#nyrants

[nyrator]

Random life updates and vents and whatnottt

So, it’s almost September, huh.

I’ve settled into my new apartment, but there’s still lots of junk to get rid of, honestly. Mostly my mother’s clothes, which at this point is just overwhelming laziness stopping me from tossing.

Still dealing with depressing people to be around and doing my best to cut them from my life for good. It’s sad seeing people go from friends to creepily obsessive and manipulative stalkers with no sense of personal boundaries or space (no one on here, of course), but it is what it is and I just have to be smart and take care of myself.

Otherwise, yeah, just been dealing with an extreme depression, honestly- My life’s been pretty empty and I’ve been sleeping 16 hours a day for the most part. Last few weeks I just slept at random times, waking up at 7pm, or 3:30am, etc. Got to the point where I couldn’t last for more than four hours being conscious- and when I go to rest my eyes, I end up napping for five+ hours, usually. Twice this week I almost passed out standing up while making dinner

Slowly trying to get it on track to being normal- waking at normal hours, though admittedly depression hit me hard today and I just slept all evening until an hour ago. I used to be a light sleeper, but now I just feel like lead in bed, falling asleep, waking up with severe depression, and being unable to move and just falling back asleep.

Got vaccinated with the J&J some time ago since it was the only one they had (what an awful experience), got some banking stuff taken care of (and some new problems arising with my online account vanishing..), and I think all my mother’s legal stuff out of the way- but otherwise, just coasting on life. A weird anniversary passed recently as well that’s been on my mind a bit, but nothing I can do about it.

Really not sure what to do with myself, honestly. I have money saved up, and rent is cheap. Unemployment runs out next week (though I stopped collecting it last month because I didn’t want to have to apply for three jobs a week), and honestly, my social anxiety is pretty awful still. I went to Walmart yesterday to buy some Soylent drink to try it, and I almost had a panic attack from all the people and how fast things moved in there. My anxiety can be really bad. I’m getting more used to driving, at least, but the idea of the highway is still terrifying to me, too- and my eyes are so bad I can’t drive without some kind of protection, sunglasses in the day, anti-glare glasses at night- though, the anti-glare don’t work that well, unfortunately, so I try avoiding night driving whenever possible.

But then, what do I do with myself.. I could always apply to BAM the bookstore, but at this point, why bother. I don’t think I have the energy to even wake up for a job and consistently go every day, my depression is bad enough where I’m likely to just not show up, which is.. not good.

Health-wise, it’s been a year since I started my weight loss- lost 27lbs in a year. I’m at a normal BMI, 153lbs at the moment. I could probably lose a bit more- 130s are my goal but I’m happy with 140s, though I don’t think I’m losing weight properly, either. My depression makes me eat less, and eating less fuels my depression- I’ve been eating 1200 calories the past few weeks, since moving, having no appetite for anything like apples and just eating the bare minimum, which I’m sure contributes to a lot of my problems.

I bought a drink called Soylent yesterday to supplement something in my diet- it’s chocolate, and it’s surprisingly tasty, but extremely filling- I had it with lunch twice, but couldn’t stomach making dinner at all because of it. Might just replace lunch entirely with it and see what happens, though at the same time, dinner (aka kraft mac and cheese) is definitely my unhealthiest meal, so it is nice to skip it... But then my calories drop by ~140 per day..

It’d be nice to survive solely off this drink, but I don’t think that’d be healthy, either. Tagline even says it can replace any meal, but not every meal. Either way, ordered a case of chocolate and a case of original to try from Amazon, if original doesn’t work then I at least know I like the chocolate.

Halloween is around the corner, but not sure if it’s worth it to even attempt. I’m thinking I could maybe redo my Mado cosplay with a better top, but don’t have the energy to put into anything at the moment.

Art is art, and suffering. Lots of anxieties when it comes to what I want to draw still, Lave is a complicated character and I’m too worried about being judged or coming off as some creep, I guess.

