Our late lunch is a quiet affair. Although we still have another 4 hours together I have this horrible feeling that he’s about to vanish and I’m never going to see him again. I’m lying curled up on my bed watching Harry potter about my room, gathering up his huge amount of crap that he’s accumulated over the past few days and pack them into his bag.
He looks so comfortable just wondering about my room, folding clothes and putting toiletries back into his bag. It sort of worries me how close we’ve become in such a short space of time and how much I think I’m going to miss him while he’s in Chicago. 'I wish I could come’ I find myself saying wistfully.
‘So come with me' He puts down his shirts and comes to sit on the bed by my legs.
He rubs his hand along my leg. 'Please come with me Kirsty. I don’t want to be apart from you for that long. For the first time in a long time I think this could be something serious between us and I don’t want to ruin it by disappearing for 3 weeks’ He begs quietly.
'I can’t Harry. I’m sorry’ I rub my hands over my eyes in frustration. 'I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said I wanted to come. That was unfair. I just hate the thought of not seeing you again for weeks or months’ I look up to see those beautiful eyes watching me intently.
'What’s stopping you from coming?’ He asks
‘Harry please’ I plead sitting up so were facing each other, ‘can we not do this again?’
‘Kirsty, you can’t tell me you wish you could come with me then not give me a decent reason for not coming’ He grows frustrated. I look down to his balled fists in his lap
'Honestly? It’s everything!’ I can feel myself getting upset already. I grown at myself and shake my head trying to dispel the tears. ‘I can’t give up my job to chase you around the world. I can’t live off your money, It’s immoral, its lazy and I’m not being the whore that you pay every night to be in your bed. I’m not allowing you to feed me and cloth me so I can be in your bed every night’
Harry eyes bulge ‘Hold up. What the fuck?’ He pauses ‘Paying you to be in my bed? Where the hell did that come from?’
‘Well that’s what it will look like’ I shrug
Harry watches me closely and begins to nod slowly ‘That’s what it will look like to who?’
‘What?’ I don’t understand what he’s asking
‘You said ‘That’s what it will look like’ Who will it look like that to?’
‘I don’t know’ I shrug ‘People, fans’ I pause ‘the media?’ I feel like I’m drowning in this conversation. I know he doesn’t see my point of view and I know no matter how much I’d love to go on holiday with him, I can’t budge on this one.
‘Do you think allowing me to pay for a holiday makes you a prostitute?’ He asks
‘But you think the media will think that?’ He asks calmly
‘Kirsty why does it matter what they think?’ He asks softly
I pull my knees to my chest and hug them tightly. ’Because I don’t want people to think badly of me’
‘Why would they need to know?’
I shrug again. The only thing I seem able to do through this conversation. ‘Do they not find out everything?’
He smiles softly ‘Only when you tell the wrong people. If we keep it between us then no one would need to know’ He looks hopeful and I want to be sick for even entering into this conversation. I know I can’t go and I’ve now given him the idea that I could.
‘Harry I can’t’ I shake my head as a tear role’s down my cheek and I raise my hand to wipe it away but Harry beats me to it and brushes it away gently with his thumb.
‘Ok baby’ I nudges my legs so I let go of them and he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me onto his lap. ‘Its okay’ He soothes as I hear myself sob into his chest. ‘I hope you’ll still be here when I get back’
I nod into his chest as the tears continue to fall.