This is the 4th Father's Day, I am spending without my Daddi-o. The last one when he was still alive was back in 2017. I called him when I was in the Army to wish him a Happy Father's Day. Months later after leaving the Army to go live with him, he passed away in Nov. on his birthday.
I have been dreading this day because once again it reminds me of what I don't have on earth anymore. I can't spend this day with him. I can't go up to him anymore to give him a hug and a kiss. I can't call him up just to hear his voice. God! What I wouldn't give to be able to hug and kiss him again and to have him do it back to me. I'd even allow him to sing to me just once any song he'd desire and Lord knows the man can't sing worth a damn, but I wouldn't even care because I miss him so much. It hurts to hear the endearment, baby girl because that is what he always called me. I'd give my soul away just to hear the words, I love you and I am so proud of you, baby girl from him just one more time.
It is going to be 3 years since he passed in Nov. and my heart still hurts just like it did when he passed away right before my very eyes in his house that early morning hour on his birthday. I knew he was going to die. He had home hospice care during the little less than the last two months of me living with him and there were times where he barely ate anything at all and then one day, I just had a feeling when he didn't eat anything at all that day. He also seemed so much slower in his actions and weaker.
About an hour before he passed, I told him that I love him very much. I have always loved him even when I said I hated him like I tended to do as a kid and a teen a lot especially. I told him that I was so very sorry for saying those words and that I was so sorry for the things I did to make raising me as a single dad so hard. If there was a way to do so, I'd take all that hurt I caused him over the years all back in a heartbeat. I now understand that the things he did even when it irritated the living shit out of me simply because I just didn't understand why was because he loved me and that all he ever wanted for me was to be a happy and confident person. I thanked him for that and so much more. If he needs to go, that it is ok. I'll miss him like crazy, but I'll be ok. I know that he is scared especially to leave me by myself, but it will all be ok. I'm a much stronger person than I have ever been before and I have him to thank for that. I'll try my absolute hardest to be the person he always wished for me to be and to be the best person that I can be everyday. I know he'll always be with me just like Grandma Jones. I wished for him to have the happiest birthday in the world and to please give Grandma Jones and everyone of our loved ones a hug from me in Heaven. Bye for now if God is merciful enough for me to be with you again.
*Sighs* I still have his ashes. They're in a box I was given by the funeral home. They're in my room at my mom's house still. Hopefully, after all this drama with my father's will and my absolute cunt of an ex-step mom is done and over with, I can go to North Carolina and spread his ashes on his mom's grave site one day. I just want all of it to be done and over with so I can actually move on with my life and so I can lay him to rest. He deserves it.
Happy Father's Day y'all! I wish this for not only my own Daddi-o and the other dads in heaven, but to every father or father like person. I truly hope that it is a great day for you! Thank you for all you do for the people in your lives.