In better news, I played Neo TWEWY this month. I ordered it from the Square online store for the preorder bonus- what a mistake that was. Nothing was worth it (the content is all inconsequential in-game stuff that appears later on, Twister was the main reason I got it but even that was unlocked later on), and it was almost 10 days late if I remember correctly when it should’ve arrived on launch day.

After that though, I was hooked.

I’ll keep spoilers out of this post, but I do want to write some kind of in-depth review sometime. But at the same time, I can’t think of mustering the energy for it anytime soon.

100%ed it a few days ago- got a copy of every single pin and mastered it, maxed out stats, money, bought all the clothes possible including duplicates, beat Time Trial on Ultimate, defeated every enemy on Level 1 Ultimate... Well, except the last one on the list, I chickened out and put my level to max on Ultimate (did Level 1 Hard at least), but figuring out the cheese strat I could easily do it level 1 honestly.

Fantastic game, better OST than the original (and I do not say that lightly), great voice acting from the new characters, great development that wasn’t too in your face. I have qualms about the main story, but otherwise a great game. I still don’t feel like I’ve figured out the gameplay to an expert level, but I feel it’s a great successor to the DS’s gameplay. Postgame felt a lot shorter, but the main game was a lot beefier it felt like, so not sure what to think on that.

... Of course, this was essentially my entire month. If I wasn’t sleeping, I was playing this game. And nothing else. Basically a way to keep me away from my own thoughts, but now it’s done with. I have an addictive personality when it comes to games or similar things, which is why I don’t like to play games or read books or anything often- I have to keep going, and I have to distract myself from all the thoughts I’ve been avoiding, and then I go to bed and get hit with all my negative thoughts at once, and yeahhhh.

I got No More Heroes 3 on the way, but probably won’t touch it any time soon. Kinda want to replay the first game and play the second game for myself since I own them on Switch (as well as finish TSA, I seen the second game played when it came out on Youtube but never played it myself even though I got the Wii version as well sometime after that...)

I guess that’s all the rantings I have in me for today. Almost made good art progress and an art stream today, before someone nosedived my mood back into the abyss- it’s my fault for still trying to keep in contact, I suppose, but maybe another day.

I really, really don’t want to think about October, either... I have a lot of negativity built up, and I’m really scared of hitting that date.

[nyrator]

more rambling thoughts

mannn, I’m good at rambling, though I expect everyone’s used to it by now

So, talked with a local friend today about RN, getting advice and such. Mentioned it on twitter, but my main focuses of RN should be the following:

increase legibility/flow of text

fill in negative space better/learn better paneling

incorporate art with words better

be more comfortable with what I share

Been always wondering how my text would show up, and then realized- it needs to be bolder. I don’t know how to do that except to re-make the font with a thicker brush, or maybe just use the bold font and re-fill the template and print out a new font (I’d have to erase the old font data on the website I use to make fonts which irks my OCD, but honestly it should be fine since I still have the original template anyway)

in terms of negative space/paneling, yeah, my backgrounds are a bit too barren and I feel like I can only draw characters, and get too lazy/intimidated to work on the backgrounds, so hm. I really like Kabi’s simple yonkoma panel format, but I’ve chosen to do a more varied one, so I just need to get better at doing it.

Also, mannnn, narrating over art is very hard for some reason. It’s one thing to tell a sequential story, it’s another to draw things that represent something you’re narrating. I feel like I’m almost rushing things too much too, when I should make things longer and elaborate- but I guess that’s what later chapters will hopefully be like. But yeah, I write the text out, then I just draw blanks on what to actually draw for it. I need to stomach myself to be able to read more Kabi for reference (god waiting until January for her next work to come to English is painful...), find more autobiographical manga maybe and study them.

I’ve spoken with people about personal issues/the complex I’m scared posting publicly, both because I don’t want people to think less or weird of me, and because the content I want to draw I’ve considered taboo, something you’re not meant to speak about publicly. It’s weird talking about it to people and realizing how silly it sounds out loud, but man, it’s really weighed heavy on my conscious. I’ve seen Kabi speak so openly about it though, and seeing her draw things publicly that I’d be much too mortified to ever draw, and it makes me wonder if I could as well, I suppose.

