#observerseries

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series: a mental note to self

Recently been updating my Observer Series and looking thru some old notes i nvr posted.

Since school and the world has shifted online, people-observing has become a lot harder. I think because with zoom, everyone can see their own faces so they’re a lot more conscious of themselves and what theyre doing in the camera. But another reason i think there’s less interaction is cos everyones distracting themselves with other things on their screens and the conversations we have can’t be focused and pointed so ppl arent aware of who’s talking/facing them.

This has got me thinking about how we can be more expressive with each other. Or more focused interaction. If we’re going to live with this for some time i want to figure out how to change it to resemble the old normal or to keep ppl connected. I also can‘t let my Observer Series just die like this lol. Making a note so i can see how we’ll change in the future.

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

I love moments of hearing something a stranger mutters under their breath or to the general public but sometimes no one reacts or maybe they didn’t hear them. I always turn and let them know that i heard them and give them a reaction. Its like a nice moment of connection just btwn the two of us; a secret btwn strangers that disappears as soon as we part.

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

This semester when i walk to this one class, i take a route that cuts thru a small apartment complex. The complex has a smol playground and usually when i pass by theres moms playing with their kids or pushing strollers around. Since it’s so close to campus, I thought they could be wives of husbands who were grad students or ph.d students. Or maybe they themselves were students.

It reminded me of when my family lived in california and when my dad was studying for his masters at Stanford. My mom told me she used to take me to their campus to go find my dad and we would always wait for him to finish classes. I was old enough to walk but for some reason i had a hard time with stairs. So when we went up the steps i would always have to hype myself up saying “迈过去，迈过去” (“step over it, step over it”) as i walked up each step.

I didn’t know at the time but those were really rough but happy years for our family. Seeing these families in that apartment complex made me wonder what story they will end up telling their kids in 5, 10 years? Will they look back on their years of studying in frustration or will they feel accomplished and proud of how far they’ve come? Will they reminisce like i do thinking of how simple and joyful these moments were?

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

I ride the subway almost everyday and for very long periods of time.

The train ride can be all the more interesting depending on the conductor who’s calling out the stops the whole ride. Yesterday i didnt notice until after a few stops but the conductor of the train was rapping out the stations. Calling out the simple phrase “this train is the pelham bay. Next stop hunts point clear out the way.” Or something like that.

I started laughing out loud and the woman next time me was cracking up as well. We ended up talking about how refreshing this guy was and how maybe he was a frustrated musician. Whoever he was, he had made our day.

[atmnjoo]

Two of my students got into a smol water bottle incident the other day.

The water had spilled everywhere and we were in the middle of class trying to explain the lesson of the day. Seeing no paper towels, I grabbed a bunch of tissues and handed it to the boy telling him to wipe himself off at least. He scoffed and looked at me saying “yeah like that’s going to help.” I could feel my face flush with embarrassment (and feeling slightly mocked??) I simply replied “i was only trying to help you.” The student immediately looked very regretful that he had responded in such a way that he said “i’m sorry, i really appreciate it, thank you.”

As class ended and the students all filed out, he came up to me again to apologize saying “im really sorry, it actually meant a lot. I dont know why i said that but i really appreciate you trying to help me.”

My heart softened hearing his apology again. By him coming to me to apologize twice made me see my students in a different light. They’re truly kids. They’re barely beginning to understand who they are as a person and learning how to properly interact with others. They will say and do things that they don’t actually mean or intend negatively and the thing is, sometimes they don’t know why they do some of the things they do. I’m glad that day I didn’t respond with something sassy in return to his bcos who knows what he wouldve thought of teachers in the future? How much respect would he have lost knowing that adults don’t handle problems any different than kids do?

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

The other day i saw a man get on a train, then shortly after, a couple stops later, a girl gets on the train and then i realize the two were a couple. It was cute how they must’ve planned to get on at different stops but the same train. They got off together of course.

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

One night when it was raining, i saw a boy handing a bag full of bread to a homeless man living on an abandoned step. The man was thanking him, trying to show him how grateful he was for all the bread but the boy looked like he didnt want to be thanked and ran off quickly holding his skateboard. I ended up walking the same way as him and he just looked so free spirited— running every now and then, switching btwn cruising along his skateboard and sliding across the rain covered road. i was smiling so hard bc i was this proud stranger who knew the good deed that he did. That day my heart softened a lot more for this city. I nvr liked the ppl bcos it was too messy to know them. The how in finding themselves on these streets, the why in living their life in this state, the what for what do you do about it? My heart was so tired of trying to know them that for some time i refused to acknowledge them for fear of them creeping into my heart and tugging at my feelings. Fear of being exhausted of my emotions. But nowadays my heart pangs when i see even one person being ignored. Im still not good at acting upon how i feel but im getting there. I feel myself growing up.

[atmnjoo]

The Observer Series

I notice a lot of details. Throughout my day I see a lot of things that no one else notices and to me it feels like treasure hunting and the prize is the joy I feel. It almost makes it feel like I’m in a one-person movie theater where the camera pans or zooms in on a certain scene, when in reality its just cos I notice the small details in my surroundings.

- Sitting at the back of the classroom is a powerful position. You see everything the teacher sees— and more. You see every computer’s screen, who’s doing online shopping, who’s messaging their friends, who’s got their phone out under the desk. The kid in front of me picks off a piece of lint from the shoulder of the girl in front of him and looks caringly at her. The guy near the window takes a puff of something from his pocket when the professors not looking, breathes out the smoke and starts answering questions like he’s not high.