OCAF | Ch. 16 "Right-hand man"
𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: read the masterlist first, additional notes at the end of the chapter
𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: Two troublesome adults trying to figure out how to properly communicate and work together. A lot of talking. Long chapter. Suggestion for a drink game: take a shot every time Levi tells Daphne to go back to sleep lol
𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐬: “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards” by Tame Impala, “Beautiful Crime” by Tamer, “I Love You, But I Need Another Year” by Liza Anne.
LEVI’S POV
“Where? If I’m allowed to ask, Captain.”
“The Underground.”
Daphne's eyes aimed at my lips obsessively. Her dark pupils frantically ran from one side of my mouth to the other, as if wondering where that word had come from. Have I really just said the Underground?
Her voice dropped to a whisper when she told me when she told me “Levi, please, don't joke with me…”
“Do I look like someone who wants to joke?” I remarked, but she still looked quite disoriented. Apparently, I needed to explain myself a bit better.
“Erwin gave me more days off to fully recover. As we speak, hundreds of citizens are descending into the Underground due to the breach. The situation must be kept under control. And we'll go on patrol…” I paused for a few seconds, trying to read her expression, “ And see what's going on with your sisters.”
Her head slightly tilted back as a tiny gasp left her mouth.
“What?? But-but wouldn't it be better if I went to help Eren and-?” she babbled.
“Are you by any chance a titan-shifter? Do you secretly possess the hardening technique, perhaps?” I thundered.
She just pouted in response and lowered her gaze.
“Yeah, exactly. Therefore, you are absolutely useless right now. Only Eren can close the breach.”
“But-”
“Are you Eren Yeager? The professional fifteen-years-old pain in the ass?”
“No, fuck, I get it! But-” Daphne tried to object.
“Say another but and I'll let you rot down here, understood?”
After all, I guess I’m always the same: a coldhearted, messy captain who really has no half-measures.
My threat seemed to have had quite the right opposite effect I had hoped for just looking at the way her lips immediately curled into a shy smile. Two tiny dimples shaped at the sides of the mouth and her nose slightly wrinkled.
I couldn’t stand that face much longer and when I opened my mouth to speak again, my voice got unexpectedly softer. “However, it’s up to you. If you want to go and knit a net for the breach or just cheer for the kid, go. You’re still in time. Otherwise-”
“No.” Daphne firmly said, looking at me now straight in the eyes. “I want to stay with you. I mean, come with you. To the Underground .”
Then, she averted her gaze. “So, are we really going back?”. Her voice sounded so innocent, so helpless, like a little girl who could finally have her damn ice cream after dinner.
I nodded in response, without getting lost in further explanations.
Her mouth puckered and then opened in a twitchy “Thanks, Levi”. My chest suddenly tightened and all I could do was sigh and nod again, wordlessly.
A coldhearted, messy captain.
“There’s a cot in that cell, now sleep,” I ordered her, tilting my head in the direction of that tiny old room, right next to the priest’s. She immediately took a quick look at the cell, then eyed me again. She didn’t seem pleased, nor irritated, but her expression had definitely changed in a matter of seconds.
“Isn’t it funny, Levi? It’s been a while, but… Things haven’t changed at all. You still don’t trust me, do you?”
Yeah, it really felt like we were only going backward. No matter how hard I was trying not to perceive her as that night’s thief anymore, it still felt like nothing had really changed.
“It seems like you already know the answer to that question… ” I told her.
“Yeah, for the record it’s called rhetorical question …” she pointed out, walking towards the cell only to come out of it a second later, armed with a chair and an unmovable decision.
Daphne positioned herself right in front of the priest’s cell, next to the chair from which I was supposed to keep an eye on both of them. Once seated, she crossed her arms and legs and started bumping her foot on that old pavement in anticipation. I knew what she was up to.
What a brat.
“You’re going to fall asleep anyways,” I said as I took my position next to her, “Stop it already and go-”
“I’m not tired,” Daphne argued. A stubborn brat, as always, I thought.
