I've been doing a lot of thinking this past week. I guess I could sum up my thoughts into two major categories or ideas.
First, I'm tired. I'm feeling the physical exhaustion, sure; the mid-week burnout never ceases to tackle me into the pavement. But honestly, I'm tired of being here. As the days and the weeks drag on, I grow weary of the fact that I am still here. On Ebeye. An island that is one mile long. ONE MILE. And I have been here for just about 7 months now. I'm tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of routine. I'm tired of students that won't listen. I'm tired of "island time." I'm tired of a culture that is apathetic about every aspect of their lives.
I'm ready to go home. I want a little breathing space. It's crowded here, and I want to roam around, get some leg room. I want to explore the woods or go to a zoo. I want to see something new. I want to see birds and squirrels. I want to go out for a drive. I long to have the option to eat out; you know, get a fresh sandwich, or a greasy burrito, or eat strawberries. I want to see people I can hold a conversation with.
I know this may sound a little shallow, but put yourself in my position and imagine yourself on a rock for 10 months, in a culture you knew virtually nothing about. I'm tired. The novelty of living on an island in the middle of the Pacific has long worn out. I'm sick of being here, and I'm ready to hop on a plane and head back stateside.
The second thing I've been thinking about is this: I could really do more. With such little time left, I honestly feel like I've barely scratched the surface of what I came out here to do. I committed to 10 months here, and there are only 3 more remaining. 3 months! One part of me squeals with excitement, while another cringes at the thought that I may not be accomplishing what I set out to do.
You see, I'm here on this small plot of land called Ebeye as a Student Missionary. I'm not here just as a teacher, but a missionary first. And while I have the most ideal position for a missionary/teacher (High School Bible Teacher), I have just a few students that have made a noticeable change in their desire to know who Jesus Christ is.
I may be realizing this too late, but my Bible class needs to be so much more than just information and good insights into God's word. It should be leading them into wanting to grow a relationship with Jesus Christ. Yeah, maybe I am planting seeds that will eventually lead my students to Jesus; yeah, maybe they have taken note of my example and will eventually follow suit. But I feel like that's not enough, at least not for me.
I've tried to get them to see that nothing is more important than knowing the Savior: through class, reading through the Gospels in addition to class, Bible studies, and chapel sermons but I just feel like I can still do so much more.The ideas have been turning in my head all year long, I just need to get the wheels rolling. Time is winding down and every moment is precious now.
I make a promise to you and to myself: these next 3 months I'm going hard before I go home. I want to see students give their life to Christ before I leave. I want them to realize it will be the most important decision they will ever make. These next 3 months I'm going to work harder than I have. God called me out here for a reason and has given me a purpose, and with His help, I am going to fulfill it.
I guess I can conclude this post, with one final thought: It's good to look forward and plan ahead, but you shouldn't let that hinder your actions in the present. There is a reason that you are where you are, so don't let dreams of the future stop you from giving 100% to and for God in the here-now.
Here's to these last 3 months,
