This was my speech. I said this in front of the class today. As in to get credits. 8,)
Friday night – you’re thinking of having a party. It’s going to be the best, biggest party ever. You set out to invite everyone you know and everyone you don’t know, but you forget one person: Apple. Is it because Apple is red? Is it because Apple is green? Is it because Apple is small, does that mean that Apple doesn’t matter? Well apples are sick of your shenanigans, sick of being forgotten and left out and abused. Did you know that one hundred thirty nine trillion, four hundred eighty seven billion, six hundred fifty million, thirty six thousand apples are slaughtered for the fur industry every day? No, you didn’t because the people making the money off it don’t want you to. Apples go through so much pain, face so many harsh truths, and step on more Lego pieces barefoot than you will in your entire life. In the end, it seems like the entire world is stacked against apple-kind. The least we can do is educate ourselves and try to make a difference.
Apples used to be the ruling race on Earth. But they weren’t dictators. They lived in harmony, at peace with their fellow beings. Until we came on the scene, apples were at the happiest they’d ever been. Apples didn’t have to be cut and bruised and crushed beneath the foot of industrialism and sadism. This was their world, and we stole it. We defiled it. Even with this, apples remain largely unaccounted for in society – if you say apples and ties, people will imagine ties with apples printed on them. Tragic. Absolutely tragic. Since when did a tie deserve apples more than an apple deserves a tie? Today we should all go home, put a tie on each apple in our house and then leave them be with a knowing nod.
You’re most likely thinking ‘how many ways can there be to make an apple sad?’
- NO – You don’t have to hide your thoughts from me, it’s ok, we’re all thinking it.
- YES – Good, good what about you? Yes, excellent.
There are so many ways. Infinite ways. They happen all around us and yet we pass them off every day. The eating is the least of the apples’ problems – this is natural, the world works when things eat one another. You know the huge masses of apples, roughly piled up in a heap at the supermarket? Ever wondered how they get all those bruises? All down to the mistreatment from grossly inhumane companies like Granny Smith. That’s not even discussing the hundreds of thousands of families, ripped apart when countless numbers of apples are stolen away to be displayed in some two-bit supermarket. May our hearts be with the ones at the bottom. How would you feel, cramped into this mass of strangers, in pain, with no future other than being eaten? Apples can’t even plan a revolt and free themselves from their torment because they’re apples.
One thing that seems to pass under the collective nose of the world is the fact that apples contribute a lot to society as a whole. Apples have their own groups in society; their talents and ideas are seen all the time in our culture, yet it’s all been ‘claimed’ by thieves bit by bit. One of their most renowned gifts is their music, categorized under the genre ‘applecore’. Another is their technology. Apples preceded many of our most acclaimed endeavors by decades, such as computers. Do you know who Steve Jobs is? You most probably do, due to his recent death. Jobs, finding the apples’ weak spot - their inability to claim rights, report an act copyright breach, or do anything at all – decided he’d exploit their little-known presence in society. He took their lives’ work and branded it under the name ‘Apple Inc.’, mocking the true engineers’ vain efforts. It is unknown whether or not the apples had anything to do with his tragic end.
Keep these helpful instructions in your memory for the next time you find yourself or someone else about to inflict cruelty upon an apple – Step one: Stop it happening. Step two: Remove the offender from the room or vicinity. Step three: Find the offender something else to do. I strongly suggest that they refine their skills of polishing tables or any flat surfaces with their face. This is a healthy and effective routine, which will both curb antisocial behavior, and help them find a new and useful skill set. If you do your best to lead a life free of apple-terrorism, you will become a better person and love yourself for it! Seriously, be the bigger man and resist succumbing to the savagery. Even if you’re a woman, be the bigger man. Become huge men together. Hold a huge man party and make all your other friends jealous.
We’ve all come far today. We’ve learned about so many things - about apples, about their lives, we’ve even learned about ourselves. Mostly we’ve learned about the world as it stands and why we should extend a hand to the apples. However, there is one thing left to do – spread the word. We can’t give apples a better chance unless more people know. Tell your friends. Tell your families. Tell your therapist. Tell everyone you see, dedicate your life to their plight. We owe it to the apples, and you owe it to yourself. I challenge you. I challenge you to get out there, to tell the world, to make it a better place for apple-kind. Don’t be a crab apple. Paint the Earth red and green once more. The apples will rise again.