“So, what’s the plan, Captain?”
“Drop the Captain .” I hissed.
“Alrighty, Levi … Listen, if I have to be your right-hand man or whatever you wanna call it, I need some more information, don’t you think? Otherwise, I really don’t know how to help you.”
“I’m going to explain everything you need to know tomorrow.” I cut off the conversation. I could sense her eyes rolling without even looking at her. The sigh she made in response got on my nerves beyond belief.
“Always so impatient I see…” I remarked, “Don’t worry, we have plenty of time to discuss the plan,” Then I added, low and deadly, “ And everything else that needs to be discussed between us. ”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about…” her voice trembled.
“Did you really think you could get away with that a million reasons why crap without a proper explanation?”
At that point, I guessed she had figured what I was referring to. I wasn’t still over her little tantrum in my office a few days before. I needed to know more.
After a quick moment of pure fear, she came back with another of her unrequested snarky comments: “Being so persistent doesn’t suit your age and title, Captain. Give up on that already. That was all I had to tell you.”
“We’ll see about that,” I promptly replied, “You should know by now that I always have my ways to get what I want.”
I could distinctly hear her gulp at the sound of my little tease.
“Anyways, I’ve told you we’ll go back to the Underground. Therefore, we’ll go back. Full stop.”
“It’s just that I don’t understand why!” Her voice suddenly rose, “Why are you helping me at this point? Just why! Don’t you hate me? You don’t even trust me, then how can you bring me back there-”
I didn’t give her the chance to finish that sentence properly when I turned in her direction, halting her just with my dangerous proximity.
“You’re right, I don’t trust you.” I hissed, “In fact, the only thing you need to know and get into that head of yours, for now, is this. So pay attention,” Her eyes widened, “You have already betrayed my trust. Twice . I dare you to try it a third time and see what happens, Daphne .”
That sounded like a threat. Indeed it was. But also, an outright lie. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her. I just didn’t trust her bad decisions. I still had faith in her.
At the sound of my words, her expression got unexpectedly darker, her nostrils wide, her mouth just a thin line.
“Then, why the fuck are you trying to help me?” she spoke through her teeth, staring back at me, furiously.
“Because I want to. Is that so hard for that shitty brain of yours to understand?”
No half measures .
She stared at me, wordlessly, for a moment. Maybe she was digesting my words, or maybe just thinking about what to say next. Then, her shoulders relaxed and her head rocked from side to side, snickering. A slow, smug grin found her lips.
“Always so aggressive, so defensive , Levi…” she teasingly spoke, “I preferred when you were nice to me.” and then crossed her legs and looked away.
Me too , I thought, but all I could say was “If you behave,”
“Suuure, Captain. I’m at your orders,” a hint of sarcasm painted her tone. “But let me ask you this, since it seems like around the Survey Corps everything has its but , its price… What’s yours? What’s the catch here?”
“I’ve already told you that I just want to help you. It’s as simple as that.” I stated, my voice firm. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see her submissively nod in response. But still, why was that so hard for her to get?
I might have gone way too far with my mind, but at that point, a thought occurred to me. A candid, yet legitimate one. It actually was that hard for Daphne to get that someone wanted to simply help her without asking her for anything back. Her body, her time, or even just a little favor. Most likely, that thought was what had truly remained hidden behind that smart mouth of hers.
“This has nothing to do with what happened between us,” I clarified, “Do whatever you want with that memory. I just want to be of help. No but , no price, nothing like that… I do have a request , though.”
She snorted. “Yeah, yeah, I know, you don’t have to tell me. No running away, no funny business, no-”
“ That goes without saying ,” my voice dropped down into another slight severe threat. “My only request is… Don’t have any expectations about it. About your sisters, about what you’ll see down there. You still don’t know what’s going on, so whatever that is… Don’t let it affect you.”
Her face was still facing the wall before us, but I could vividly picture her expression at that moment. Soon after, a small nod signaled to me she had understood my words. Or at least, I hoped so. Then, there was just silence.
