#oldentry

[artists-table]

ITAP of a Purple Spoon Daisy that I grew over the summer. This is its final bloom. via /r/itookapicture https://ift.tt/2m2fHvj by OldEntry

[thefireinsidethem-blog]

Journal Entry 08/14/2015

I look to my left and right and all I see are people. Depressed people. Honestly I feel like a psycho but I'm lighter. More brighter. I am living in a dream. Just waiting for that beam... of light to shoot through the sky (that's when I'll die). It's amazing knowing I can fly. For none of this is real, but society has the deal: Live like a slave and behave!

[meikimeii]

Dear Diary 3.28.15

I set normal standards for myself - but I do lack confidence in a lot of areas. Deep down, I know there is potential somewhere. I just haven’t completely broken out of it yet. It’s hard to stand up and proclaim to the world, “I’ve found myself!” When in reality, it feels as if everything around me is crashing down. I used to consider myself a loyal friend, but lately I’ve been wondering what friendship even means. I’m scared - of the titles and details of a friendship. Since when did friendship become work? Since when did I enjoy my own company? Sometimes I can’t trust anyone... I want to be alone and study the noise my pencil makes as it scratches at my paper. I want to discover the materiality of the objects around me, and find a deeper meaning beyond its simple form... because there is always a deeper meaning behind everything, isn’t there? Men don’t cheat on their wives just because, or do they? I don’t understand the ways of people, I really can’t. I’ve tried so hard to conform, but in doing so I started to lose the artist in me. I started to lose the special spark that makes me - me. So I began by flushing the toxins out of my life. And this is where I am now. I”m happy, but confused. I overthink, and sometimes my thoughts eat at me. Artists meed to share their work, their thoughts, their minds. They have the urge to change and inspire people - and that’s my job, isn’t it?

Enough questions. Back to the drawing board where I will find myself.

[mypendulumswings]

impressions from depression. #2

but i’m not depressed

these feelings

they’re normal

it’s hormones

how silly

and i’m not depressed

i’m happy

or i can be

and i get excited

and i can be passionate

and i want to go to bed

but i didn’t sleep enough

that must be it

and i smile

and laugh

i cry myself to sleep most nights

but it’s hormones

or heartbreak

or maybe just being dramatic

what if this cough kills me

how easy

i think

but it scares me

so i can’t be depressed

and the suns down

that’s it

i just miss light

or sunlight

or something

and my to-do list is long

so i’m lazy

and scared

but not depressed

and that’s normal

type a

type b

i don’t even know who i want to be

i’m confused

i miss the point

but depression isn’t confusing

so i’m okay

right

it’s normal

and sometimes my head screams

don’t cycle

don’t go there

and if i stop it

i’m okay

but if i don’t

it’s okay

cause i’ll sleep it away

what if i don’t get up

but really

what if i don’t get up

but it’s ideas

you see

real depressed people don’t stop to think

they just sit there

they don’t think about it

they just do

and i think

i think about it

stopping

i think about that too

but i’m dramatic

and i want attention

i’m not depressed

but i have to say nice things

i think nice things about myself

no one will love me if i don’t

but what if i don’t

if i can’t love me  

no one else can

and i worry

but that’s okay

it’s normal

people worry

but i’m sure if you’re depressed you don’t

so i’m normal

[mypendulumswings]

impressions from depression. #1

And how similar we all are. Bleeding just the same. When awakening gets harder. Sleep becomes our name. I'm sorry that I hated you. I'm sorry that I hated me. This sickness isn't us. Even the strongest men can be defeated. But I will choose to love myself. No matter when I hide. Or people tend to scare me. All I can do is curl up until I'm fine. But that is not me. It's an uphill journey you'll see. And I'm not sure how to do it. I'm not sure how to win this. When god seems like a myth. And heartbreak like the bible. Energy a dying wind. Motivation a great lie. But if through it all I can be okay. Maybe you can too. If I can love myself despite all this. Maybe we'll pull through.

[mypendulumswings]

Millennials.

We are a generation petrified of the future.

We grew up hearing that our childhood would be the best years of our lives.

We grew up believing being young is freedom.

And when we looked at the world of the so-called “responsible,” we found divorce, bankruptcy, and betrayal.

But then it get’s worse for us, doesn’t it?  

The job market is depressing.

We could work our entire lives and still barely be able to pay the rent.

And we would be miserable.

The future is bleak.

