#on selflessness

[ronweasleydefensesquad]

sometimes i remember that when ron finally got a pet of his own - not a hand-me-down, not a family thing - he still let his little sister name it and honestly that says a lot about how giving he is even with the precious little he has

[literaryanxiety]

You seem like you work very hard even when it's hard on you. Like youd throw your jacket off in a rainstorm to give to someone else that needed it.

Hey whoever you are,

Thanks for reaching out and thanks for the kind words. However, I’d like to clear some things up. Though I do my best to be kind to the people I meet, I don’t claim to be and am not a selfless person. I really hope I don’t come across this way in my blog!

I’m happy to help a stranger in need and would definitely hand them an umbrella without expecting anything in return, but I also want to stress that taking care of yourself is important.

I don’t think I’ve shared my experiences with people-pleasing on tumblr, but I think it’s time. tw: depression, mention of suicide.

I’d always been a people-pleaser. I grew up thinking that I had to do everything in my power to make the people around me happy. I made many friends that way. I gave them my time and my super limited energy to listen to their problems and rants. Over time, I found that they demanded more and more of me. One night of confidence turned into hours of rants daily. I slowly realise that they began expecting this of me. They reached me wherever I was–whatsapp, facebook, twitter, instagram, etc. This is why I don’t check or update my social media accounts anymore. Having one friend who needed my undivided attention for at least 3 hours a day was exhausting enough. At the peak, I had three such friends. It came to the extent that I was rushing from accompanying one friend at her dorm to meeting another one at a cafe. Post face-to-face meeting, the texts wouldn’t stop coming in. I had no time for myself and for whatever I was working towards. I stayed up till the wee hours of the morning working on my essays because my evenings were scheduled to listen to rants. Once, I accidentally launched whatsapp at 3am, and one of them immediately sent a text: OMG you’re still awake? Instead of asking me to get my ass to bed, she proceeded to talk about herself and her problems, and I felt obliged to entertain her because she told me repeatedly that she was depressed. I had to remind her to eat, to sleep and to complete her assignments. The one time I didn’t reply to her texts, she threatened suicide. Another of my friends was spiteful that I got into a Creative Writing course and pressured me to drop it, because I wouldn’t have enough time to spend with her with all the reading and writing I would have to do. Guess what? I felt guilty and dropped it and now I’m regretting it. When all this was happening, my family was also experiencing problems, so I had literally no one to turn to and like almost ten people to counsel on a daily basis. One day, I just broke down and cried in my school’s blackbox in the middle of a fundraising event. It was no surprise that I eventually collapsed. I dragged myself to the university counsellor, knowing that I couldn’t break down because so many people were relying on me.

During one of our sessions, he told me, “You can’t be everyone’s saviour.” And it broke me. I realised I’d been going about this helping thing the wrong way. I’d been supporting others so much they can’t do without me. It’s far from a nice thing to do, because it doesn’t help them develop the skills they need to cope with challenges. I began recommending my friends to seek help from mental health professionals, and they declined, all of them, telling me they had no time or that it was expensive (universities here provide free health services btw) and that all they wanted was for someone to listen to their problems. It was then that I realised that I wasn’t really their friend. I was a free-of-charge counsellor who was unconstrained by office hours. They could summon me at a moment’s notice to assuage their anxieties. In addition, due to my lack of boundaries, I allowed them to get angry at me whenever I decided to put them on hold. I’m not trivialising or demonising mental illnesses. I’ve been there before. It’s tough and you feel like the whole world is against you. But if you repeatedly lash out at the people around you and you want to keep them around, then you need to get better. But in order to get better, you have to want to get better. My friends clearly didn’t want to. They ignored my advice and continued pushing me around, making me feel guilty for “neglecting” them. Soon, I realised it was my responsibility to stop this. I can’t be everyone’s saviour. Especially if they don’t take me or their own mental health seriously. Some people don’t want to be saved. They want to be indulged in. Eventually, one of my friends admitted it. “I don’t need help. Just someone who listens to me.” When I told her I had more on my plate than her problems, she told me to drop my other friends. I knew then that my job was done. I can deal with the occasional rant, but if someone’s going to throw their life’s problems at my feet for hours each day and demand undivided attention or get angry and call me an ableist, then I’m not the friend for them. I can’t keep sacrificing my wellbeing in order for some people to feel good about themselves.

In fact, I think the word “selfless” should be removed from the dictionary. I choose kindness. Be kind to others. Random acts of kindness are the most wholesome thing in the history of the world. Listen to others. Hear them out, but don’t indulge them, especially if it’s unhealthy. Be kind and guide them to seek professional help. It’ll help them for years to come. As for those who refuse to get help, set clear boundaries. Tell them you can only spare 15 minutes a day for rants and be there for those 15 minutes. But after that, stop replying. You’ll realise that after some time, they’ll find someone else to give them what they want and completely forget about you. It goes to show that they never treated you as a friend. You have a life of your own. You have your studies, your job, your family, your friends, your dreams to work for. Yes, it’s selfish, but only by being kind to yourself can you truly help those who really need it.

Sorry for the huge digression. To reply to your ask, I gotta say, yes, I’d give away my jacket to someone who needs it more than I do. If I see the same person again in the rain, I’d bring them to buy their own jacket. But any future appearances by that same individual in the rain would be more than suspect and you can be sure I’d avoid that route for the rest of my life.