Hours dragged on quite easily in that stillness, and with time Daphne’s eyelids started to slowly fall down. If it wasn’t for her pride, she would have fallen asleep even earlier. And eventually, she did. Her head fell forward and her neck soon followed, arching unnaturally in the same direction.
Without even looking at her, I used my hand to guide her head on my shoulder, so that she could sleep in a less weird position. I did it without thinking about it too much. Naturally. As soon as her body found mine, Daphne unconsciously adjusted herself on my shoulder, brushing her head against my jacket, looping her arm around mine.
“Hey brat, I’m not a pillow, you know,” I was about to say, but something just told me to shut the fuck up for once.
Her hand grasped the fabric around my forearm, pushing herself a little closer to me. The rest of her body followed as she molded against me. Her proximity was as risky as it sounds. I should have woken her, I should have done something… But I decided to indulge myself that little moment. The priest was sound asleep and the night was my accomplice. Nobody had to know.
I just kept looking forward, unmoving, in silence.
That was until something humid drew my attention back on her after a while of me completely spacing out. She was literally drooling on my shoulder. Tch .
I tilted my head forward and started to blot that bit of saliva from the corner of her mouth while she seemed to be still lost in her dreams. If that were anyone else, I would have just been grossed out. Apparently that time I wasn’t, not even in the slightest, not even close. The scene just made me internally laugh. She just looked so… How do I put this… Ad-NEVER MIND.
That light touch on her lips seemed to disturb her sleep and a low grumble escaped her.
“You were drooling…” I whispered, my hand still ghosting beside her mouth.
At the sound of my voice, Daphne brandished the most childish smile I’ve ever witnessed in my entire life. She giggled, still half asleep, and then completely caught me off guard when her head moved upwards, enough for our cheeks to brush one against the other. The contact made my knees weak, my mind spin, my pride almost crumble.
“You won. ‘Night.” She clumsily worded, just an inch away from my ear, enough to warm up my sensitive skin with her hot breath, enough to make my skin crawl.
She lifted herself up from the chair, wobbling with her feet from side to side, our bodies still connected as she leant against me for support. On her way up, her lips unintentionally brushed the outline of my cheekbone, sending shivers down my spine. I chewed my cheek as hard as I could and just watched her walk away and then lie down on the cot.
Sleep has never come easily for me, let alone that night.
When the morning finally came, first I arranged our departure, then woke both the priest and Daphne, and together we left the district in a short time. Inside the carriage that was bringing us back to Trost, the air was thick with disquiet and frustration. As for me, I already knew what kind of fuckeries I was about to face once at the military barracks. In addition to that, I couldn’t sleep a wink because of Daphne, and her impatient fidgeting didn’t seem to lessen during the trip. Seated next to me, she kept looking outside the carriage, drumming her feet on the floor, and sighing from time to time.
On the other hand, I couldn’t help but wonder if another interrogation would have made that damn priest open that filthy mouth of his. During the whole time, he looked like a mad man, his eyes opened wide, his forehead tense, his hands shaking on top of his knees.
I still don’t know who looked less insane among us three.
Anyways, I know I’m not one to talk about manners, but when we arrived at Trost, the military’s welcome was way worse than I expected. Unpleasant, to use a euphemism. Irritating, to be a bit more realistic.
Shortly after our arrival, we were received by the head of that district, a commander whose name was and still is among the least of my concerns. For the sake of simplicity, I’m going to refer to him as “Shitty Commander”.
So, once in front of Shitty Commander’s desk, inside his obnoxiously big office, two of his guards approached our little trio and tried to take the priest away. I instantly reacted.
“That wasn’t part of our deal.”
“First off, I made a deal with Commander Smith, not with you , Captain Levi. Second, our barrack, our rules.” Shitty Commander said as the men exited the room dragging the priest away. “Don’t get all worked up, Captain, we’re going to take good care of him.”