The answer I’ve figured out is, just do it, but do it privately- Or at least, contain it to the main galleries and not reblog it. Debating keeping it a website-exclusive thing, or having a separate Twitter dedicated to RN. I’ll probably wait until July to decide and think things through. But that way, only people interested in the comic will see it. I just hope that kind of content doesn’t devalue the comic itself.

A lot of my friends have NSFW accounts, places I don’t visit but can only assume about, and I don’t judge them any differently, so wouldn’t it be the same for me if I did this? Yet I can’t shake my insecurities, probably from a lifetime of punishing myself over this silly complex. Is it normal, is it sick? I just don’t know.

Maybe acceptance is all I need, accepting myself that is. Accept it’s a part of me and embrace it, or just be comfortable with it and not care what others think.

Sometimes it feels like I’m living a lie, or leading people on. It’s not related to the complex, but I think about identity issues too, seeing what people face. And I’ve accepted what I am for a long time- an identity of “let other people decide for me, it doesn’t matter what I am”, but I’ve grown to feel more and more like it’s a lie, that I’m just tricking people for no good reason acting like that. Such a passive way of being me is bound to hurt people sooner or later, I imagine.

Acceptance is weird, but maybe one day I’ll accept myself. I sometimes wonder if that’s part of my issue- not letting people see the real me, and being afraid to get close enough for them to find out I’m something different. Even streaming is intimidating to me because of this- revealing flaws of myself, my accent, my voice and the way I talk (or inability to talk coherently is more like it), revealing my appearance to people in things like facecams on stream, it’s intimidating, but maybe I should try it and just move on from this mindset. At least get back into shape and work on my appearance, after the virus I’ve not been maintaining myself properly since I haven’t been leaving the apartment

It’s really hard to do things and keep at it- Finishing projects, maintaining body, learning new things- I still tell myself, “I should learn C or C++, I should learn Japanese”, and I’ve been telling myself that for years. Focus is a tricky thing, and I wonder if I’ll ever be able to learn it or if it’s too late to learn to ‘focus’.

[nyrator]

more and more I wonder what I should be doing

so many things feel like just walking in place

Trying to get myself to do things is hard for some reason- I could be working on you&me, Rotten Nyan, or doing one of the many things I procrastinate on (laundry, signing up to go swim at some local pool), but just can’t

been working on 3D models again lately but I can’t shake the feeling of ‘what’s the point’, you know? and the other things I want to work on, trying to just get into the mindset of doing rather than wanting-to-do is really difficult

mornings are impossible to do anything productive (any goal I set for the morning like trying new breakfasts or something always fail), and evenings are usually too full of distractions to be able to focus, or too full of anxiety dreading not being able to continue working on something the next day

This year’s Daylight Savings also really feels like it’s messed me up- been so out of it and tired since, and can’t keep track of time at all.

sleeping for ten hours a day on my days off and yet still feel so, so tired all the time

[nyrator]

internet is very tiring again

everything is to be fair but today I just browsed a variety of controversies going on at the moment and all of them left me disgusted

part of me just wants to ramble on and on about my thoughts but nothing would change except people’s opinions of me maybe

all I know is the internet is too full of aggressive people

what I wouldn’t give for more people to just assume the best intentions in people, even from people considered terrible

why are people so ready to jump down each other’s throats, make sides, and push each other away from each other

why viciously attack into someone or groups of people you don’t even know for something they may not know the context for

why do people keep labeling others with sides and simplifying the complexity of what it means to be an individual human being

I hate this “lol fuck that person” mindset the internet has, this sense of superiority everyone seems to carry about themselves or who they associate with

no matter how terrible someone or some people seem or even are, why resort to being so disrespectful about things

