#old entries

[singabout-tragedy]

More entries in my book journal! It's been a long time since my last posts, and I've been working on it a lot recently, so here you go!

[lacexleaves]

“Perhaps dawn is lovelier than twilight, allusive of the light that arises from darkness, the peaceful assurance that night does not last forever. Or the cold drawing away of the veil, the assertion that disturbance always mars the idyllic dream of nightfall.”

[sassanista]

Some old Love Nikki Styles I did

"Just Ring if you Need Me!"

Two okay styles, I like them but my style evolved a lot.

"Lady Light"

"Memorable Dreams are Nonsensical Things"

Flower Market/Paris vibe competition.

Lady Wolf

"I have Gypsy blood in my veins"

"I'll be telling my father about this! -Draco Malfoy"

[lastnightswritings]

Nahhh

I feel like I should be writing but I don’t want to write on here anymore. Some days. Some days I think I should be. Somedays I should think I should keep a journal of how I used to everyday, document every forgotten heartbreak, every nuance day, every ordinary day. And most days its just too much work. Or is it and I am just lazy. I wished I had documented my past entries with more details and not just wrote so secretive about who and what and when. When I read my past entries, it’s like reading a riddle, and I’m just left with questions, and sometimes the biggest question is who I was, and whether that is still who I am. 

[c-c-valentine]

November 27th, 2003 - “i’m back in the game...”

what a great way to break my 7 month dry spell. tonite was freakin awesome. it was the last nite of the ben lee phantom planet tour. they were pulling all sorts of stuff.

while ben lee was onstage, phantom planet came on with a table and chairs and sat there eating pizza and drinking beer. well, alex didn't eat pizza. then during a song they all went over to the drum set where laura was playing and started hitting it with various drum sticks. it was pretty funny. when phantom planet came on, of course, everyone went crazy.they played some new songs as well as the songs off the guest. no olds ones for us old fans i'm afraid. oh well, it was still awesome. while pp was performing one of their songs ben lee and mates ran on stage and covered everyone with silly string. then ben grabbed alex's head and straight up made out with him. it was freakin crazy. i wish i had a camera. right now i'm kinda kicking my ass because i usually always take a camera. but whatever. someone will prolly post them somewhere. alex also did a few stage dives and at the end got a micro phone chord wrapped around a beam in the ceiling and swung from it while singing the last chorus of the night. then their was a crazy mob scene in front of the glasshouse. ben lee was over by the merch booth so i worked my way over there. i bought a cd, had him sign it, bought a poster, and saw some of my old friends from high school. it was way cool. they couldn't believe my hair. i got ben lee to sign my left shoe and alex and sam to sigh my right. after i chatted a bit with my buds i headed back in to get my poster signed. it was crazy but i met some nice girls in the line. when i finally got up to them i was excited. i told them about how i thought it was funny their new poster is the picture out of maxim, that ihaven't been to a show in 7 months and the last time i saw them was the release at fingerprints where alex and sam did an acoustic set. they were surprised to hear i was there. i have it all recorded. i love my recorder. i didn't have a camera. but i have their voices. when that was over and done with i bought a handmade purple studded bracelet from a guy with a suitcase on the sidewalk for 4 bucks. it's freakin awesome. then i got into my car and saw that someone wrote "i love you" on my car. i thought it was nice. i then called the best boyfriend in the world to thank him again and tell him what happened. then i drove home listening to ima robot as loud as i could. all in all the nite was kick ass. plus i got my checkered vans on a fluke. it was meant to be. i hope everyone has a great turkey day. be thankful for everything. sincerely, candice valentine

[c-c-valentine]

July 10th, 2008 - “i’m in control. and it feels good. really good.”

today i put in my two weeks notice. i'm going to live with my mom and i'm going to go back to school. i'm really excited and haven't been able to wipe the smile off my face all day. 

i cleared out my cubicle. i sure had a bunch of crap. all that remain are a couple pics of me and david. it's weird. being in this boring ass cubicle kinda makes me realize what i've been trying to hide for the last few years. these walls were covered with pics of friends, family, pets, funny things i've gotten through emails, quotes, and other things that would make me happy. it was like putting a bandaid on a ozzing, pussy, infected, open wound. i'm breaking out. no turning back. now it's real. fight or flight candice. i will succeed now that i'm in charge of my life. it's been too long. good bye old life. hello rest of my life. sincerely, candice valentine

[xenahexx]

He's a vacation from my empty torn down home that I can't bare to stay in

But love doesn't live here anymore and I'm afraid it'll never find it's way back

How can you allow yourself to feel love after it's agonizing betrayal?

This vacation is filled with such beauty but it still isn't home and I can't stay here either

-km

[xenahexx]

My first love

True love doesn't hurt the way I was taught it does. I was so delusional and blinded by the bittersweet tragedy we called love. What we shared was toxic from the start. The girl you destroyed was so innocent, so pure and undeserving of the things you put her through. You filled my heart with so much hate. I was never good enough, could never compete with all the beautiful faces that caught your attention while I was standing next to you feeling invisible. Before you I never noticed how many flaws I had but soon I found it impossible to see past them. Everyone was a threat to me, I just wanted you to myself, I craved your attention and needed to learn to how to make you see me but every attempt failed. All my insecurities clouded my head and every time you told me you loved me it stung because I didn't understand how someone who loved me could hurt me so deeply. I hopelessly begged you time and time again to hear my cries for help but all I ever received was empty words and broken promises. Now that it's too late you're desperately searching for the tears I used to shed and for the very first time I can see that you notice somethings wrong here. You're blaming me for being so cold but I wish you understood that you've torn me to shreds and I have nothing left to give. I thought letting you go would be the hardest thing I'd ever do and I admit it's far from easy but I'm begging to realize nothing is worse than living a lie and a life of one sided love. The love I had for you was so pure, I truly and undoubtedly loved you more than life it's self and could never imagine the day that would change. I gave you everything I had, every ounce of me was invested in you and along the way I lost myself. We were just kids when we fell in love and I understood you needed time to learn how to love me. I knew I was a lot to handle and I asked for way too much from someone who was just trying to figure it all out but now that I'm older I realize I never knew what I was doing either yet even in my darkest days the love I had for you guided me and I could never hurt you the way you hurt me. Never again will I beg for honesty or question my own self worth because of someone else's inability to see it. What I hate most is that I ever allowed you to make me feel so low. I'm more than what you've taught me I am. You were my first heartbreak & I thank you for teaching me so much. I don't even think you ever intentionally hurt me, you were just selfish and I'll always wish you could've payed more attention to what I was going through, I was so alone. To this day you still don't understand what you've put me through emotionally but I've accepted that and only hope no one ever shows you what it feel like. I'll never forget you or anything you taught me and though I'm grateful for that it also hurts to know I'll think of you when I reach all the milestones we were supposed to reach together. We had our whole life planned and I can't lie it kills me inside to know none of that will ever exist. I think about that every day and to relive the pain and the loss is nearly unbearable but I'm trying my best to get through it. You were my best friend and I'm so lost without you but I'm learning it's okay to miss something and not want it back. We brought out the worst in each other and I only hope we can both find happiness in this crazy world some day. Right now we're both broken and we have to put our ourselves back together. I hope I'm not this damaged forever. While I work through these insecurities and trust issues I hope you work through your issues as well. Please do the best you can in everything you do. I hope life treats you well and I truly wish you nothing but the best.