Yeah, sure. The idea alone of leaving the priest in those assholes’ hands made my blood boil, but we didn’t have any other alternative. Pastor Nick didn’t want to talk, therefore the jail was his only option.
“Whatever. Can we leave now?” I asked, not even trying to hide how annoyed I was.
“Not so fast. C’mon, you’ve just arrived, Captain,” Shitty Commander mischievously told me, “You can’t leave just now. This kind of situation requires some bureaucracy, you know that, right? Also, I’d like to confer with you…”
“I already see a bunch of lazybones here that could make themselves of some use,” my bad temper spoke on my behalf, “You have enough hands to sign those papers.”
“Mind your words, Captain,” I heard the voice of a police officer coming from the left, but I couldn’t care less.
“Don’t make this even harder than it already is, okay? First, that soldier behind you must leave,” Shitty Commander demanded, way too arrogantly for my liking. “This conversation is strictly confidential.”
“She’s my second-in-command,” I sternly declared, “Whatever you have to tell me, she stays.”
“She must leave.”
“What part of she stays was unclear? The she or the stays ?” I snapped.
“How dare you-” that soldier on my left tried to speak again.
Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I had seen a hand move forward, right in my direction, but nothing ever came. My reflexes weren’t fast enough to catch that, but apparently, someone’s were. Daphne, who had been silently witnessing the whole conversation from behind my back, had already made her move before I could even realize it.
Her arm instinctively stretched forward and stopped that soldier from coming any closer to me. Her hold was now strongly tightened around that officer's wrist, his hand an inch away from my arm, his feet fidgeting, poorly trying to advance.
“You bitch, let go-” he tried to protest and that was enough for me to stop that situation from getting any worse. We had already lost too much time for my liking.
I slightly rotated my head in Daphne’s direction, giving her a quick understanding look. Her eyes were now fixed on the officer, silently fighting his words back, burning a hole in his face just with her fiery gaze. Then, lowering her hand and moving it away from that filthy officer, I took her out of that room with me, dragging her by the wrist.
“Oi, careful, my wrist, ouch-” she complained as we rushed out the door. Once in the hallway, I immediately let go of her.
“Listen, let’s just give them what they want. I think I can handle a bunch of stupid questions about Erwin and our last failed mission,” I started to say as she fixed her jacket, “In the meantime, go and see if you can find where they have brought that damn priest. Try downstairs. If they ask you something, tell them you’re following my direct orders. I’ll come and find you as soon as I’m done here…”
She only nodded and then silently turned her heels.
“Be careful…” I told her before going back inside Shitty Commander’s office.
“You too.” I heard her say from a distance.
In the afternoon, hours and hours later, I was freed by those assholes and I finally had time to join Daphne. When I found her in the barrack’s jail - as I expected - , the scene I witnessed was priceless. She was standing still in front of the priest’s cell, arms crossed, jaw locked, forehead furrowed, completely absorbed in a staring contest with a police officer right before her. Priceless. It almost made me laugh.
As soon as she sensed my presence, Daphne left her opponent and simply joined me outside. Walking down the hallways, we updated each other about the past few hours. We almost looked like two perfect allies.
I was previously authorized by the Shitty Commander to use their offices and documentation for my - well, our - personal research. I knew they had the information we needed for our little mission in the Underground. But before we could reach the room we were heading to, Daphne halted right in the middle of that corridor.
“What is it now?” I asked her, visibly annoyed, and I turned around to face her. She stayed silent, completely still as she stared at someone on the other side of the courtyard.
“Nothing…” She spoke after a while, “I thought I saw someone I know… But that’s not possible. That’s not possible, right?”
My head tilted. “Someone you know? Here?” I asked, walking close to her.
“Nevermind, I probably got confused-” She murmured as she tried to step forward.
“Tell me where to look,” I ordered, positioning myself right in front of her body and preventing her from moving any further.
She looked rather reluctant at first but eventually neared and closed the gap between us. Then, Daphne grabbed me by the collar and pretended to fix the ascot around my neck as her fingers gently ran between the fabric and my skin.