[nyrator]

goddd okay

post solo exchange diary feelings

warning this got super dark/personal real fast and I apologize but mannn

so like

goddamn what a relatable author kabi is

god I wish I had scans of this manga to post and scroll through over and over again, I buy physical whenever I can but always read the digital versions anyway because convenience (also my head gets dizzy from physically reading things apparently, or at least my eyes don’t know how to focus properly)

okay so like

yeah it started off like “oh well yeah haha I’m successful now time to keep going, oh I’ll right an exchange diary”

and boy did it spiral down from there (in a good way)

the fight with her father, the feelings of abandoning her mother... those especially got to me. I’ve grown distant from my mother, but I still feel afraid to abandon her, leaving her behind with her growing dementia and inability to take care of herself, she can hardly walk. But at the same time, for my own happiness, the only thing I can do is leave. And yet, even if I do, the guilt will remain. That part resonated with me so hard and made me want to cry.

and then kabi’s life, writing about her ten years of depression, being a lesbian, her infatuation with her mother, and then having it published and trying to keep it a secret from her family, while also wanting to share it- until it ended up getting delivered to her house after she moved out, and her mother ended up reading it and just being so cold to her- such a familiar cold feeling. The lack of love in her family, the complexity of it all, I can feel it, I can relate to it so hard.

it’s scary to think there’s someone out there, who is suffering just like you are, but can phrase it so beautifully, and yet they continue to suffer and there’s nothing you can do about it

I have to admit this gamejam has brought up my underlying feelings of depression again. It’s something I’ll never be rid of, the scribbling insides of my head begging for suicide every day and every night, intrusive thoughts about returning to the lifestyle of mutilating myself with any object in my vicinity, my eating disorder, my lack of energy to even move at times, and other gruesome things I probably shouldn’t lower your moods with (sorry for getting too detailed here whoops)

yet I still have the mindset of “at least I’m not as bad as I was before, I’ve been worse”

which honestly is true, I have good people in my life, which honestly I admit makes me more fearful for losing them by venting, if solely for the fact that I know I’ll never get completely better, and am afraid of them giving up on me with these kind of relapses

but Kabi reminded me of something

loving myself is the only way I’ll find happiness, even if short-term. I have an extreme self hatred, I’ve noticed my mental nickname for myself is “you piece of shit”, and I’ve noticed any time I get remotely happy about something, or praise about anything, it makes me so estatic and grinny that my inner voice tells me “aaa, I’m such garbage, look at me getting excited for a single comment on this trash”, yet I still bask in the moment in a mixture of self-hating ecstasy 

it’s probably impossible, but I need to keep it in mind

but yes, this depression and Kabi make me want to do something recreational with it- if I’m going to vent about depression, I might as well do it in a format people might enjoy

after the jam is over I might try again to make a serious comic

I have a poll on twitter about it, but even then all the categories bleed together and I have no idea how I’d actually organize it into a coherent structure, but I want to make something. And not about me, but about a fictional character, some idealized version of me probably, some author avatar or something. That Rotten Nyan character I mention every now and then. And the events would be exaggerated but based on my life, without feeling weird or lying or anything since it’s partially fictional, and I feel that it’ll be too tryhard and dark and grim and beyond my capabilities of making, but I still want to at least try.

the problem with trying though is sitting there concentrating and turning these thoughts physical, and trying not to be overwhelmed into a crippling depression where I don’t want to move for hours at a time due to focusing on them and getting sucked away into the abyss with them. At the very least, I can vaguely picture the artstyle in my head, it reminds me of an artist I follow on twitter whos name begins with dorm, that sad yet more detailed deformed-anime look

at the very least I’ve managed to sort of distance myself from it and instead focus on it in terms as a story, but the biggest thing I’m afraid of: hurting people I reference in the story. There are friends I want to talk about, events that happen, but I don’t want to risk hurting my friends with this information (they’ve gone through their own fair share of hardships), but I’d feel rude hiding this story from them too. I think I’d probably just keep it underwraps for a bit and mostly keep it to online friends if it ever happens, though, see if the internet discovers it on its own.

but yes, the gamejam itself

I love the people involved and hanging around them is always a good time, and I really do want to finish this game someday, but man, this game just brings about some kind of irrational guilt in me, why I don’t know, that triggers my depression- but it’s so dear to my heart at the same time. I’ve tried taking breaks from it, for months, years, and I come back, reread my notes, and it still hits me as hard as ever. It’s not like other projects that I can just lose attachment to, something in me tells me this is what I want to make someday, this is the one. Even if it isn’t as a game, just some way to share Yarn and Nyla’s lives with the world.

