#ojune

[coastischanging]

today i found out that i'm allergic to the antidepressant/antianxiety thing i was put on (briefly, before i stopped taking and had to go to the er)

and: more positively:

won 2 tickets to Atmosphere on friday!!

[coastischanging]

because i'm unwilling to hear that "it was a panic attack" from people who think they know what happened

it's insensitive, it wasn't a panic attack, and for anyone who wants to know the details, i'm writing it down... so i don't have to carry it in my memory, so i don't carry the anger i have toward the care that wasn't given, so i don't have to hear about the panic attack i wasn't having.

plain and simple: i needed a spine realignment so i could breathe right/function/(where was the testosterone going?? if not in my blood, where was it going?? i need answers and doc doesnt know.) it's taken march 24th to now, may 31st, to be able to:

breathe without clicking

move my upper body without pain/particularly turning my head to the right

wiggle my left hand

drink water with my left hand

lay flat on my back

wiggle my left toes

inhale through nose and smell again

--

i consider the fact that i am regaining range of motion a gift. everything that's on the backburner is ready to get out. no doubt it will, just gotta get to 100%rom.

June will be great.

[coastischanging]

random skate shop dude calls me HE

in NORFOLK VIRGINIA

and then you turn around and refer to me as her to him

GREAT thx

i almost had a perfect moment

but then...

its over, i'm just sore about it.

[coastischanging]

tmrw i leave for VA! 

i'm pretty pumped:

1.) seeing fam! 

2.) seeing q sing!

3.) seeing MAXINE <3 <3 <3 been a weird time w.o him

4.) BEACH time :)

[coastischanging]

the new space i have to figure out

before i didn’t consider my own gender, and now i’m literally a teenage boy being so ridiculous and messing up —-> and that has huge implications if i don’t acknowledge the things that i’m doing and steer away while i can. that’s potentially dangerous. (although i like to believe my potential is connected to making life better for a lot of folks- (i hope!))

because i’m not that person & i’m completely functional in that way (of understanding what’s happening when i inject testosterone.)

i have this new thing in my body that I’m not used to yet…

it makes me feel like i’ve always wanted

i’ve had a huge shift in perspective

and a huge 

but yes, i’m not part of women’s spaces anymore.

if they don't want me there, i'm gone. period. that's absolute.

---

thankfully,

i have a history— past life experience, 

but the space i inhabited before is somebody else’s space now & i have to respect that.

—-

but the greatest thing is,

i’m listening

and i have people around me (who i trust & who will tell me i’m being a douche.)

i’m doing my best to vet myself, but i’m stupid right now

and basically i need a lot of activity.

so i’m trying to convert that into my writing

and into the big music ideas i have.

and into some great parties. 

(we’ll see---> $$$)

the thing that gives me the most pleasure is getting people on stage when they have a passion.

oh my god

i don't even care if i get to do my music, if i got the opportunity to put the artists i see on a major platform....

shit, it'd be a done deal. don't even have to pitch to me, it's done.

—-

i think it’s a great thing i’m going on tour this summer, & i’m pumped to support someone-- Greg McKillop, and his band, Speaker For The Dead, and all the effort he puts into the music scene. It's other-worldly. It just is. I can't do what he does, and I'll never be able to. It's special & really important to support the genius art we've got.

He's got it, genius, but he's also got that thing where he's listening.

I'm discerning because that's just how I have to be. It's how I am.

When i consider friendships, it's like: 

okay, does this person listen?

do then listen to themselves?

do they set boundaries to keep themselves where they need & want to be?

will they recognize when they messed up and never do it again

are they willing to take themselves out of the picture if they discover they are ultimately more harmful than they ever knew? and can't control it?

well, that's accountability. 

That's a big thing I like in my community. Friends are family, to me. I don't want to spend time with you if you're going to be a complete douche. All cool, as long as respect is there, and we trust each other enough to be like: 

fucking hell, wtf, shut the fuck up & get the fuck out.

yeah i'm gonna listen. because you know more than me now, probably.

yeah, that's weird, but I have to recognize that or else i'm like every other man.

and i'm not/ i've seen this shit and felt this shit and been through some- not all- not at all what female-assigned people go through. holy shit i don't know how any of you do that.

how strong you have to be

you have to be absolutely solid in who you are

because you're constantly battling, even if you're going to work. (should be a safe place but it's not, often.)

i think that's incredible. 

i have only a tiny idea of what that is like---

no comparison to having to deal with bullshit day in, day out

just to get by

that's incredible.

women are amazing, need to be listened to.

that's the bottom line.

i'm arrogant. i'm confident, and as i move along in this transition, that increases. but if i'm ever TAKING SPACE or VOICE or anything that causes a woman-identified person to be like: wtf no

no.

unacceptable. you're out,

i'm out, goodbye.

i will remove myself, no question. 