In that tiny space between us, she started to slowly guide my gaze with her words, whispering, “The opposite side of the courtyard. The group of officers. The man on the right. Tall. Broad shoulders. Grizzled hair and a deep scar on his jaw.”
In all fairness, that little set-up was rather distracting, but I tried to stay focused and analyze the scene behind her shoulder. “I don’t think I know him,” I murmured, “Never seen him before. But I know the man on his left. A douchebag.”
“I don’t know, Levi, he just looks so familiar… A scar like that is hard to forget,” she said, quite concerned, “But that’s impossible, right?”
“Maybe just an officer who used to patrol the Underground?” I suggested.
“I know their faces like the palm of my hand… But I don’t know, maybe… ” she shook her head, “Yeah, I’m probably mistaken, let’s-let’s just forget about it for now,”
“Wait-” I tried to stop her, but she quickly pulled me by the collar and murmured a centimeter away from my mouth, “I said forget it, Levi.”
I peered down at her, my eyes automatically fell on her lips, and she noticed it. We were so damn close, but, as always, that wasn’t the right place, nor the right time.
Daphne cleared her throat and patted my chest, signaling me she was done with the ascot. I nodded in response and guided her with my hand on the small of her back as we turned around the corner.
I took a quick mental note of that. She could have been mistaken, sure, but she could have also been right and simply not able to connect the dots on the spot. Officers, especially the ones from Trost, were always involved in some twisted shit - only the heavens know what.
Once finally inside an abandoned, moldy office, we started to leaf through maps and documents and set up our agenda for the next few days. Daphne looked at all that stuff as if she had just found a sacred treasure. Her Holy Grail. As we were both scanning the Underground’s map, another thought hit me. If she only had had that type of documentation earlier, she could have done so much more to help her family.
“So, this is the spot where you jumped to last time…” I started to say, giving her a quick angry look.
“Yeah, my bad…” She murmured, anxiously rubbing her nape.
“Anyways,” I moved my index over the map, traveling through the path we had followed last time again. “Here is the brothel. And over there…” I traced my finger on the right, just a few streets away from the mansion, “This is where we’re going to stay for the next few days.”
A big, invisible, question mark appeared all over Daphne’s face.
“I’ve already sent a letter to an old friend of mine. If he’s still alive, everything will be settled by our arrival. It’s just a hovel, really, but more than enough for our needs. It’s the place where I used to live with Farlan and Isabel… I guessed wherever you used to stay wasn’t safe for us given that we’re trying to go undercover, not to catch any attention, stuff like that.”
“Makes sense…” Daphne mumbled, then clicked her tongue and looked up at me, “You really thought this through, didn’t you?”
“Just had a lot of free time recently.” I replied, averting my gaze.
“Yeah, sure… Listen, again, I really appreciate this I-just-want-to-help-you thing, but let’s get one thing straight. I know I’m not in the position to talk, but just know that I want to have a word in this. I won’t let you boss me around or take decisions by yourself, Levi. We are in this together, ok? Cooperation? Teamwork? Do these words sound familiar to you?”
“Don’t push your luck, girl.”
She slightly rolled her eyes and right when her gaze found the map again, something unknown glittered in her eyes.
“Hey, quick question, when did you leave the Underground exactly?”
“Mmh… I wouldn’t say a decade, but definitely a while ago. Five, six years ago. I think I lost track of time… Why?” I asked her out of curiosity.
“No, it’s just that…” She seemed to ponder her answer for a few seconds, then pointed at the map and said, “Look. Look how close we used to live… Are you sure you have never seen me before?”
“I think I would remember a girl like you.” My quick response took her by surprise and a little reddish fog suddenly painted her cheeks.
“Emh, I-I mean… I was literally t-there,” she stuttered, “Are you sure you’ve never come to the brothel? Or even close? I promise I won’t judge-”
“No.” I don’t really like where this conversation is going…
“Not even for a bet? Not even a friend-” she asked again, but I immediately interrupted her.
