9. Secrets and stoicism
My parents and I watched the The Wedding Banquet and Eat Drink Man Woman last night. I didn’t think anyone would have interest in seeing these films with me but, to my surprise, my dad was pretty enthusiastic about it :).
There’s so many nuances in the Asian culture that is hard to explain so I really appreciate story telling that captures our essence and values...especially when it has to do with being Asian American or first/second generation. Sometimes I watch to see if the characters are relatable...maybe hoping to see if my experiences are portrayed in a way that can help me understand myself. Most of the times, I’m seeking to better understand the traditional way of thinking. I often wonder what my shortcomings are when it comes to being an Asian daughter. I feel bad my parents had to assimilate in order to fit in. I wonder what ways of thinking they didn’t want to but had to give up in order to make others comfortable. I wonder if I can give them permission to be the person they want to be and not who they think they need to be because they are in America.
I have a lot of thoughts about being Asian. One of them revolves around secrecy and stoicism. The films we watched did a great job highlighting how children hide things from the parents in order to avoid disappointing them. And parents hide things from their children to protect their feelings. I find when I talk to my American friends, they prefer to be direct and find it inefficient to beat around the bush. I see where they’re coming from but I don’t think it’s wrong to be indirect. Just like I don’t think there’s a “right” way to live. We’re all raised in different environments that hold different values. Who’s to say your way of thinking is better than mine? My way of thinking may make you uncomfortable, but I’m allowed to have my own process, just as you are allowed to have yours. We just have to find a way to live in harmony with each other. Asian culture may seem indirect and steer away from conflict...but the beauty behind this is that we do it to avoid burdening others...it’s a love language. You could argue that honesty is the best policy. I also value this - I would love to be looped in and understand the burden someone is choosing to carry for me without my knowledge. What if it was unnecessary? What if a simple conversation could resolve the issue and make both parties happier? I’d love to be in a world where being honest and direct is easy. But I also see so much value in being indirect and soft spoken. I’ve had family give me the kindest reality checks. The way they speak to me has so much thoughtfulness and love. Maybe they get through to me by telling me a story that parallels my life or sweetly volunteer ideas based on their experiences. It requires me to be much more attentive and read in between the lines, but it gets the job done. In the right context we can become more emotionally intelligent and trusting from this exercise.
My dad is very stoic and a man of little words. He’s someone who doesn’t even want to call T-mobile to tell them that they wrongly charged him. But I know if he’s not speaking up, he’s either protecting someone or he’s protecting his own energy and peace. I know when he’s hurt even when he doesn’t tell me. I see him without him having to jump up and down to get my attention. And I hear him without him having to yell. I don’t think he should have to express himself in a way that makes him uncomfortable in order to be heard. As someone who loves him, I think its my job to allow him to live in this world the way he feels most authentic. He’s the king of avoiding and I understand that he can grow if he ventures out his comfort zone...but I’m not about to try to school an ex-refugee on what going out of their comfort zone can do for them...I think he’s done it enough for 10 lifetimes. My biggest fear with secrecy is that it could mean we may leave this earth without truly getting to know one another. However, I think if we deeply understand each others’ intentions, our hearts would learn to trust intention and not need to rely on obvious expressions or physical cues to understand one another.