---

back to tour: i’m not gonna go if my body isn’t ready

(my mind’s in it, now.)

but my body’s in recovery from major trauma right now

and i can be an arrogant asshole all i want with myself about myself but when my body gives out

i’m not here anymore

that’s just it—- 

i do love myself

and when i was younger, i threw that out. (blame society-- eating disorder forever)

but fuck no, i didn’t forget what respect is about

and i respect myself.

and i respect you.

no i have to reteach myself with counsel from folks i trust and respect, & who i listen to.

—-

and i mean, i’m getting to the point where i don’t understand things like i used to 

i can’t do that anymore.

at least, i will not have that particular woman-specific shitty experience day to day.

i have a different system now.

that’s great for me, personally....

but if i can’t get my shit together and respect everyone i consider family in my life…. ?

i mean, i’ll have to remove myself from their lives, there’s no question.

if it gets to that point, i’m out. (it’s what's right.)

but, woohoo, it won’t get there and i’m fiercely listening and being the observer, 

which is natural for me (quiet confidence).

i have to learn how to shut the fuck up

because, i mean, that’s great, i have bad shit. 

so does everyone.

but i can’t be putting that on people when i have no scope of what it’s like to be them.

when you stop listening.... no good

that’s the issue (obvi. not related to abusive relationships. stop listening. real good.)

—-

um anyway, so thank something that i have a group of super solid folks who i trust around me

who i can ask questions to 

and be like: you know more than me, i know this is messed up, but i don’t know why, do you?

and then they’ll be like: it’s this, obviously

and i’ll be like: you’re totally right and i can’t believe i would miss that.

—-

idk

being emotionally available and not aloof (the aloofness which i got from somewhere/ wonder where/ ahem patriarchy, AKA The Devil's work)

is the goal, and i think i’ve got it— it’s there

i just need help & stuff

to figure out how to get me from punk ass me

to me.

---

i’m respectful as fuck.

i’ve know that shit was not okay since first encountering it

it’s not hard

it’s listening to yourself & knowing how much words hurt.

it’s called listening to others because there are other experiences and i don’t know everything. 

and yeah, a lot of people know a lot more than me.

i will never know everything.

but that’s why education & history & healthcare & music & visual art & concerts & having internet access etc; and universal access to those things... that knowledge, that power is so important....

.... these things are what a healthy culture has

and we don’t value any of them.

which makes me believe that our culture does not value a huge portion of its people.

stop catering to white cis men. stop catering to men. 

they’re oftentimes basic and stupid and toxic and i’m not joking. 

oftentimes they wont get it/ or can’t get it. (there are exceptions always, yes, yes, yes, but that's not the point, stfu)

…men's inability to process the different and chronic traumatic  experience that is dealing with our bullshit... it's a huge shame.

learn your shit. get it right. be accountable for yourself. please for the love of god.

I’m not stupid. I don’t think I have a low intelligence. I think I have a pretty high intelligence, especially intuitively. But I’m stupid right now, sometimes i don’t have a filter when i should. sometimes i’m wrong. I'm just wrong and unwilling to see that until i have space from it. fortunately, now i know this, and i have advice from really smart friends who say:

oliver i’m gonna kick your ass if you dont call me back.

and i fly off and go because i feel like i’ve been cooped for 21 years

and they talk to me and i try to shut up but i cant and we talk more

and they’re like: i’m just gonna ride this out. i’m gonna be honest with you, and it’s not condescension: you’re just like a teenage boy. you’re basically clinically insane.

so there’s my check. 

i know i have to have huge checks in place to be like:

whoa yeah that’s not cool 

what the hell were you thinking, no

and I listen. So it’s important to keep that because I feel like I’m going through a huge change, but unfortunately, I wasn’t taught how to express it, and now i have to figure that out if i want to be within my own community. 

that is,

functioning in a respectful and passionate manner.

