#ohthezoomanity

[ohthezoomanity]

How to Win Friends and Survive a Nuclear Winter

New York was out in rare form yesterday! Temps soared around 65 °F here, and everyone was romping through the parks and soaking up the long-awaited sun. Today's going to be in the fifties in Jersey City, with rain starting in the afternoon.

Tomorrow at 9 AM? 22°F, FEELS LIKE 6°F. 

hahhahahahhahahhaha oh god.

Tomorrow when we walk to the subway or wait for the bus, I suggest that we all channel our inner Extremophile! ex·trem·o·phile (noun \ik-ˈstrē-mə-ˌfī(-ə)l\ "an organism that lives under extreme environmental conditions"

Having a hard time picking your favorite Extremophile? Allow me to introduce you to one of the hardiest creatures on the planet: the lovable Tardigrade!

The Tardigrade can be frozen, boiled, dried out, and irradiated. They look at nature and say, "Bring it on, Mama! Is that all you got?" They can survive in a vacuum. They can survive without water. You can also call them "Water Bears" or "Moss Piglets." Basically, they're the coolest species in school.

These microscopic rock stars are only about .05 MM fully-grown, and like to hang out near lichen and moss. Look at this little friend cuddling up to a dinner the size of his whole body! 

I think that part of the Tardigrade's ultimate survival status is his solid positive self-image. He knows what you're thinking. He just doesn't care, because he knows that you're going to step outside tomorrow, cussing in the cold, while he vacations in temperatures up to −458°F. That's one degree above absolute zero, my friends. He's all, "the cold never bothered me anyway."

Hats off to you, my little Moss Piglet! Keep the memory of this tough little fella close at hand tomorrow, and probably also break out those hand-warmer packets that your grandma gave you for Christmas. We can't all be Tardigrades, but at least we can be prepared!

SERIOUSLY IT'S IN THE FIFTIES RIGHT NOW AND IT'S GOING TO FEEL LIKE SIX DEGREES TOMORROW YOU'VE BEEN WARNED TRI-STATE AREA

Extra-special present: here's an adorable music video about Tardigrades! 

[ohthezoomanity]

What does the fox say? "I'M FREAKIN ADORABLE."

I know, you guys. This whole "below-freezing" thing in November is complete flapdoodle. I can tell from my early-morning FB feed that people are going to be in a grump-o-tastic mood today, so I call upon a beast that takes the cold in stride. ( Arctic Fox enters, laughing)

The Arctic Fox don't pay the cold no nevermind!  When the temps start dropping, her fur turns white so she can slink along the tundra and pounce on her dinner undetected. When food gets scarce, does she complain? Does she whine about not having Seamless to bring her some warm seal blubber on a snowy night? Naw, she gets all crafty and follows around polar bears to dine on their fine leftovers.  Sly!

In the wild, the Arctic Fox only lives about three years, so she doesn't have time to post complainy status updates about the weather. She just does her thing, and she does it with a fluffy wuvvums face!

Today, as I leave home, I too will change my coat for the season. Wrapped in my big silver puffy astronaut parka, I will behold nothing but a sea of Arctic Foxes. We will roam the land together, accepting the cold as part of life, heading to our underground tunnels to travel and hunt. And together we will say "Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding" to the chill in the air. Happy Wednesday, friends! Be foxy.

[ohthezoomanity]

What if the world was full of tiny monkeys

I think that the only way I can get through the day without punching someone in the face is if everyone turns into a PYGMY MARMOSET.

The PATH train, replete with sick passengers and ten minute delays, will morph majestically into an Amazonian rain forest, and these iPhone-sized wuvvum lumps will soar from tree to tree! They will chitter charmingly at me and I will not mind when they leap drunkenly across the tracks on a bet. They're not douchebags; they are Pygmy Marmosets! They're born to jump and frolic!

The crowds on the platform will be five-Marmoset-deep, but we won't mind. We'll all drink sap together as the Pygmy Marmosets reminisce about grooming each other with their tongues on the Peruvian flood plains, and marking their territories with their suprapubic areas. It's just like Hoboken St Patrick's day!!  ONLY FURRIER AND TINY AND WAY WAY CUTER.

