#nyx.personal

[nyxtickled]

when the elopement ceremony is traditional but yall are relationship anarchists so @exene666 gives u a saucy wink when you vow to “forsake all others, being faithful to only her” LMFAOOODsjdkdjdk 💀 oh my fuck i love this woman 🫠

[nyxtickled]

hello loves. i will be getting my new videos out to those who cashapped me and haven’t received links yet ASAP - apologies for the delay. we are about to take fawkes to the ER; it’s looking like her fight might be coming to an end. love you all so dearly for keeping up and making it possible for us to get as much extra time as we have with her. i’ll keep you pupdated. <3

[nyxtickled]

took the baby girl to her favorite spot one last time to let any of her friends come by and see her if they wanted, since she’s having such a hard time right now and we don’t know which day will be her last. the turnout was so much more than we expected and my heart is bursting and breaking at the same time. i am so happy she was able to see just how loved she is by soooo many damn people. she’s a special girl.

now we’re resting up at home, getting ready to do her clay & ink paw prints and nose print when she wakes up from her lil nap—something that we were able to get for her thanks to @xcelsior24 and every person who chose to help make it possible 🥺 you all mean more to me, @exene666 and our lil Fawkesy Girl than we could ever properly express. thank you.

[nyxtickled]

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!! ok so i can’t let myself get too excited because i know this does not mean that the cancer is gone forever, i know that her prognosis is based on the type of cancer and the probability of relapse, i know her cancer is still a very aggressive lymphatic T-cell type and she still has 5 more months of chemo to go. but…

fawkes is technically in remission 😭

her chest x-rays today showed that the mass was “resolved,” her energy levels are thru the roof, her personality is back, and she’s just my crazy corgi baby again and today, right now, in this one singular moment, i am fucking celebrating 🥹

we could not have fucking gotten here without everyone who has supported us. thank u. so much. i fucking love u all for loving my baby thru this with me. one day at a time ❤️‍🩹

[nyxtickled]

pupdate below (cw: cancer, heavy feelings. feel free to skip)

this week has been a hard one. Fawkes had a brief period where her two new tumors got significantly smaller after the first dose of her rescue med, but it only lasted through the first week.

during the second week, the lump in her neck came back, and a few new ones cropped up in her little piggy armpits again. this led her care team to suggest a different medication route once more. so, yesterday she got an oral dose, and she’s starting an antibiotic just in case her WBC drops again.

her hypercalcemia is back on the rise as well, so she’s on the steroid for another week. although it’s clearly not helping with the tumor growth anymore, it will hopefully stabilize her Ca+ levels.

and, of course, she was diagnosed with being a shining star 😭 (every single week they send her home with a new sweet diagnosis at the end - she’s been diagnosed a treasure, an angel, precious, etc and it is legitimately too cute for me to handle hahahahaha).

i mean, honestly? her energy/personality is all there. i’m happy, overall, and grateful because she’s happy. she’s bringing me her toys all the time, she wants to play, she’s eating, drinking. she’s cuddling with me nonstop - everywhere i go, she wants to go. and i know she doesn’t know she has cancer, so i’m trying not to be sad around her, and i’m focusing on the fact that she clearly still feels bright and strong.

personally i’ve only ever experienced loss as a sudden, unanticipated blow. i am all too familiar with the shock of your reality being ripped from the ground at the root without warning or preparation. i have not, however, experienced the slow burn of loving something as hard and fast as you can while racing the clock to the promise of an untimely end. this is a new one. it’s very challenging. it’s given me a lot to think about. i’ll save that pondering for the sideblog tho lol.

anyway - we love you all, and as usual i told her that she has hundreds of little freaks in my phone cheering her on. she’s still fighting and her mothers are giving her more love than you could ever imagine <3

[nyxtickled]

what you are looking at right now is the face of someone who just got a cheesy patty out of mommy’s mcdouble because mommy couldn’t find the plain puppy patty she ordered, except then when mommy opened a nugget box that she thought was mac sauce, she found the puppy patty. so naturally. fawkes got that one too.

