allow me the grace of projection here but ilya & alexei really dig a fucking finger into my big brother bruise. he's an asshole. he's your idol. he moved out 4 years ago and you're alone at the top of the stairs scanning the plastered-over hole in the wall he left when your eyes didn't meet the muddy grain. he dug your worst habits out of you. he did his math homework at the kitchen table next to yours and showed you the controls on his xbox. he made you feel stupid for agreeing with your mother. there's polaroid photos of you in a swaddle in his arms in your parents' room. he comes back at 3 am sniffing in the dark shuffling past your door past the room that used to be his past your step-mother's wedding photo past the plaster to the bathroom that you haven't shared in 6 years and then out again. he's the example you shouldn't live up to. you'd do anything for his respect. he brags about you to his friends. he won't stop fucking arguing with everything you say. he's the only person you can talk to at christmas. you wonder if your dad is going to call you out of school to tell you he od'd. he's never apologized to you. you want him to eat healthier. there's two people left in the world who remember your mother and you're one. he bullies you like you're a boy and laughs at you like you're a girl. she said he used to change your diapers because he did a better job than her. he's a father now. your parents' remains are a bracket of ribs curled beneath your flesh, he's the empty shape between each rung you hate that he made you cut out