One eye of tears, Another eye of fiery determination.
mom: i havnt seen you in a while, and when i do your asleep or snapping back at me. So answer me with out an attitude what did you do today?
Me in my mind: I sleep to drown out your hypocritical voice, i avoid you to avoid that bitching voice of yours. I snap back at you cause its the only way you ever hear what im saying but that doesn't mean your comprehending me. I snap cause you push to that point. oh and today was just wonderful, i couldnt sleep last night cause the horrifying nightmares that lurk in my room each and every night. So i finally get to sleep at 8 am. and you come home and bitch at me for sleeping all day "are you gonna get off your ass and join the living" no i wont esp if they resemble you. I wake up, and once again the house is a mess cause no one does anything but me. I clean up everyones mess, try to sitdown and do some homework but cant focus cause my minds all over the place cause your screaming at me to do this to do that, and how i need to be "better employed" or how gary or daisy did something. Internet goes out casue once gain you forgot to pay it. I curse out att cause im just so fustrated with my life and has nothing to with them, poor ryan. I go to the gym to work off this bottled anger, rush home take gary to rehab. Go to randys take care of his drunken messes, go to walmart to pick up my meds and i see my dad, he looked straight at me and walked out the door and not even glance over his shoulder. Chandler called and reminded me how screwed up i am and how badly i push people away. My friends arent in the freaking state so i cant forget about the other problems in the world but is prolly a good thing casue i need to deal with it rather than put them off. Went to zaxbys with gary. Which was complete bullshit, it scares me how easy it has gotten for me to flip the switch and be ok when im not. How easily these lies come from my mouth. esp around him. But it always ben that easy for me, i can thank the "Rathbone fuckedupfamily" for that. Started me off early, age of nine. Blocked every day before and everyday after from my mind. broke all connections and the ones i couldnt made them invisible for others to see so they couldnt see me hurt.
Me to mom: "sorry, im just tired and snappy. It was good went to the gym and job hunted. You? Daisy feeling better??"
I almost broke today, but didnt. Sadly one wall post got me through it all. I just lashed out, but seriously dont complain about your life it could be worse. Ive seen it happen, ive watched it from the sidelines. I just dont rant like this offten and today it needed to happen. Flipside: I love my mother, shes doing the best she can. Thats why i put up with her bullshit. My friends are the best. The little time ive been spending with parker and wyatt has filled my heart with joy to last me through times like this, so thanks guys. Kara annie and karen, keep up your words. They keep me together. Garys hugs hold everything together, cause their not only from him I know, their from kara, annie, z, phoenix, karen, wyatt, parker, devin and anyone else he feels that needs to give me a hug at that moment. **The reason the skys so unbreakable isnt because she can handle anything, isnt cause she can endure any magnitude of any storm. Shes unbreakable cause she as a codependence problem, and the best friends/family one could ask for. They ALL hold her together, thats why the sky touches every part of this world.
