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I want a new tattoo out of all of this. I think I deserve a new tattoo

I need a handler

I detest anyone trying to tell me what to do or have any control over my life.

But fuck I need a handler.

Need to not have a full time job. But also, quite frankly, terrible at domestic chores and hate feeling useless.

I would like to not be exhausted all the time, but still be stuck in this nebulous grey area of Disabled Enough To Feel It but not enough to warrant assistance or even a proper fucking diagnosis. ("Well your blood works normal 🤪")

This is going here because the last time I had the audacity to complain about it, our best friend (who should fucking know better) just went on about how they've felt so much better since trying to eat/sleep better and actively exercising more, (Genuinely, good for them, however) and maybe I should try that.

Like, yes ok I'm not going to deny that improving certain habits would make us feel better, mostly the sleeping.

But also, no I'm not getting up half an hour earlier than I need to so I cook an actual breakfast. Never fucking in my life has that happened and it's not about to start now.(Which is exactly what we said, only to get a terse/snippy "ok" back) And our worst dietary habits are, more or less, confined to during work hours. We do actually eat pretty healthy at home.

But also, I resent getting "sure Jan'd" when we attempted to explain that no, we do drink water and go outside and at least move around when not at work (had the fucking audacity to say we had a sedintary lifestyle. No, I just don't have 3+ social engagements a week. That's not sedintary that's just having a low social battery) even when we are literally not doing anything at home we aren't sitting down, or even standing still.

Like, the audacity to think you have any idea what happens, if you aren't around and I don't tell you. But this is also the same friend that constantly makes assumptions about people, and constantly acts like they know better than everyone or are in any place to give advice on fucking anything (they have their own place, but they would not be able to afford it if their parents weren't paying what they can't cover, and now also paying off their student loans. Which, again genuinely, is awesome for them. But it is also a completely different situation than I'm in ) and is generally under the impression that people don't like them because "uwu they're just soooooo weird" and not because they treat everyone like an intellectual inferior (never got over the "well at least I'm smarter than everyone else" defense mechanism that a lot of weird neurodivergent kids develop. The problem is we are nearly fucking 40 and almost exclusively hang out with other weird neurodivergents. No one gives a shit you've watched more Classic Who than modern or have been reading LOTR since you were 4, they care you act like a dick)

Also, I'm pretty sure simply improving diet and exercise is not going to fix the fact that our blood pressure is routinely in the low 90s/ low 60s.

When we are on stimulant medication, drink quite a bit of caffeine, don't skimp on salt or butter, smoke, are work a stressful as hell job. Ya know, all the things that are supposed to RAISE blood pressure.

And, granted I haven't been monitoring since we started the Vyvanse, prior to the ADHD meds our BP was just steadily getting lower and lower (have always ran low, but at least I used to be up in the low 100s/70s) to the point when we do have episodes of sudden BP drop, it involves nearly blacking out/falling, pins and needles everywhere, ringing in my ears and total loss of motor control over my arm. I have had people ask if I was having a fucking seizure.

Yeah, some cardio might help with that, but it doesn't magically cure it (and when my mom and my sister-who is currently 7 months pregnant- also tell me they read really low?)

Like, good for you that a couple bouts with COVID and Pancreatitis motivated you to be more health conscious.

Please back the fuck off me, you aren't helping.

Not to be that guy, but one of us works in Health Care and one of us works in Food Service. If I want medical advice and resources I can, in fact, get those quickly and directly myself.

And, logically, I know part of this is the capitalist hellhole we live in, and another is that the burnout rate in healthcare is really high and I'm coming up on the later end of average for when people need to leave.

But also, clearly a fucking medical issue.

IDK where I was even going with this, but it's getting posted here because aforementioned friend does use Tumblr and is on our main, and I'd love to talk to them about this kind of shit but it is literally fucking impossible without them making it all about them and their hurt feelings or whatever.

#Also guess what happened a week and a half early as I was fucking typing this #Also like generally in system we don't have roles or holders of anything or any of that stuff #But if anyone is holding anything I've got the anxiety #Note from other me: I told you you needed better friends #Is there a dx for “Terminally incapable of not getting involved in some manner with emotionally volatile blondes with a superiority complex #Off topic text

Oh. Uh oh. That's a realization that'll make things complicated 🙃

#off topic text #That might be a thing that's a deal breaker

Apparently actually just in a rancid mood today and really feeling the "It's spring and therefore time to be kinda manic and blow up your life" impulses.

Putting that thought down hoping that'll make it easier to ignore.

#off topic text #Fucking kind of off topic because it's all very On Brand #Compounding issues of period happening and making ADHD meds less effective. Work burnout (despite the slower pace we've had)#General chronic fatigue. Multiple tasks piling up at home several of which can't just Be Done. And quite frankly our partner pissing us off #I do not know how much clearer I can communicate “this is not a rejection I just feel like shit and need you to not be at Stage 5 Clingy”#And that “I left you alone all day” doesn't count when that's only because you were busy and only seem to desperately want my attention #When it's convenient for you or when I'm not feeling well #Also “period makes me feel like I'm having half a psychotic break and/or fighting impulse to relapse into bad habits” is probably not norma #And by rejection I mean his brain immediately goes to paranoia about cheating which he will play off as a joke #But sure does voice it Everytime #Like I haven't been here for 15 years

I guess this shit just goes here.

Somehow, being the calm emotionally mature one in the family group chat—because my mom is being kind petty and emotional over a precievwd alight, my one sister is ready to pop pregnant with #3 and hirmonal, and my youngest sister is just kind of a rancid bitch (and 24)—and going from a paragraph of "calm down we're all adults ect etc" to "Abby what you said at the party was inappropriate and you need to apologize" and "Mom why haven't you made your doctor's appointment yet"

Watch me end this whole thing with some entirely backhanded "Reasonable, responsible adult" schtick

#off topic text #I know I'm the oldest but fuck come on #I might have just realized how I could low key annoy the ever living shit out of all them for the rest of our lives