Steve hasn’t ever really dealt with loss well, but with Billy it is a whole different experience. At first it was shock. He could not believe that Billy Hargrove-- the boy who seemed unstoppable-- was dead. It took seeing him in a casket to finally realize it was true. Then it devolved into anger. He was so fucking angry for the longest time that Billy sacrificed himself like that. That he would be so careless to think that he could stop the monsters on his own. Then the anger just devolves into some weird in between emotion. He’s not sad, but he fucking misses Billy. He sleeps with that stupid shirt that he stole every night….buys a bottle of Billy’s cologne and sprays it with it every often so he doesn’t forget what Billy smells like. Some days are harder than others. He’ll hear a song on the radio or ride out to the quarry and all he can think about is Billy. All he can ever think about is that they were finally going to make it out of Hawkins and go visit California together in the fall. And maybe that’s what hurts Steve the most. Thinking about all the what if’s. Wondering about their future together. He visits Billy a lot too. He likes to go late at night when no one else is bumbling around Hawkins to give a shit and he just sits there. Sometimes he’ll tell Billy what’s going on, but most of the time he just sits there. Staring at Billy’s name, hoping that through some miracle that the name will change and he’ll wake up in his room with Billy sitting on the edge of his bed smoking a cigarette and being an asshole. A lot of the time he just wishes he could’ve done more to help Billy. To save him.
My muse is dead. Tell me how yours is dealing with it. @imbullshit