I don’t know if it’s the feelings of sadness the game gives me, the doubts I have over the game itself, or just doubts in myself in being able to bring it to life, but mannn, it crushes my soul in more ways than one when I try to work on it

I’ve gotten two worlds done-ish-but-not-really, and my mind just isn’t feeling it, it’s not satisfied, and it doesn’t have the energy to polish it up. Backgrounds were always my hardest thing to visualize, and this game always proves it to me- I just can’t create landscapes or environments. I can make concepts, but not a solid physical form. It’s funny, I knew I’d only get three worlds done instead of ten by the end of this, but I didn’t expect the progress to be this painful to just get three done. Still, the jam gives me the most incentive to work on it, even if I don’t submit anything at least I’m working on something in a good environment.

but yeah, this got a lot more dark than I intended whoops

luckily I have good people to talk to about ideas and need to open up more to more people in general and get a better understanding of what I’m doing with this game

also yeah

read Nagata Kabi stuff

she’s great and I love her and wish her the best

[nyrator]

bluhhh

people are dumb

violence is dumb

disliking people for something they can’t control is dumb

physically harming anyone is dumb no matter their beliefs

beliefs can be changed through communication and experience

attacking another is just giving them vindication for misguidement

trying to point fingers at each other is counterproductive

actively refusing to understand another side and demonizing them is dumb

using your situation as vindication to spite or attack someone else is dumb, or things like “x happened so don’t you dare say y is worse”

cherry picking arguments and other dumb things are dumb

nothing is absolute

and god I hate people tearing other people apart by seeing things in extreme black and white and shifting their words through a grate and ignoring the intent of whatever someone’s trying to say, as if every single word must be calculated in such a way by a machine or something

also again violence and hurting other people and damaging property and things are dumb I don’t care if they killed your mother your people or just looked at you funny, being a vigilante is dumb and you can communicate with people and if they refuse or risk harming you or someone else then like, authorities. Document it.

organizations aren’t as corrupt and ill-meaning as people make them out to be, they’re the results of groups of people working in such a way that things happen, but even if an officer is a part of the problem, or the entire government is ignoring the problem, immediately resulting to violence when there are so many other alternatives is like... I don’t know

violence and anger both are just

don’t do things out of spite or anger

I know people from many directions and sides and beliefs about this, one portion tends to be very rash and narrow viewed and very sensitive to anything outside of the view, another portion tends to be more vocal, cynical and sarcastic and point out the flaws of certain views but in such a nasty way that it only makes the other portions think “wow this person is a jerk and I’m not going to listen to them because of it”, and the biggest portion tends to be mostly silent on it and just tries to have a good time

everyone is an individual with their own experiences and circumstances and throwing blanket terms to label entire groups is awful and turning a blind eye to these circumstances or reason is just

bluhhhhh

[nyrator]

busy day today

but yeah ended up failing in court so bluh

but on the bright side there was a friend bbq after work

so yeah court was today

my lawyer straight out tells me “look, I talked to the judge after the last case, and he refuses to kick your sister out on the street, especially since he knows she has some kind of mental disorder. If you try for a no-contact pfa, you’re most likely going to lose, so you’re better off keeping the contact no-hit pfa.”

