Do you watch those videos on Tiktok? Beautiful words that describe obscure emotions? Earlier on our Filo Pysch, I learned a new word: ya'aburnee, an Arabic term used for "you bury me," which means a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.
I was vocal to Mama that I didn't want to live a long life. I would always say that it's hard to live and it's hard for me to be with a lot of people. Hirap makisama is the term. I told her 30-40 would be enough. Her age for me is too much, which is 59. And if I remember it right, I also told her that I should die first before her. I would also joke about the playlist/songs they should play on my burial and, of course, Mama being herself and me being me, ang response niya ay, "Gaga ka talaga."
Seeing her on her deathbed and watching her die is painful for me already, and so I thought that maybe it would be more painful for her to see me like that too.
Mayroong isang eksena nung bata pa 'ko at may sakit, I would sleep in a straight position with my arms crossed, not moving. She woke me up at that time to change my sleeping position, just because I looked like a dead person inside a casket.
Was that how she felt too when she went home to see Nanay?
Maybe that's just how it is, when you love someone so deeply that you don't want to see them die and want yourself to go first so that you don't experience the pain and grief. But how about the pain that they'll have to suffer?
Maybe because she's mom.
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I miss you every day, Ma, not only on Thursdays.
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Are you living with your parents?
[Yes po, i'm with my mom. She's in my heart forever.]