#on death

[a-labyrinth-of-stories]

People said everyone’s got a time to die. Prayers, medicine, or whatever can’t change that. But I didn’t believe it was Esau’s time. I don’t believe that now. I don’t think Grandma believed it either. She cursed through her grief: “This don’t make no damn sense! Why the hell God gotta take everythang you love?” It was the only time I’d heard her swear. Her concoctions, which we’d always trusted, had failed.

Don't Cry for Me, Daniel Black

[a-labyrinth-of-stories]

When Delmont pitched in he would have had a small air bubble in the top of the truck cab, a supply that would have lasted maybe twenty minutes. In the end, he would have been pressing his face to the roof, sucking the last bits of the air, then his world would have gone to shadows, then night, darker yet than his poor heart.

Trapline, Roy Parvin [from the book ‘The Loneliest Road in America’]

[mustelidian]

Sam Neill speaks on his reflections of life and death.

[symeonae]

To see the end in the beginning of everything

[a-labyrinth-of-stories]

It was a beautiful sight, actually, a band of rustic, seasoned black men, three on each side, bearing my father like a king, while the rest of the crowd finished the hymn. I didn’t know the song, but I loved the ritual. There was requirement in it, process that had to be done if Dad was to be at rest. At one point, those elders looked like ancestors marching down that little shady lane, and all I could do was shake my head. I didn’t know what Dad meant to them, what they meant to him, what this little town had once been. But they knew. And they meant to send him off right.

Isaac’s Song, Daniel Black

[a-labyrinth-of-stories]

I couldn’t forgive her for not being there, for having allowed death to snatch her, to tear her from my clumsy arms. I chastised myself for not having held on to her, for not having understood that she couldn’t go on any more.

I Who Have Never Known Men, Jacqueline Harpman (tr. Rod Schwartz)

[vulturusmori]

Happy Pride everyone this is your regular reminder from your friendly neighborhood mortician that if you are queer/trans and are not legally married and don't really trust what your immediate family would do for you if you died, make sure you designate your preferred person to be in charge of your final disposition and end-of-life care. This varies state by state; in my state the form you fill out is called a Designee for Final Disposition. In some states a durable power of attorney will extend after death but NOT ALWAYS. If you're not sure what you need where you live, call your local funeral home and they should be able to tell you, and sometimes will even have copies of the forms that they can help you fill out for free.

In most states these forms are free and accessible through the dot gov website for your state, and do not require an attorney to file, just two uninterested witnesses or a notary. You often do not have to file it with a court. You can fill out this form no matter your age and most of the time it takes minutes of your time.

I say this especially for queer people because I see them falling victim to the kind of situation where their long-term partner has no control, and they either get abandoned or misgendered and dishonored by immediate family. But it can benefit anyone, especially if you are estranged from your family or have a tense relationship and are not legally married.

A couple things to keep in mind:

-make sure you and your designee have a copy of the notarized form in a safe place, and if your local funeral home allows it, have them keep a copy on file too.

-many funeral directors and funeral staff are notaries; often times you can go into a funeral home that has regular office hours - with the person you want to designate - and fill out the form and have it notarized in MINUTES.

-if a funeral home tells you that you need to make/pay for other prearrangements or pay for the form, and you're not comfortable doing that, go to a different one. Always call ahead to check first. If you want to, you can also attach some basic vital statistic information for them to keep too. If you do this, make sure you mark somewhere on your copy of the form that you chose that funeral home.

-most states do not recognize a partner in a "common-law" marriage as having the right to disposition. (Many states also do not recognize common-law marriage as legitimate at all anymore). NEVER fall back on "I've lived with this person for a long time"

-ANYONE WHO IS WILLING TO SIGN AND BE RESPONSIBLE CAN BE YOUR DESIGNEE. It does not have to be family or a romantic partner. It can be anyone you trust and who is willing to take responsibility.

-If you are young, make sure you revisit the designee form every year or so to make sure the person on it is still the person you want in charge. It's always good to pick someone that you're sure will be in your life for a long time!

If I haven't made it abundantly clear, the vast vast majority of the time this form is very simple and does not take a lot of time to fill out and is not required to be filed with any legal office or attorney to be valid!!!! This is a little form that saves SO MUCH time, grief and confusion about responsibility. If you do NO OTHER end-of-life planning, do a designee for final disposition. DO IT. DO IT TODAY!