“I’m not very fond of brothels.” I stated with control.
“Yeah… You don’t seem like that type actually. At least, you got morals… ” Daphne said almost whispering. There I couldn’t help but confess.
“No, because I was born in a brothel.”
Here we go , I thought.
“What…” she hissed between her teeth.
“My…” I took a deep breath, “My mum used to work in a brothel. We… I….” I was about to add something else, not even sure about what to say exactly. Luckily for me, at that point, someone burst into the room.
“Captain Levi, here you are. Premier Zachary has just arrived. He’s asking for you. I need you to come with me, sir.” The soldier said, with a tone I didn’t quite like. And yet I had just been saved from the only conversation I had been avoiding having with Daphne since the very beginning.
I sighed and rapidly glanced at her as I walked towards the door. Her face was still facing down on the map, still processing my words, stiff and silent. Just a moment before closing the door, I told her:
“Gather the maps and… Just wait. Please.”
Please .
DAPHNE’S POV
I don’t know how much time had passed, I was just there, thinking, completely spacing out as my gaze and my thoughts wandered through the alleys drawn on the map. At some point, I collected the documents and exited the room, almost unconsciously. Then, I leaned my back against the door and just waited. I waited there.
After a while, a pair of dark boots appeared next to mine and a soothing voice called out for me. Levi . He didn’t say much more and simply beckoned me to follow him. We walked upstairs and right in front of a door, the Captain drew a pair of keys out of his pocket and suspiciously opened it.
Behind it, a small, shabby room appeared. The atmosphere was screaming “austerity” with its dark-wooden floor and those bare walls. There was barely enough space for the furniture: only two cots, a meter or so away from one another, and a night table right underneath an old, wrecked window. Nothing more, nothing less.
It really looks like a cell… Wait . What the fuck is happening? Is this my cell? Is he for real now??
I rapidly glanced at him. I was this close to snapping, but before I could say something Levi turned and moved his eyes around the room with a disgusted look.
“They told me this or the prison downstairs with that damn priest,” He said, interrupting my rambling thoughts. “ Tch . I guess beggars can’t be choosers… ”
“Oh…” So, that’s not my cell, I thought as we stepped in. It’s our cell.
Levi plopped himself down on one of the two beds, sighed deeply, and threw me a blanket that was folded next to him. I caught it on the fly as he spoke again:
“Those pricks made us lose way enough time today. Let’s just sleep and wake up early tomorrow. Please, don’t be a pain in the ass and just obey this time, alright? Will you do this for me?”
I instinctively pouted at his command and murmured as I suited myself on my bed: “ You are a pain in the ass.”
“Excuse me, what??”
“Sleep tight, Captain.” I cut off the conversation, ironically.
He didn’t argue, completely worn out by that long, exhausting day. I guessed appeasing all sides, compromising, trying to be as tactful as possible, all the while dealing with those assholes, wasn’t the ideal type of day for Levi. But still, as soon as I rested my head on that old pillow, I knew that was going to be just another long, restless night.
It didn’t pass long until a haunting thought suddenly occurred to me. We were there, alone, in that almost pitch black. Us two, alone. And I couldn’t seem to sleep a wink.
“Because I was born in a brothel”, “I was born in a brothel”, “I was born”, “In a brothel”
I was so tired and shocked I couldn’t even bring myself to ask him anything directly. I was just there thinking and thinking, twisting and turning in that tiny blanket.
And right when I thought I was sound asleep, a couple of hours later probably, I started to hear strange noises coming from Levi’s bed. After a while, all those tiny moans and laments rose dramatically into a final, long, agonizing scream and my body instinctively moved in his direction, reaching his bed in a matter of seconds. The cry was so gruff he sounded literally in pain.
I couldn’t see much but as soon as I positioned myself beside him, I sensed his body quite close to mine. Closer than expected. He was sitting on the bed, panting, and as soon as he felt me, he immediately grabbed me. His hug was tight and desperate, his fingers were piercing my shirt as they sank, skewered the fabric, his forehead pressed against my shoulder, his breath labored.
