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Dear John

Dear John,

It’s been 3 years since that day. 3 years since I walked on the broken pavements that ran along the Milered bridge, alone. 3 years since I begged and cried for you not to leave. 3 years since I got hit by a car while walking on the broken pavements of our favorite place, 3 years since I let my hair cover my bloodshot eyes. It’s been 3 years since the day you left. If you are wondering, yes, I counted the painful numbers. I counted all the old days that passed by. I counted all the days, weeks, months that passed by since the day you left. It was difficult, yes. But everyone knew there was nothing I could do to stop you. You can’t stop someone from leaving, just like how you can’t stop their hearts from beating once they find someone else who’s so much better than you. How are you? Are you happy? I’m sure you are and I hope you are doing well these days. Has she ever hurt you? If she did, I’m sure she didn’t mean to. Everyone makes sacrifices for the ones they love. I’m doing better today than I did 3 years ago, 2 years ago, a year ago. I’m better, and I’m stronger. I guess I am, I know I am. The painful scars you gave my heart were the ones that made me stronger, and now, I am much better than ever.

Funny how one person comes along and breaks your silence bubble, funny how after they break your silence bubble and paint the colors of love in your world, ironic how they will leave sooner than you expect them to leave. I guess that’s just how life is, right? Life is peaceful the way you live it then someone unexpectedly comes into your life and turn your whole world upside down. And then the next thing you know, you’re drinking 5 bottles of wine, or more, in the middle of 5am, crying, brokenhearted because the same person who painted the colors of love in your sky, is the same person who will steal your heart and take it along with them when they leave.

But one day, I will be stronger and better than I am today, I will no longer stay up until 12am, thinking about the day you left me for her. One day, I will no longer remember your presence when I walk on the broken pavements of our favorite place. One day, I will no longer be familiar of your soft lips and strong arms that once embraced me, I will no longer be familiar of your voice that used to sooth me to sleep. One day, I will no longer know of your existence. And that day starts today. 3 years since you broke me, and I promise, this day will be the last day I will cry over you.

Good bye, John.

-Kelly

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You deserve love and security, a combination that warms the core of your heart. You deserve knowledge that the person you are with wants to be there and, more importantly, won’t run away when times get tough. This is someone that will stay by your side, fight your fights right there with you because they know you would do the same for them. You deserve someone who laughs at your jokes and smiles at the mere sight of you smiling. This smile will be genuine, not fake, and you will feel butterflies when you see it and your smile will grow until your cheeks can no longer take it. You deserve someone who brings you coffee in the morning because they know the addiction is real. You deserve breakfast in bed, flowers “just because,” and hugs that feel like you are at home. You deserve hands that only reach for you. They may be dry, cracked, calloused, perfectly manicured, or a complete mess, but they know you, your hands, and your body. They don’t reach away to know more. You deserve someone who doesn’t make you cry, at least on purpose, because you are human and you feel deeply and love passionately, and when one teardrop falls there may be a thousand more, but you are not alone. Even though they hurt you, they hold you until the shaking stops, wiping away your tears and kissing your damp cheeks although you whisper for them to stop. They will say sorry and you will feign being mad until you both give in to happiness again because you know anger is a state the two of you cannot remain in. You deserve someone who takes responsibility for their mistakes and who apologizes for the times they unintentionally hurt you because you would do the same for them. You deserve someone who can forgive as you do, even if neither of you can completely forget. You deserve someone whose touch feels like fireworks across your skin, whose eyes always look for yours when they enter a room, and whose heart never yearns for the attention of another. You deserve trust that may waver but never entirely falter. It will look nothing like control. It will look like freedom but with your best friend by your side holding your hand. There will be moments of jealousy, but these will be outweighed by smiles, laughter, trust, and love. You deserve back rubs for no reason, dinner you don’t have to make alone, a hand to hold, a heart to feel, and a person who cannot imagine life without you in it. You deserve security just as much as you deserve spontaneity. You will be comfortable but not so settled down that stubborn roots no longer give you the nutrients you need to grow. This person you are with will try the things you enjoy and you will try the things they do as well. You will find new things to do and new places to go because you both love to share these sorts of moments together. You deserve someone who pushes you to be better, to seek out the best opportunities for you even if the next step is terrifying for you both. You deserve chocolate when you are cranky, a partner to indulge in your guilty television pleasures, and someone who tries to kiss you even though they just watched you puke up breakfast, lunch, and dinner. This is the person who laughs when you correct their grammar instead of getting mad, the one who knows they had better text you back, and the person who understands that you will not always have your “A game” out on display. You deserve someone who wants to be better for you, someone who strives to be better for you, but, most importantly, you deserve someone who wants to be better for themselves. This is the type of person who will grow alongside of you and never dream of holding you back. You deserve someone who is looking at the big picture in life, and that picture has you in it. You deserve someone who continues looking forward, someone who doesn’t stop constantly to look at the past. They may not like everything about who you were before, but they love who you have become. They know not to let your past trip them up for too long. You both came into the relationship with baggage that slowly unpacked itself and, even though it would be easy enough to pack up your things and go back to your respective homes, you both stay. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them, a life that is so beautiful that you cannot tell if you are awake or still in bed dreaming, and someone who doesn’t so much as put one foot out the door because they know you are not the person to walk away from. This will be the person who sticks around through thick and thin because they want to, not because they have to. You deserve all of this and so much more, and you deserve it for a lifetime.

💌 Kyle Freelander’s // Love and Happiness