And even for the few of us who happen to make a decent amount of cash,

we’ll still probably get divorced, have kids who hate us, and feel trapped in our “consumer driven” lives.

Thus, the world of the millennials calls us to hide, to go back to childhood in whatever way we can.

We’ll probably all be alcoholics and drug addicts, or at the very least we’ll binge watch too much tv and spend too many sleepless nights on the next video game.

Reality has shown us what it has to offer, and we’ve said no.

But how far are we willing to go?

We are the generation who has nothing to believe in.

Where wrong and right are subjective.

Where opinions are offensive.

Where acceptance of the things handed to us is mandatory.

Or at the very least, we must keep private any rejections.

Because if life is grim, hope is childish.

And if agreeing is the norm, disagreeing is arrogant.

And if tradition has lied to us, there must be no need for it.

We are taught to question all except the questioner.

  And maybe I believe tradition has lasted because in some ways we need it.

And that the things I’m learning in school might actually be useful.

And maybe I don’t even agree a little bit with abortion.

And maybe I believe adultery is always wrong.

And divorce is not okay.

And that I’m still responsible for the stupid shit I do when I’m drunk.

And that it’s polite not to cuss.

And that if someone gets offended by your cussing, it is as much your fault as theirs.

And lying, even when so very small, is wrong.

And talking shit about each other.

Even if we don’t like them, or they’ll never know, or it’s just fun.

And I guess I believe we do affect the people around us.

And what we say, and what we do, actually matters in the grand scheme of things.

  And maybe I believe it’s okay if you point out to me where I’m slipping.

And maybe I don’t want to believe what I believe alone.

And maybe I want to share what I have, and I want you to share too.

And maybe I actually believe in the bible.

And that if I keep praying, God will have to pick up the fucking phone.

And that He does pick each and every one of us.

And maybe I want to have hope.

And I want to believe people can truly lookout for each other.

And care for each other.

And love each other.

And that if I stand up to change the things that aren’t okay, you’ll stand up too.

Because sex trafficking is still a thing.

And film sets kill people to make shitty movies.

And little boys who die saving their families get less attention than drunk-driving celebrities.

Do you see what I’m saying?

[mypendulumswings]

Singleness.

I recently read a post about 23 things to do before getting engaged. I think most of us single people are bitter about the fact that we are single. So, I would just say, if you happen to be ringed, congratulations. Fight the good fight so generations to come actually still believe in marriage. Don't let it turn into the joke it's becoming. And for those of us who have body pillows to cuddle instead of the "one," at least we work with what we've got. I'm not going to tell all of you singles to take this time to do whatever you want. I don't think being single means you get to be as selfish as you like, and I certainly don't suggest dating two people at once. When you're single is the only time you are not responsible for another person. No partner, no kids. You are at the place in your life when you have more time to commit to being a better person. Volunteer, give out sandwiches, make a difference somewhere, even if it's small. You can devote time to helping out friends, exploring interests, learning about other cultures. Give up something you love, and force yourself to do something you hate. Donate your hair. Give away clothes. Drop a couple hundred you don't have to help out a mission or organization. Go to other countries. Stay where you are and help out your own community. Fight for the laws you believe in. Join a protest group. The possibilities are endless. Yes, you can be a good person and do great things as a married person, but as a single, you have so much more time to devote. And that's okay. Neither is better. They're just different. So use the different seasons in life right.

[let-it-in-and-let-it-go]

God is good...

…all the time!

I went to the City today with my best friend from HS. She’s a very open-minded atheist who does not hesitate to ask me about my beliefs. God gave me the courage, strength, and words to share. And God knows - I prayed for those words on the spot because I had no idea what she would bring up; and she brought up some awfully good points/perspectives.

She knows my stance: love the sinner, hate the sin. To believe, one must make the decision on his/her own - not because someone else told them to believe. Sin, in the Christian belief, is sin. In human terms, some sins have more impact on others, but to God sin is just that: sin.

When it came to controversial issues, she said that some, if not many, of the Christian views are contradictory because Jesus was about tolerance. Here were the words God gave me: Jesus did not call us to be tolerant - He called us to love. She mentioned how both are very closely related and I agreed; related, but still different.

Think of it this way: You have a child. If your child throws a fit in the supermarket, it’s an intolerable behavior - but you still love your child despite that. The funny thing is that I know that a metaphor like that is totally beyond me. I could never think about something like that on my own. It had to be You. It had to be.

I’m really excited to see God working in my life :)