Death November 19, 2015
Walking on the highway made me really question if i wanted to be here or not. i could jump in front of one of the passing cars or just jump off teh bridge and everything would be over with. i would’ve seen the way everything happened right before my eyes and if i died, well no one would know til plenty of days or hours later. IF you found out well you’d kill me, and then you’d feel bad and then you’d blame yourself and then get mad at me then convince yourself it was on me, and my fault and my decision and then you’d live with that for the rest of your life and you wouldn’t be able to tell anyone why or how or what you feel about it. you’d cry and then get tired of crying and get mad then i’d get mad at you but i wouldn’t know if i was a ghost or not to say anything. Idk if i properly got mad at you. i got mad at myself plenty but never at you. i got mad at everyone else but you. did i ever feel like i should? maybe. but should i have? sure. but i didn’t. i love you more than i could ever hate you. and love always murders my hate. but honestly. i wasnt enough. i couldn’t ever be. not for anyone, not for this family, damn, not even mysef really if i’m gone. but i’m gone. i’m pretty much dead. i’m invisible to you and i guess i got the super powers i gained but i can’t shut them off, you never want to see me so i guess i gave you extra x-ray vision. you never want to talk to me and i’ll never know if you want to really because how would know you have another blog or something that you keep to yourself so there’s no way for me to be able to know your probelms and i’m just nhonestlt nothing to you because whatever i say will be heard by you but it won’t matter. that;s it all the i love oyu’s and i’m sorry’s i say to you coulodn’t help me. when only one of each to me matters the most to me. I’m not cared for. people just don’t want me to die. They don’t want the shame of me going and they don’t want to feel hurt. No one wants to feel hurt. But i took it all. i took all the pain i could from everyone else i took all the yelling the fights the punches, and i can’t do anything else. i just took it because it’s not wrong, they’re not wrong, they’re all just hurt and they don’t have a way to take it out anymore. i’m hurt too. but they don’t want to or can’t or don’t know how to compensate or help me. I wasn’t ever listen to anyway. i’m just kinda there. I’m wasting space, time, and money, and breath, and i’m not really cared for. just there. Everyone wants me there.But for what? they want my company? what do i have to offer them now? didn’t you hear? i’m nothing. Welcome to my world.
I dont ask for much. but do i ask for anything at all really? i didn’t think i did, but i guess even that. even then, i asked for too much. acknowledgement, love, words, letters, time. I got these but what happened? why did people throw me away? idk. i’m gonna go back home, to drown in my pool. i’m gonna die. and it’ll be all over the news. people will be sad, they’ll all grieve and you will too. and others will be happy. and everyone will ask why. but they won’t know and everyone will think it’s their fault. and then some will think and wonder “what made him do it?” and then they’ll just keep wondering and they’ll never know why. It’s not like i can tell them. i’ll be dead. And what does that mean to them? i’m more forgotten and then cancelled on. i’m more hated deep down than loved. i’m more ignored and neglected and despaired over no matter what i do or give or help to do or anything really. so people always will always wonder. why? and i always asked myself the same question but never got the answer either, i had to analyze and figure it out. well i guess me dying would be one giant Fuck you because they’ll never know either for me never knowing. The world doesn’t need me. I can keep saying that over and over and over and over and over and over again, with all this unclouded judgement, i’m not anything speicla or worthy or needed or wanted or loved. You might think, oh he’s gone idc. that’s fine. don’t you know? if you don’t care now, who’s to say you’d care later? i tried everything i’ve done everything and where had that got me? no where but 6ft underground. Is that the shame i put on y family? i didn’t care what people thought about me, and well now that i’m dead they’ll never know how i feel. I didn’t die before because it was expensive, that’s just insane. i thoight about other people trying to do this selfish act. and i kept asking is it out to be selfish, well now is that time. i’m selfish enoigh to die and never appear on Earth because for what reason will i ever be needed other than saving myself. i’m tired of saving myself. i save myself all the time. I wanted to save others but nobody wants mu help or to be saved or anything to do with me at all so i’m a joke. honestly. you can say it. i’m a joke who tried too hard and wasn’t good enough. I kept trying making myself believe it but i never got any validation or reassurance or anything so it left my mind to wander and wander and wander. and do i hate myself? no. I really don’t. but i’m not good either. and that sets this line. When people like me or love me, i feel like i’m worth something. but everytime that always died. no i’m not needed. i’m dead. i’m gone. and it’s not anyone’s fault anymore. Even after death i can’t blame anyone really. lmao i mean the world kept trying to hate everyone and everyone got mad but they coudn’t let out anyon’es feelings and they all wanted to hate and they all wanted to keep their selves apart and no one wanted anyone else and everyone wanted to be alone and people were too stuck feeling insecure and people were too stuck thinking violence and sex and everything wold solve everything and then people think happiness is somethign when it’s not. and then people think they don’t need anyone when they do. and then people never want to open up and soon others start building these walls where no one can get throygh and then you bury yourself deeper and deeper hopiong no one finds you and then you don’t see light and then you let people bury you, and then you get buried and you cna’t breathe. and then no one comes for you. no one comes for you. no one is gonna come for me. i’m able tro die right here. right now. and no one can stop me. and if people wonder why. i wanna tell them it’s because of hate, it’s because there wasnt’ enough acknowledgement it’s because of secrets, it’s because of not telling people what they want, it’s because of not knowing, it’s because of fear and no reassurance and validation, it’s because of rejection, it’s because of not being good enough, it’s because even after i’ve tried my hardest it didn’t matter to anyone else, it’s because negligence, it’s because no one knew enough and no one wanted to know anymore, it’s because people didn’t accept me, it’s because i was too much or too little and never anything inbetween, it’s because i was temporary, it’s