I called out his name, low and gingerly, but it took a while before he finally came back to his senses.
“Levi, are you okay?”
He was still panting uncontrollably when he held me even closer at the sound of my voice. His skin felt burning hot. I could even feel the sweat dampening his clothes.
“Levi, can you hear me?” I asked him, “Hey, what’s going on?”
A couple of other deep breaths, then his grip eventually loosened. His head slightly moved away from my shoulder, but his breath felt still so close when I heard him say, his voice hoarse from shouting: “Go back to sleep.”
“Hey. No. C’mon Levi. What happened?”
His thick swallow vibrated in the small space between us.
“Just a nightmare, go back to your bed.” he grunted.
There was a moment of silence. I wasn’t sure which was the right way to approach him at that moment. So, I only got closer, my tone as gentle as possible, as if I didn’t want to disturb him: “Okay… Do you want me to go get you a glass of water? Something to-”
“No.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Levi,”
Silence.
“It will make you feel better… Was it that scary?”
“It was just a nightmare. I said go to sleep.” he harshly added as he squeezed my hand on top of the mattress, trapping it inside his. From the grasp, I could tell he was still shivering.
But again, the silence between us boomed in the room and all I could do was ponder what to do, or whether to even say anything else. Should I leave him alone or stay? The answer came quick, unexpectedly natural. If there was anything clear for me at that point was that, whether he liked it or not, I would have stayed by his side. None of his threats or insults would have made me step back.
“And what happened in this nightmare?”
Silence.
“Someone died.”
“Someone you care for?” I whispered.
“Yes.” The saddest yes I had ever heard.
“You saw them dying or-”
“She was already dead.”
“ She … ”
“I thought that was my mum,” he confessed, his voice gruff, “I was in her room, like the day I found her dead.” he paused. “I thought it was just a memory.” another pause. “But this time there was someone else in her place.”
One of my hands was still trapped in his tight hold when I brought the other one over his, gently rubbing his skin as I figured what to say next. He didn’t protest, didn’t flinch.
“You know, dreams are just… Confused elaboration of our subconscious. Messages, mixed memories, or simply images,” I started to say and his thumb on my wrist started to move in sync with my little massage. At that point I didn’t know anymore who was comforting whom.
“Maybe your subconscious is just trying to tell you something about that person you dreamt of. How you feel about… Her.” his thumb halted, and so did my hand.
What if that person was…
I tried to change the subject at the sudden realization.
“Anyways, Miss Martha once told me that if you dream of someone's death, you give them five additional years of life. This person must be very lucky…”
Silence, again.
“Hey, don’t worry about it. It was just a dream, Levi, okay?”
He just hummed.
“How are you feeling now?” I asked him, trying to find his face in that pitch black. Just a vague, dark outline of a head, a couple of centimeters away from me.
“Better. Now, go back to sleep, please .”
“If you need anything, I’m right there. You just have to ask, alright?”. There was so much I wanted to add and I could feel my thoughts rushing up against my tongue, but my mouth instinctively closed. I needed not to repeat my past errors, I needed to draw a line and never cross it again.
“Thanks… ” his voice trembled.
That word was enough to encourage me to go back and sleep. But there another question suddenly rose in my mind.
“Hey Levi, one last thing…”
“Yeah?”
“Are we… Are we good?” My voice small.
“Otherwise why would I be helping you, dumbass?” He was definitely back to his senses.
“Right, right…” I quickly replied, almost laughing.
Until that specific moment my brain didn’t seem to fully grasp that reality. Going back to the Underground wasn’t an easy task for Levi, for anyone who had been lucky enough to get out of it. Still, he had decided to help me, to ask Erwin who knows what kind of favor and to get himself involved in all that shit again. Just for me. And yet, I kept making everything even harder for him.
I felt guilty. I felt so many things and I needed to say something.
