it was a stupid question. Spider-Man would climb up there but he was no fucking web swinger. Walking into the middle of the street he stood with his arms around himself from the cold which had been brought by the unexpected rain.
"Kylie!" he yelled up at the window before quickly looking to each side of the street to make sure a car wasn't coming. "Kylie!" he yelled again a bit louder. No response, of course. Looking around the ground he picked up a small rock and threw it up towards the window and failed miserably in hitting it. "Should've stuck with that tee ball team in the first grade," he mumbled to himself. Again he called out her name, louder than the first few times but still got nothing. He wasn't going to be let into the building and now it was more than obvious that she wouldn't hear him calling her name either, but Nolan couldn't leave without saying what he had come to say. "I know it's two in the morning and you're probably asleep, but I had to come. Well, I know you're asleep because you're not at the window looking down at me! I need to tell you that I think I'm in love with you! I wish I could have told you earlier, I wish I would have kissed you. That's all that I wanted! You're all I really want, Kylie! I'm sorry I was too much of a coward to say it earlier but damn it I don't know how to say things when I'm around you!" Even then there was nothing and he had accepted that there would be no answer to him from Kylie or anyone else. Wiping some water from his face he decided that it'd be best to just try in the morning when he was sure that she wasn't asleep or probably wouldn't think he's crazy for coming out in the rain at two in the morning to yell at her from the middle of the street about how he's in love with her. "I'm coming back in the morning with flowers! I want to do everything that loser couldn't do, I'm not going to leave like he did either!" Sighing, he gave one last look up towards Kylie's window, "You're amazing, Kylie Watson! I hope you know that!" With that, he turned around and walked back home, determined to say everything he had just said to her all over again. Maybe he'd even get that kiss.