because i was just a shit tale that no one wants to remember, it’s because i was just a fantasty that no one wanted to ever let exist, i didn’t have enough talent, i either no one listened to me or as everyone else says i didn’t listenenough but you can’t tell me that now, because i listened to every word every emotion ande every action and stare and thought given to me, and i took that all in, it’s because i wasn’t tall enough or short enough, i wasn’t old enough i wasn’t smart enough, i wasn’t wise enough, it’s because i did too much or did too little, it’s because people think mutilation is right, it’s because people think rape is ok, i’ts because people think they’re right but they’re not. it’s because people don’t know when or how to be wrong, it’s because people don’t want to give or accept enough. it’s because i wasn’t the right person. it’s because i was the right person. it’s because i was too good and too evil. it’s because i was depressed and everyone just told me to get over it instead of trying to help me when i needed it the most. it’s befcause i was shaken and no one wanted to help me but they told me to keep goig when i was broken. they told me to jump off the birdge or to take care of myself because they didn’t want to when all i’ve done was take care of everyoneelse and myself. it’s because people didn’t care enough about what they said or did or about anyone else but themselves, it’s because wifi sucks, it’s becaue you have to pay for things that you shouldn’t. it’s because technology became expensive and people abused it. it’s because my bed isn’t soft enough, its because my blankets couldn’t hug me, it’s because i felt alone and hurt and people just wanted to stare at me and count the econds til i was gone, it’s because the words arent enogh. it’s because expression was dulled and cancelled and put to a halt when it needed to be expressed and shown. it’s because no one wanted to express enough. it’s because i was still stupid and dumb and didn’t know anything when no one wanted to teach me or show me even after i tried to learn, it’s bedcause i wasn’t the right relgion or i never had anyone elses morals. its because everyone thinks their way of living is right. it’s because everyone wanted to hurt others. it’s because i didn’t eat enough. it’s because i wasn’t allowed to yell or cry or be amad enough, it’s because when i tried to be happy i was still yelled throwna dn beaten. it’s because people were mad at me when i was already mad atmyself. it’s because people hurt me when they were already hurt, it’s because no one wanted my hug or love or affection or attantione, it’s because i am broken, it’s because i was fixed, it’s ebcause they didn’t think about me and how i felt and what i thought, it’s becasue i didn’t matter, it’s because even at my lowest i tried to be strong when i didn’t have time to cry or be sad, it’s because didn’t take my words for them to heart, it’s becasue people thought i didnt care for them, when that’s all i ever did, it’s because people wanted to run if i came to try to help, it’s because no one but myself were to help me up, it’s because i wanted to die and everyone thought the rigt things was to get amd at me. it’s beacuse i was sad and people yelled at me, its because people get mad and can’t express what they’re really mad about. t’s because my voice wasnt loud enough, it’s because school stressed everyone, it’s because people we called family didn’t treat us like we should, it’s because ideas were broken by evil. it’s because fear, it’s because anxeity, it’s because being made fun of, it’s because thought i wanted to hurt them, it’s because people touhht i was slefish, its because people didn’t ask about me, it’s because people denied me, it’s because even after people hurt me they didn’t apologize and they kept doing it anyway not listening to waht i had to say or feel, it’s because no one followed their heart. it’s because people listened to bad people. it’s because i was always told i was wrong and no one ever wanted to listen to me and what i had to say or my roblems or help jme. it’s because everyone thought i was alright when i wasn’t. it’s because death is so easy and living is so hard. it’s because people don’t want to share enough of anything to anyone. it’s because my eye sight gone bad, it’s because people want to know but aren’t allowed to. it’s because there are too many rules to resitrcit and people can’t do what they liike. it’s because people judge too much. it’s because people judge at all. it’s because the things i built someone wanted to destroy. it’s because everyone thinks it’s ok to delete. it’s because everyone thinkgs it’s not gonna be ok. it’s because i might as well be dead if i’m not good for anything else but for myself, but even to myself now, i really am nothing else.
it’s because time wasn’t used like it should be. it’s because my love wasn’t accepted. it’s because what i did and what my intentions were probablyt sucked and meant nothing. it’s because embarassment. it’s because of bad grammar and spelling and not enough ajdectives and words to describe the feelings enough. it’s because poetry isn’t enojyed. its because people think what i write measn nothing. its because my feelings meant nothing. it’s because i am nothing. it’s because there wasn’t enough love in the world and most of the love given was to somehitng or someone it shouldn’t be given. it’s because i there werent enough apologies and sorries and pardons and no one wanted to accept them either. it’s because even after one people kept doing it again. it’s because no one did anything about it. it’s because no one was sorry or apologized for the things they know tey did or had done. it’s ebcause of pride and everyone thinking they were too much or too little. it’s because Even after i had prayed they didn’t want to answer my prayers which made me think there wasn’t anyone else out there anymore for me. it’s because even if i had lived would me living and trying even help?
it’s because technology was too expensive and didn’t help anyone who was willing to do wrong things with it. it’s because no one wanted to work or people worked too much. it’s because people keep fighting and fighting and tryingt o ignore problems that need to be solved. it’s because i was a problem that couldn’t be solved. it’s because i am just a boy. it’s because i am male, it’s because i am shit. it’s because i am not shit. it’s because everything killed me.
it’s because wars. it’s because hate. it’s because violence. it’s because no one trusted anbyone. its because i wasn’t given enough love to and i couldn’t give myself any for i lost it all when i figured all the hate people gave me.
It’s because i wasn’t enough.
and once i die, it’ll be too late for you to be able to tell me i was. that i was loved. that you still love me.
10:18pm
and this is Paolo Presto, signing off,
i don’t want to be awake.
P.S.
but after all of that still, i forgive you all.