---

i was talking with heartwrench about this, and we were talking about walking down the street. prime example, if you want to observe the inequities in our society. like, people, let's talk about women, here-- men just take up as much fucking space as they fucking want and it's not okay. it's dangerous. move to the other side of the street, you asshole. day or night, jfc, you're scary right now--- idc who you are. how "nice" you think you are.. you're scary. just by being a man on a street. you don't know how scary it is to walk by someone who could hurt you. Especially when it's never out of the question. You have no concept of this, on this level. So stop being a fucking baby and listen. you're absolutely wrong jfc listen and change when someone tells you you've been acting inappropriately.

space is important.

and you have to intentionally give it, you know, if you're a man, if you're a good person, if you respect people in a way that would cause me to respect you-- you have to listen. there's not a choice, here, with the pervasive and toxic society we do have. (and if you try to deny that, you're wrong. anything you say after that is bullshit.) 

women's spaces are for women. 

you need to know and respect that.

it's crucial.

you want to respect women? 

GTFO & STFU

end of story. i hope you go hope & cry about it because i don't actually care. you've got everything set for you if you're a man.

it is literally LESS SCARY TO TAKE UP SPACE WHEN THE WORLD VALIDATES YOU CONSTANTLY FOR EVERY STUPID THING YOU DO

you know? like, it's SO MUCH EASIER when the world doesn't constantly write off your perfectly valid (i'm not the judge, but), perfectly amazing and valid expression of yourself as

"oh she's crazy" or "oh she's a bitch" or "oh she's a slut"

what the fuck kind of person are you? really? what the fuck do you know? nothing. that's right, and it's so pleasurable to tell men to shut the fuck up. hell yeah. 

and sometimes men need to hear that they're fucking up.

and yeah, i wholly support being like: you're an idiot. stop being so arrogant. go punch something. get that shit out in a manner that is functional. be a human being. care about someone. care about yourself. (and i realize there are other factors, and that money is a major stressor, and that working all the time, being in a shitty kitchen environment isn't good-- there's a lot that goes on there. a lot of bullshit- and it's bad. i identify as transmasculine, but what that means is that i don't identify as a woman. that makes kitchen work, for me, mentally, a bit easier.)

i've had experiences, being female assigned at birth, and awful shitty, aka the regular treatment from bullshit boys. 

and that's all they were. bullshit boys. so the point i was trying to get to was this: i don't even remember

goddammit

this is so frustrating. give me a few years. i gotta convert this and stay focused and idk. these next three years are probably going to be the most productive of my life. i would like them very much to be.

but the key thing here,

is the fact that i care about my community. and i know men have too much. they've got it easy. we've- i now, i'm included in this shitty thing, which means i have to be cognizant and discerning always, and continuously vetting myself because "our" culture is pervasive. if you're not paying attention, if you're not listening to those who have it harder than you, you're gonna have an ear for the toxic and manipulative, and you will destroy people you care about. 

that's where i'm at. I have to step up.

& I'm going to, because it's not about me-- it's about intentionally putting women artists on a platform where they can share their knowledge, to an audience that listens, and has a respect for them, because they know they're right.

they just are. just plant it in your brain; you may not understand it.

women are right. you aren't. so you have to listen. you have to work with a team. you are not the entire world inside one person. you have to know your limitations. you have to check yourself. you may be great, but great people aren't gods. they're just people. nobody can do everything. but we can a lot done if we have a team. not a shitty team where if someone messed up, the coach demeans people.

i feel like i'm lecturing myself a little.

i am.

i fully recognize that i'm like ~~~ teenage boy hormones~~~ right now, and i'm terrified of losing my knowledge and memory of how much words hurt. and everything. how much everything hurts, and how hard it is to walk outside, even. you know? that's real. that's a real experience and as i get more confident in myself, i have to remember where i came from.

kanye west says that.

lupe fiasco says that.

in a way, kanye, and lupe, and kendrick have been my role models.

absolutely showed me that there's a political piece to good art...

and it made me want to write. it connected me to my emotions. it's all i had, so yeah, thank god i do it, or else i would keep everything in and then explode while taking a walk or something.

these hiphop artists, who are men, shaped me a lot. way back when, i called it "conscious hip-hop." I loved it. I gave it myself. I was like: holy shit, this is everything I wanted people to be writing about in pop songs. Also unfortunately, and fortunutely? All i had for my own music, growing up, was the NOW cds and like smash mouth. Fleetwood Mac is my mom's favorite and I cherish that.  

