cw fatphobia & insecurities etc. yeow
sometimes i think about the fact that i kind of do have a style that's half there and clothes/accessories/jewelry/general styles i like wearing/imagining myself wear and in my head it's pretty cohesive and has been since high school but the people around me (generally) (to no fault of their own) don't really attribute it to Me or My Style and i've never once walked around a thrift store or gone shopping w people where they've been like "oh it's so you!" or "oh this fits you so well!" or "oh you'd look really nice in this!" and i've always ended up being like. the friend who says this to others. or the friend who says "i think you should try this you would look really good in this". and i sometimes wonder if it's Because of like. my fatness. that people do not Notice a style. generally. or are too afraid to say i should try something on or that i would look good in something. and it's like. i don't really fault people for thinking that way nor do i expect someone to go out of their way to think about that or me and part of me is really hoping i'm thinking too deeply about this but it's been something i've been pondering for a While.
and i haven't really given it too much thought other than a passive "oh i'm too fat to be acknowledged in that way" every now and then but ever since like. my partner came into the picture. he is so lovely and attentive and has expressed how much he Loves how i look and how i dress and when we go out to thrift stores/etc he always points out like hey you would look so good in this. or hey this is very much your style. and it wasn't until then that i realized how objectively little i've heard that from people relative to how much they would say that to everyone else. and again i've always pondered this but never in a pointed sense until i recognized how unfamiliar it felt to hear someone say I Would Look Good In Something. which sounds really sad but like i don't even think it's on purpose. at that point though it just becomes a question of like. how little am i considered in certain Contexts and how much of that is attributed to my fatness and how unfamiliar some people are with navigating life having a fat friend. and it sucks so so bad because i don't want to resent anybody for that nor do i blame anyone at all because it's not like society has ever trained people to be respectful to fat people but it's also even harder to ask your friends like "hey has my fatness ever been in the way of you considering me as someone with a consistent image" because 1) that's crazy 2) i feel like i just haven't been around as much.
i know what i like and what i feel good in. so does my partner. and it's something that comes so naturally to him and it makes me wonder if he's just a unique case. i looove cottagecore meets vintage meets office-dress-code-after-dark meets The Beach. i've been a cottagecore girl since early high school even if i have a bit of a more nuanced moral/politicaltake on that "-core" as an aesthetic. i love ruffles and long skirts and flannel and sweetheart/a-line necklines. i love tight fitting tops and loose pants with contrasting colours. i love lace and making lingerie look work-appropriate. i love loose outerwear over cropped shirts. i love light blue wash jeans and flats i could wear while walking around in the sand. i love hair accessories (despite my previous rant about that) and anything embroidered and i've always preferred to layer but i used to hate doing so because i worried all the time about how chunky my body looks. my childhood movies that shaped my style was mamma mia meets the devil wears prada. i lovr sundresses. i love yellow/blue/pale purple/pink/white in the day and black/red/burgundy all paired with light brown/beige at night. i've always loved pearls since i was a baby because i grew up near the ocean. i love seaglass. i love jewelry i could buy in the philippines. i wish i wasn't always sidelined when talking about fashion but i never spoke anyways since i would always feel like a fraud because in my head everyone just thinks i look like a fat girl who doesn't know how to dress herself so it would be nice to have someone See me more. i hate hate hate acting like getting a partner changed everything about me but i never realized how Unseen i was about certain things until then. nobody tells the fat girl she'd look good in lace. nobody really tells the fat girl she should buy something because they wanna see her in it like omfg omfgggg fuckkkkk i hate sounding like i'm throwing a pity party but it's always "wow you look good" and never "you would look good in x" and i need to let go of seeking approval in people who would never think of this as a problem because i'm too sensitive and i assume people think nothing of me but holy shit man. fuckkkk 😭
and it's always like. you're woke until you have to see a fat person. and then it becomes "oh don't call yourself that 🥺" or "you're so confident" or whatever. everybody's so fucking scared of the word fat and you feel like such an awful person everyday because sometimes you think i wonder how many of my friends would be devastated thinking about becoming the same weight as me one day and whether they think i'm healthy or if they think it's annoying how slow i can be even if i know i'm fucking healthy and i go to the gym/work out and i play sports and i'm objectively not someone whose body is shutting down and you know (and hope) in your heart that that's not the people you've surrounded yourself with but you. because of society. genuinely cannot help but wonder what you are to some of the most treasured people in your life. and it feels so fucking selfish sometimes to feel literally anything and to want to be reassured. just in general. HELP MEEEEEE. OOOHHHH MY GOD 😭