O, tiny monkeys, I call on you. Surround my heart and keep me from harm as I dodge foot-stomping catalog models and pole-leaning men with manicures. Scramble all over me and form a tiny monkey armor to guard me from the idiots I will encounter. And curl gently around my fingers to remind me not to cut a bitch. 

[ohthezoomanity]

Cold blood, warm heart.

Oh, hello Thursday. You took me by surprise! Once again I find myself needing to brace against the hordes of Jersey girls who don't wear hats even though it's 28 degrees out, and bro's who have an 'unlimited cut and style' package at the Hoboken Man salon (no really). What could make these entitled straphangers endearing? Turning them into Desert Rain Frogs, of course!

These little amphibians have taken teh internets by STORM, and of course I wish to be among them today.  Oh, nature's squeaky toy may LOOK like a bully; that stance, the slitted eyes, they all say "bring it on, world!!"  but what he ACTUALLY says sounds more like my cat when she's angry:

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The little frogs' joyous cry will ring through the train as one holds the door for me!  "MEEEEEEEEEEE!" they will bellow daintily, as I step over their Desert Rain Frog briefcases and rolling bags that must be full of Important Desert Rain Frog documents and such. I don't mind that I nearly fall over them;  they're just little Rain Frogs! They couldn't possibly lift those important, heavy bags up out of my way as I exit.

OOOOooooohhh their gleeful 'squee's will ring out jubilantly as we all pinball off of one another when the train makes a sudden violent stop for no reason! I won't even feel the pain in my dislocated shoulder, because I'll be involved in an impromptu Laughter Yoga class with my fellow Froggies! Goodness, the only thing that could make this commute better would be a guest appearance by Lew Zealand.  

Sound your Barbaric Yawp, Namaqua Rain Frog!  Your war cry is mighty and your squinty eyes are so cute. I salute you. Here is is squee for all to enjoy.  

[ohthezoomanity]

Love is messy, pigs are clean

On this day that stirs up some extreme emotions in people, I summon two  paint-spattered piglets! Today, these sows of many colors will ride on the train with me, and remind me that Valentine's day is really about someone that you can get covered in gook with, still come out looking cute, and then pose for a picture with so you never forget how messy you were. These little pork chops think I am T-E-R-R-I-F-I-C! The bacon sea will part as I board the PATH train, and they will say "Salutations!" When I say "sorry guys, I'm just going to scoot past you to the middle there where there's all that room," they will snort their little piggy snorts and snuffle at me good-naturedly. Thanks, little fluorescent piglets. I know you're normally really clean, so I appreciate you taking one for the team. With you, I will navigate this February 14th with a smile on my face.  

Painted Piggies!!

[ohthezoomanity]

Yeah, I'm a Sifaka. And what?

Ah, it's Friday. No better time than a chilly friday to ride the train with an animal who looks as silly as they do snuggly. Today's commuter critter is...a Sifaka! Oh you silly, silly lemurs, how you dance! As I run to catch the doors to the train before they close in my face, you do cartwheels and gallop up to meet me in a bizarre karate stance, and hold the door for me! How gallant. Then we settle down, and I spend the whole ride giggling about how enormously ridiculous you look. Oh, how we will do our lemur jig when I politely ask you to move so I may exit the train! I will revel at the softness of your fur when I squeeze by those of you who are just too involved in your lemur dance to move out of my way.  The Sifaka! As requested by Carrie Bridgman, a lady who knows her animals.

[ohthezoomanity]

I look like this in the morning anyway

Today we're switching it up on the commute. Today, I will be the critter. Today I will be a SUGAR GLIDER! I will spread my arms and legs and soar over everyone, and slay everyone with my cuteness!! People will marvel at my typically nocturnal lifestyle and my vegetarian diet, but mostly at my commuter skillz. 

[ohthezoomanity]

Closest thing to a Luck Dragon

Friday can only mean one thing: FENNEC FOX FRIDAY!!! Today, when I am standing on the platform at Journal Square, I won't get angry when a fennec fox with a GIANT BACKPACK pushes by me and a pregnant lady to get a seat first. Fennec Foxes just want to play! The pregant lady and i will exchange knowing smiles, and I will take a deep breath and read the second book of Game of Thrones while Fennec Foxes cavort all around me. FRIDAY.