[nyxtickled]

story time: a couple years ago i visited my mom back home and she was going thru some of her old boxes of things and i laid eyes on this insane ring that has literally every single quality of my fantasy ring (solitaire, round, flawless, heart and arrow cut, moissanite bc fuck diamonds, etc) and i was like what the FUCK is that mom??? and she was like lmao that was my ring from [second marriage] you don’t remember that? and i’m like no??? i mean i was like. 5-10 yrs old so i didn’t pay any mind back then. but i’m still like UHHHHH??? this is fucking GORGEOUS i can’t believe i never noticed it before omg omg this is everything i drool over when i look at rings !!!

so. she was like. “well i was going to leave it for you in my will but idk why i have to die before i can give you stuff so go ahead take it.” ????!!!??!??!?!

and funnier story: i was still engaged to my ex at the time, while dating my current wife as well (polyamory obvi). and my ex fiancée got pissed at me when she saw me wearing it and was like “uh where’s the ring i got for you” and i was like well it’s on my other hand right now but i just got excited.. and then she didn’t talk to me for like a day bc she said it was insulting to her lmao. i talked to exene after that and she was like “baby im not trying to speak ill of your partner but that’s a little ridiculous. i would be so excited to see you with your dream ring. the whole point is for you to have the ring you love the most. it’s not supposed to be about my ego.”

from that point i had to wear my moms ring on my right hand to keep my ex from being upset. until we broke up.

i immediately started wearing my moms ring on my left hand and decided i was engaged to myself. no more promising myself to anyone but me. mind you i was still dating exene, but neither of us even liked the institution of marriage. she was the one who encouraged me to keep it on my left hand and put myself first. we had no desire to get married, especially not after i’d finally set myself free from the daunting prospect of an unfulfilling lifetime with someone whose relationship with me felt like it was held together by sunk cost fallacy alone.

anyway, it just feels a little symbolic to have eventually married her with this ring. she doesn’t care where it came from. she only cares how i feel about it. she’s always wanted me to have and pursue whatever makes me happiest. and she’s never inserted her own ego into those pursuits. i’ll never understand how i got this lucky. thanks universe <3

[nyxtickled]

i’ve seen a few people do musician monday and figured what better time to contribute, now that i finally have a keyboard to play on? (honorable mention: lil belly pouch hehe)

warning: i am not a proper musician so don’t come for my finger positions!!!! i know they’re wrong. i knowwww my pinky just kinda floats there bc i never learned the right hand positions. if u wanna learn more about my piano history, read below the cut<3

i’ve always had a fixation with the piano, since elementary school. the first time i played around with one, i was probably about 6-7 when i had a basic little electric keyboard. didn’t do anything fancy, but i was an only child so i used to just listen to my favorite CDs and then try to play the songs. the first song i taught myself was 1000 years by vanessa carlton lmao.

i never really got into lessons and idk why. i don’t know how to read sheet music, i don’t remember what the notes are called, i don’t know what any of the chords or keys are called. playing a piano is more of a puzzle-solving game for me, where i listen to songs that i find beautiful (usually they don’t even have piano in them, just pretty melodies/harmonies) and then i try to find the matching sounds on the piano.

it takes me anywhere from days to weeks to months, depending on how ambitious of a song i’m trying to cover (the wildest one i ever did was Its Not A Fashion Statement It’s A Fucking Deathwish by MCR lmaooo i swear it actually sounds so pretty on the piano tho) and it’s something that i’ll basically just sit there and hyperfixate on until ive worked the whole thing out. ofc that comes with memorizing it too, so usually i can kinda sorta play the song, but i have to practice it a million times until i can play it all the way thru.

i would love to learn how to play the piano like a Real Musician and like, read music and know what everything is called etc. it’s on my bucket list. but there’s just something so fun and peaceful and meditative about just sitting there and sorting it out by ear, it kinda feels like solving a rubik’s cube in a way.

anyway this is just me trying to remember how to play part of a song called severus and stone by radical face. it’s prolly my favorite song of all time bc of the story it tells and the artist himself but i ain’t getting into all that rn. the section of the song i pulled this part from goes like this:

brother woke just after midnight, and he didn’t make a sound. but as he climbed from out of bed with severed rings around his head, his feet didn’t touch the ground- i could feel it then, a tiny miracle, so i followed him into the woods. crossed beneath the trees, but only i left my prints in tow; he was afloat. found a lonely tree, tied himself within its limbs, and he said to me these words: “don’t you fear for me, for i am where i’m supposed to be.”