“Speaking of which, Levi… I am sincerely grateful for what you’re doing for me. I really am…” A sharp sigh interrupted me. I was once again dancing on that thin line I had drawn in my mind. I was dangerously on its limit.
The pitch dark of the room, the proximity, the intimacy of that tiny room seemed to make me unexpectedly braver, more candid, ultimately vulnerable.
“I don’t want to argue anymore. I promise I won’t complain or make things harder for you. I won’t run away, I promise. I won’t mess things up this time, I promise. I-”
At that point, I had completely lost control over my words. My foot started to swing on the other side of that imaginary line, never landing on the ground, and yet I could already feel the void beneath it, the vertigo knotting my stomach.
“I just want to be by your side, Levi. Please, don’t push me away…”
The vertigo.
“I… I just want us to get along. That’s all. Can we do that?”
“If that’s what you want…” Levi finally replied.
“So, we good?”
I probably sounded way too naive, way too impulsive. The same old emotional girl that from time to time got on his nerves.
All of a sudden, Levi’s hand reached out and found my hair. As he playfully, yet gently stroked my head, he murmured: “Yeah, we good, don’t worry,”
His fingers slowly moved down and pushed a loose strand of my hair away behind my ear, as his lips silently lended close by. “Please, do as I told you and go back to sleep. I’m not thinking straight right now…”
When the light fog of his words settled on my earlobe, my mouth instinctively opened, shivering in anticipation as his name shaped through her teeth. His lips lingered over my neck for a while, his breath heating my skin as his hand ran down my arm.
I swallowed thickly, my eyes unfocused somewhere in the dark… Then, I heard him chuckle. When I realized what was going on, I snapped at him: “Do you think that’s funny?”
“What? You are allowed to mess with me whenever you want and I’m not, huh?”
“That’s- I don’t-” I tried to object.
“You’ve been messing with me from the very first day we met. Tell me, do you really want to deny it?”
“Well, you didn’t seem to despise it either.” I teased him back.
“Never said that, dear .” Levi whispered, lightly patting on my shoulder as if he was dismissing me. So, I simply obeyed and made my way back to the bed.
After a while of just lying in silence and staring at that dark ceiling, I called his name in the dark.
“Levi?”
“Yeah?”
“What was your mum’s name?”
He took his time before actually answering me, then sweetly whispered a name. His voice had never sounded as tender as that.
“Kuchel…”
“ Kuchel … That’s a lovely name.”
I kept that name in my mouth for a while, trying to guess her features. I imagined her as charming and magnetic as Levi. I thought I could see her in my mind: her dark hair and piercing eyes, high and sharp cheekbones, a mesmerizing aura.
“...And what was she like?” I dared to ask again. He didn’t seem to complain about that additional question, but again, he made me wait for his reply.
“Selfless. Indeed selfless. Way too selfless.” Levi said, his words sounded bitter this time.
“...And caring. A kind soul,” His tone softened.
“...And beautiful.”
“I bet she was…” I was only able to say. And Levi didn’t add anything else.
“I’m a woman of my word, so… Goodnight, Levi.”
“Night, Daphne.”
Now, we are good. Kinda.
𝐀/𝐍:
Hi readers! Finally, I’m back (but not better lol)! Honestly, I still haven’t had enough time to correct the previous chapters, but I wanted to make something clear. From now on, I’m going to use they/them pronouns for Hange (and I’ll change them in the previous chapters as well). If you want to know more about it, I can suggest a couple of official sources or threads on twitter and tumblr where this topic is better clarified. I know Isayama prefered to not specified their gender, that an editor said that “it’s up to the reader/watcher”, I know that the anime mostly chose female pronouns but also made some “ambiguous” choices in terms of honorifics, I know that enby ppl strictly using they/them is just a stereotype (they can also use and accept he/they/she), I know this is just a fanfiction, I know they are fictional characters, I know, I know. However. I think they/them pronouns simply better represent the character. I hope it's all clear, if not lmk. Hope you’re all good and safe, until next time, Laurelle.
