seeing all these tiktoks of adults playing piano really well after just a few months of self teaching or making insane drawing progress within short amounts of times due to hyperfixating makes me wanna learn piano and get back into drawing. there are so many things i wanna do there are over a dozen hobbies i long for with all my heart. i have this ideal version of me in my head who not only plays piano or draws but sings, dances, ice skates, does yoga and makes websites, swims well, cooks great food, tries different sports. there are hobbies i have been dreaming of doing since childhood but i never got to do it
i felt like during my childhood I was deprived of learning skills because I was never given the opportunity and i was stupid enough to waste my time scrolling on social media, to my parents i always expressed wishes that i wanted to do something but it was never encouraged. i wasn't given any musical instrument lessons, encouraged to join a club, my parents knew i liked art but never fostered that skill much except for my aunt shipping me supplies at times (thanks so much) and gradually i lost interest. i know it sounds cliché but if i had spent just 1 hour per day drawing instead of scrolling the past 10 years i would be really good now, tbh. i am nowhere near the level of people with respectable art skills, but despite having drawn very little in my life, people always point out my drawings being above average and it makes me cringe every time because i know it's really good given the little practice i had but really bad given what it could've been had i just applied myself more.
and i feel so untalented and culturally sort of numb, like I would love to know what it's like to play music or move your body freely to music without this numbing shame and self-consciousness that paralyzes each movement and the stiff awkwardness, but at the same time, i don't know WHEN to do it, how to start and so on.
i wanna do stuff, and the irony is because i waste so much time thinking about the how, i never get to do it, instead of doing it i end up wasting time i could have invested into pursuing that interest.
