#occasionally-pale-king

[occasionally-pale-king]

Yo. Have 20 pounds of sharp cheddar cheese. No you can't say no. God bye

[ A box is dropped onto the ground, an audible THUD shaking the air and startling the Pale King.

He turns to the box, which is significantly larger than he is. “This seems excessive,” he mutters, looking up at what could easily become a home for so many bugs, if he still had any under his thrall. ]

And you’re quite sure I can’t decline?

[occasionally-pale-king]

Best wishes to you! Have you been to Dirtmouth yet? the place is a lot more alive than it was before. (also hope that you and your wife will get to enjoy the Mario movie when it comes out)

[ “I have not been outside since before my kingdom fell to ruin;

Even then, rarely did I have cause to travel so far as Dirtmouth.” ]

And now, I am trapped in a memory; a ghost of what once was. I fear I shall not be able to visit that quaint province ever again, outside of some twist of fate even I could not foresee.

He lowers his voice to a whisper, after a moment.

And… I am afraid I do not know of any ‘Mario Movie’.

[occasionally-pale-king]

Is there a way for you to check in on the world that doesn't involve you actually going there? Like, a crystal ball or some godly sight?

[ “My prescience was limited, even before.” ]

I only had the ability to see what would affect me, when I was a Wyrm; the scope of it shrank when I adopted the form of the bugs.

And again, when I died, my vision shrank in scope; I cannot see beyond the memory of the castle, now.

So, no, I cannot scry the happenings of Dirtmouth. I would if I were able.

[occasionally-pale-king]

I want to hand you lemon juice do you like it 🥺

[ “hm. sour.” ]

You watch as his entire face puckers, momentarily, before he regains his composure.

[occasionally-pale-king]

Yay, you're back! love you king

[ “Thank you.” He is smiling, insofar as he can smile. ]

It is nice to know that even now, there are still subjects who remember my name.

[occasionally-pale-king]

Before the... incident. Did you and The White Lady ever consider having any children?

[ “I mean I think we did have children.” The wyrm thinks about it for a second, adding; “many, even.” ]

“I believe that was a quite significant thing that did, in fact, happen.”

[occasionally-pale-king]

Alright, here’s my next question.

From the gates of the palace to the throne room, how many buzzsaws are involved in the security?

Without your wings, and without deactivating any, how many would you need to go through?

[ “None at all.” He wags his hands, as though to appease someone. ]

[ “Watch this.” He is standing directly in front of a buzz-saw. Which he turns and runs into with a ‘thunk’ that barely registers above the whine.

You’re pretty sure you also heard him mutter ‘shit’ just before turning into a cloud of SOUL. ]

[ Glimbuscorp said:

*Climbs through the path of pain and observes from a distance* The fools,thinking they have to do that when they could just fold themselves like paper. Isnt that what you do? Just stand and fold yourself to get past the blades? ]

Hm. Yes. Something like that.

You can see the cloud of SOUL start to drift off. Perhaps he will reform in the entry of the castle, or maybe the kitchen. It’s only been about a year since he did anything, and even in this unaging place, sometimes he desires a little fictitious snack to enjoy.

[occasionally-pale-king]

Rephrasing my previous question: how many buzzsaws do you need to weave through to get a glass of water?

[[ “None.” 

You can see the buzzsaws behind him, echoing through otherwise silent castle walls at a high-pitched whine. ]]

To drive the point home, he sips the water, wearing the same smug expression. Who’s weaving through buzzsaws?