“also because of how much I charged last time and because I feel really bad for your situation and for your mom, I won’t charge you this time. If you do go for the full no-contact pfa, then we’ll go to trial and I’ll have to charge you for it.”

so in short we kept the contact no-hit PFA. It lasts for 90 days, afterwards I’ll have to renew it if I still want it active. If she acts up with me, I call the police and right away six months in jail. I’m not going to provoke her though because as easy as it is I want it done the right way, if that makes sense. Plus, I know she’s going to snap, because she always does. I just hope it’s for something small and not like “stab me with syringe” or “kick/crush a cat in a door” bad.

and like my lawyer agrees that she’s a terrible person “just in her posture I can see how egotistical, manipulative, etc she is, and the videos you’ve shown me prove it, but these all involve your mother and if she refuses to get help then there’s nothing I can do to help her”

at this point I’m just going to focus solely on getting an apartment. A friend offered to help for either splitting the apartment or donating money, but god I don’t think I could accept donations like that that’s just too much.

the worst part is is how peaceful the time my sister was evicted was, it gave me a taste of freedom and having it taken away is worse

at this point yeah I’ve pretty much given up

on a random note, apparently my cousin was also at court (he’s on my father’s side so I don’t know him since I cut off all contact with my father’s side of the family), apparently he video taped himself getting drunk and acting like an idiot and having sex with his girlfriend while she was passed out drunk and so she got a PFA and yeahhhhh this is why I cut off contact with my father’s side of the family

in other news though

my friends had a BBQ today and it was nice, like ten people and everyone one I knew (one I didn’t but she left before I arrived anyway, and one guy was a store clerk who sold me a GBA, Metroid Prime, and I think the SNES/Kirby Dream Course funnily enough), got to see people I haven’t seen in a long time and five of the people including me all play ACNL and it was wonderful (and then my battery died whoops).

I ended up eating a burger patty and there were smores I didn’t eat but I ate a few marshmallows (heavenly food I haven’t eaten in yeaarrrsss) and everyone gave me the leftover pieces of chocolate and I think I ate like two candy bars worth of hershey chocolate and feel a bit sick but at the same time it was kinda worth it

they also brought up suggestions of amusement parks and I realize there might be mini golf and I am completely up for mini golf I have not played since I was a kid and I am ready to relive that part of my life and fail miserably at it if we ever do it

[nyrator]

godddddd I’m ready to flip

apparently my sister’s boyfriend stole my old laptop so I’ve been trying to get it back for the past two days

and apparently the boyfriend is now in jail again (apparently with a six digit bail?) and it’s not in my sister’s room, and my sister was supposed to go to drug rehab today and thus would be gone for four weeks

so trying to ask my mother to ask my sister where it is is like pulling teeth, like I’m laying it on my mother how important that laptop is to me (it still has a bunch of stuff on it, like old artwork, you may’s early files, pictures of a best friend who committed suicide, and other things) and she’s like “whatever” and “I’ll just buy you a new laptop” and trying to explain to her that that is not the point

so I’m pretty much yelling at my mother at this point that I want this laptop back before my sister leaves because she knows where it is

finally my mother talks to my sister and eventually tells me “we’re getting it at 11:30 tonight” and that’s all she’ll say to me

so they go out to take her to rehab and of course no one wants her so they came back just now

and so I’m listening in to my mother and my sister talking and apparently he sold the laptop for 80 dollars and so I am very very disgusted

she’s still telling me 11:30, my sister keeps doing her usual lying “oh, he sold it for 80 dollars-” my mother looks upset “oh, no he sold it as a cover so the guy’s girlfriend wouldn’t think he’s spending money on drugs-” I come in “oh, so he gave it to this guy to put in an anti-virus in it”

it’s like

god I can’t stand this life why can’t I escape it, why am I so intimidated to apply for Section 8 housing and find an apartment (and the only apartments are duplexes so sharing a house with other people is bluh to me)

and I’m trying to explain to my mother why I want these two kicked out and she tells me “well you shouldn’t have let him touch it in the first place” and I’m dsfskj about it because he shouldn’t be living here in the first place (and I’m a sucker who can’t stand to hear his whining about how he needs to find a job so I just let him borrow the laptop to apply for one before a fight broke out and then never saw it again)

god I feel sorry for posting these in public all the time but I need a place to vent instead of bottling it up and I hate speaking one-on-one with people about it and forcing it on them