My dad didn't give hiphop to me, although he should've. (i think he writes off hiphop as not being smart enough-- but he's just internalized a lot of racism. & hiphip and rap is SO fucking emotional. it's a survival game, very much like jazz. but he doesn't have that ear. He finds it obnoxious. We're different.) He gave us jazz, but was completely emotionally aloof because he never got a chance to figure out that that's an issue before the $$$stress came in fast. that's real too. my dad's great. he really is. amazing teacher. but unfortunately, that $$$stress whatever happened. and unfortunately, he doesn't get it a lot of the time. he calls me up, says something stupid, makes me cry. and says, "I didnt mean to make you cry." "Well you did. Happy birthday tomorrow." 

i think i may have to have a conversation with him frankly about this, but it's tough- he's my dad, you know? he's got a lot of my respect for keeping this family afloat. but recently i see my mom needing support and i'm like, yeah, dad's being a douche. and at first, she was like "don't you dare call your father a douche!" and i've heard "don't you dare" my whole life, but the thing is, I'm gonna call it how it is, especially when i see that my mom is so obviously being crushed by circumstance. we're a team now. our relationship has shifted, and we have to figure out how to do that.

she's an artist. i want her to do big things-- her paintings are great! i've always thought she had talent, but the thing that gets me, is she worships other people before herself. and that's a given thing. society gave her that. the other day we were talking, and she's like "i'm sick of being told that i'm too loud and that i need to shut up and make myself small." 

and i'm like, "totally." my jaw was dropping a little because inside, i was like, "fuck yeah fuck yeah my mom rocks!!!!!!!!!!!! this is so fucking great!"

she deserves to have her confidence back, and it's unacceptable that it was taken away. she'll get it, she's brilliant. 

but what was funny, the other day, was that, before going into a therapy appointment for myself, she was like: I just want support from him once in awhile? You know? 

and i'm like: yeah, he's has no concept of what you're going through right now, and he needs to help you more.

and she's like: yeah. for once i want family above work.

so that's a great thing that has happened. she's awesome. she's got anything she wants. I don't doubt it. people in my family fucking go for it when they want it.

coincidentally, she's maybe the person who believes me right now. (the only person who was there and had to process everything at the ER, and make a choice there to either defend her son or listen to bullshit advice from doctors who are TOO ARROGANT TO ADMIT THEY DONT KNOW EVERYTHING and for once, I COULD BE RIGHT ABOUT MY OWN BODY, you fucker.)

She's the only person I need to believe me. I love my mother, and I dunno, she's supermom. and my grandma! Aw man, she's a smart person. Oh boy. Ohhhh boy. I love talking to her. She came up (drove out here from Illinois, to take care of me and my mom) and we started swapping knowledge about the bees and farming and injustices and the ocean (!AHH!) and space (and how it's not logical to not believe in aliens) ... 

um anyway, my mother is the shit

my grandmother is a complete badass

--

combo? the strongest people i know.

[coastischanging]

Boston & BU & my attachment there

All my old buddies are graduating this year! 

& that's so great! I'm proud of them.

They're all brilliant, & I mean brillliant, and they're gonna do big things, give em a little bit of a chance, and they've got it- it's a done deal. 

i just met this person who i really connected with - from boston,

and a lot of other folks

and it showed me that a lot of people just want to be believed in and given a chance

and that people change

although fuck men seriously

gtfo

that's a new space i have to figure out

before i didn't consider my own gender, and now i'm literally a teenage boy being so ridiculous and messing up ---> and that has huge implications if i don't acknowledge the things that i'm doing and steer away while i can. that's potentially dangerous. (although i like to believe my potential is connected to making life better for a lot of folks- (i hope!))

but the thing is i find it crucial that i don't mess up

because i'm not that person & i'm completely functional in that way (of understanding what's happening when i inject testosterone.)

i have this new thing in my body that I'm not used to yet...

it makes me feel like i've always wanted

i've had a huge shift in perspective

and a huge 

but yes, i'm not part of women's spaces anymore.

i have a history-- past life experience, 

that's somebody else's space now & i have to respect that.

---

but the greatest thing is,

i'm listening

and i have people around me (who i trust & who will tell me i'm being a douche.)

i'm doing my best to vet myself, but i'm stupid right now

and basically i need a lot of activity.

so i'm trying to convert that into my writing

and into the big music ideas i have.

and into some great parties. 

(we'll see.)

---

i think it's a great thing i'm going on tour this summer, i'm pumped

but i'm not gonna go if my body isn't ready

(my mind's in it)

but my body's in recovery from major trauma right now

and i can be an arrogant asshole all i want with myself about myself but when my body gives out

i'm not here anymore

that's just it--- 

i do love myself

and when i was younger, i threw that out.

but fuck no, i didn't forget what respect is about

and i respect myself.

and i respect you.

---

and i mean, i'm getting to the point where i don't understand things like i used to 

i can't do that anymore

i have a different system now

that's great for me personally

but if i can't get my shit together and respect everyone i consider family in my life.... ?

i mean, i'll have to remove myself from their lives, there's no question.

if it gets to that point, i'm out. (it's only right.)

but, woohoo, it won't get there and i'm fiercely listening and being the observer, 

which is natural for me (quiet confidence)

i have to learn how to shut the fuck up

because, i mean, that's great, i have bad shit. 

so does everyone 

but i can't be putting that on people when i have no scope of what it's like to be them

when you stop listening

that's the issue (obvi. not related to abusive relationships. stop listening)

---

um anyway, so thank something that i have a group of super solid folks who i trust around me

who i can ask questions to 

and be like: you know more than me, i know this is messed up, but i don't know why, do you?

and then they'll be like: it's this, obviously

and i'll be like: you're totally right and i can't believe i would miss that.

---

idk

being emotionally available and not aloof (the aloofness which i got from somewhere/ wonder where)

is the goal, and i think i've got it-- it's there

i just need help & stuff

to figure out how to get me from punk ass me

to me.

i'm respectful as fuck.

i've know that shit was not okay since first encountering it

it's not hard

it's listening to yourself & knowing how much words hurt.

it's called listening to others because there are other experiences and i don't know everything. 

and yeah, a lot of people know a lot more than me.

i will never know everything.

but that's why education & history & healthcare & music & visual art & concerts & having internet access and so much more (idk)

these things are what a healthy culture has

and we don't value any of them 

which makes me believe that our culture does not value a huge portion of its people.

stop catering to white cis men. stop catering to men. 

they're oftentimes basic and stupid and toxic and i'm not joking. 

oftentimes they wont get it/ or can't get it.

...that's a huge shame.

I'm not stupid. I don't think I have a low intelligence. I think I have a pretty high intelligence, especially intuitively. But I'm stupid right now, sometimes i don't have a filter when i should. sometimes i'm wrong. just wrong and unwilling to see that until i have space from it. fortunately now i know this, and i have advice from really smart friends who say: oliver i'm gonna kick your ass if you dont call me back.

and i fly off and go because i feel like i've been cooped for 21 years

and they talk to me and i try to shut up but i cant and we talk more

and they're like: i'm just gonna ride this out. i'm gonna be honest with you, and it's not condescension: you're just like a teenage boy. you're basically clinically insane.

so there's my check. 

i know i have to have huge checks in place to be like:

whoa yeah that's not cool 

what the hell were you thinking, no

and I listen. So it's important to keep that because I feel like I'm hugely in tough emotionally but wasn't taught how to express it, and now i have to figure that out if i want to be within my own community,

that is,

functioning in a respectful and passionate manner.

[coastischanging]

feelin' 22:

i'm throwing myself a 22nd bday party at purchase.

when: friday, sept., 12, 2014. sunset 

where: SUNY P, somewhere dirty & gritty... apt show???? 

why: because i'm alive & i want to have some fun

after party: 

idk i'll prolly be exhausted & wanna sleep

but TBH prolly some apartment shindig

but TBH those aren't fun a lot of the time, I'd rather do a bonfire into the night with nice people & watch the sunrise with a nice bottle of wine and a selection of treats.

there will be: 

dancing

pizza (1st come, 1st serve)

a cover of "22" by taylor swift

maybe I can get Chelsea Reject to come into purch to play a set <3 <3 opened by Dani Grubb? UGH YES.

live music & a dj set as it gets later into the night, which will include all the greatest and most fun pop hits: beyonce, destiny's child, britney spears, lots of santigold, fleetwood mac, of course, M.I.A., Kanye, Drake, Rihanna, Blink-128, Smash Mouth, shania twain. aw yes.

and i suppose, if i can pull it off, there will be some prelim tshirts for sale (to benefit my top surgery fund)

there are rules:

don't be a jerk. Yeah, we'll prolly have to get someone to play bouncer for the night. Maybe I'll do it.

[coastischanging]

stoked is a good word

.. you know, cuz I'm fire? 

yanno?

heheh

i'm such an old man

just like my grandpa with the excessive barely funny jokes